Dear Doctor, You just gave me the worst news ever. Let me tell you what I wish you knew about my miscarriage. My miscarriage may be a medical event but please do not treat it as merely a medical event. My miscarriage is much more than that to me. My miscarriage is shocking, even if…
Category: miscarriage
When the Bereavement Doula Needs a Bereavement Doula
What is it like when a bereavement doula needs a bereavement doula? The night before my scheduled ultrasound, I began to panic. Over the last few days, I had become overly concerned with going to this appointment alone. All of my other appointments, up until then, I had the support of my husband and children with…
Miscarriage Series – 2 weeks
It’s been two weeks since we found out you were gone. Two weeks since that fateful day in the ultrasound room. I almost can’t believe how fast the time has gone by. It even seems as if some family and friends think I should be done grieving at this point. So few still check on…
Dear Kaiser Permanente – Your Communication Sucks
Dear Kaiser, I can’t believe I am writing about this again. After all, I thought the support and communication we received during our miscarriage was much better than our experience in 2010 but today, I learned something that is so upsetting and affects more people than just me. So let’s start from the beginning. When…
Miscarriage Series – Birth Day
I have very mixed feelings today. On one hand, I am happy that the baby will be born today. I will be able to start moving forward. It feels like the last four days we have been in suspension, just waiting for this child to come. I do have second thoughts, wondering why this baby…
Miscarriage Series – Day 4
It’s Mother’s Day. I spent the night dreaming about my baby and how this baby will be born. I kept imagining this baby in a saline jar all chopped up into pieces surrounded by thick, bright red blood. I imagined taking this baby to the funeral home and feeling judged about the baby being in…
Miscarriage Series – Day 3
I wake very early on this Saturday morning. My husband is working today and his retreat from the bed wakes me. I feel I cannot sleep there without him. I toss and turn a few times to no avail. I see flashes of light coming through our bedroom windows followed by the sweet rumbling of…
Miscarriage Series – Day 2
I made breakfast, noting that I didn’t feel like continuing with my morning ritual of two glasses of water. Why would I drink two glasses straight away this morning? There is no one inside me who will benefit from this sustenance. I notice that my upper back hurts. “It’s probably my kidneys,” I think to…
Miscarriage Series – Day 1
My midwife turned to me and said, “I’m sorry Elizabeth, I no longer see a heartbeat.” We both knew what that meant. She was gentle and empathetic. It looked like this pained her too. That was comforting. I tried to comprehend what was taking place. There were no tears, not yet. Just questions and acceptance…
Miscarriage Series – Another Goodbye
As I lie on the couch, completely exhausted and numb from the days events, I feel stinging on the side of my face. The stinging runs down my face and onto my cheek. It hurts. It feels like my face is being burned deep into my skin. I reach across my face and wipe the tears…