Elizabeth Petrucelli

Author, Blogger, Educator

Category: Path in Life

If I ever go looking…

March 4, 2015 /

I have been trying to convince myself all day that I didn’t want you. I talked to myself about all the reasons we shouldn’t have you.

  • We’re too old.
  • We’ll be REALLY old when you graduate from high school.
  • We will need a bigger house.
  • We are finally getting sleep.
  • Timmy is almost two.
  • We will be delaying free time again for two more years.

And then I spent the next few hours telling myself how bad morning sickness would be and that I am better off emotionally without you. I thought about all the anxiety I might experience and how great it would be to not stress about every visit to the doctor to make sure you were okay.

I even spent some time feeling relieved that I wouldn’t have to defend your creation to my mother or others who think having three kids is stupid. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to try rationalize you and I was relieved that if there was something wrong with you that I wouldn’t have to suffer with the “I told you so’s,” and the “You pushed your luck,” statements.

I talked to God. I told him I was trying to trust in Him. I told him that I needed you but that He knows best. I told him I was hurting and asked him to take the pain away.

All that talking to myself, didn’t work. It doesn’t matter all the rationalization I attempted to do, I am sad you won’t be coming. At least not now.

I am angry that you didn’t come this month. It will be nearly two months before I have the chance again. I was looking forward to a November birth and being 39 when you would be born but instead, I will be at least 40…IF we try again. And that’s really a big IF because I am not sure we will.

We really shouldn’t try. We really are too old. But I want you. I dreamt about you. I even purchased stuff for you. I was preparing in all ways to have you. I didn’t buy a bunch of stuff, but I bought a few things that I knew would be helpful and I stopped selling things…just in case.

It hurts when I see pregnant women, when I see pregnancy announcements and new babies, and it hurts when I see Timmy nurturing his plastic baby doll. I think Timmy’s nurturing that baby hurts the worst, because I imagine that baby as you.

I imagine you a girl. Hoping and praying for daddy’s sake that you would be a girl because he so desperately wants a girl. I imagine you and Timmy growing up close in age. Something we wished so much for, for Joey but weren’t able to provide.

I was excited to put your crib in our room. I was excited to have Timmy hold you and kiss you. I was excited to breastfeed you, nurture you, and do things better this time around. But it’s not going to happen. Because I am so angry.

I am so angry, that I want to never try again.

Petrucelli Family

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage

The Sad Reality of Life

December 16, 2013 /

Timmy and I sat in the hallways of church during Mass last Sunday. As we sat there, Timmy intently watched the people as they walked by us. As each person approached, Timmy garnished a smile and began jumping on his bum, waving his hands and “talking” to them. Some people smiled…some did not.

What was interesting and increasingly sad was Timmy’s reaction when they didn’t smile, look at him, or respond in any way. The more it happened, the more you could see the disappointment sink into his face. As the exchanges took place…or the lack their of, Timmy would stop getting so excited as people approached. Eventually, Timmy stopped responding and returned to paying attention to me instead of trying to engage everyone that walked by.

I think what really hurt the most was knowing that his little mind was working and learning cause and effect. Of all the interactions he had had up until then, he was always greeted with a smile, coos, and personal attention. Now he was being exposed to the reality of life…that sometimes people don’t interact or smile and mostly, that he is not the center of attention. While he will continue for many years believing he is the center of attention, it was hard for me to watch him try to invoke a reaction and not receive one. After all, how could you NOT smile at this beautiful boy’s face?

4 month old boy

It makes me wonder…how does this NON-reaction affect society as a whole?

 

Crazy Life!

September 16, 2012 /

I have been quite busy over the last few weeks. I am sure you have been wondering what I have been up to. Well, besides going back to work and being SUPER busy there, I have been going to school part-time (College Algebra), preparing for my amazing son’s 9th birthday, preparing for the “Walk to Remember,” camping with the family, and baking!!

On the baking front, I HAVE to share one of the recipe’s I tried. These were the most AMAZING cupcakes I have ever had and I was so glad that I attempted this recipe despite all the work involved. You can find those cupcakes here: I made Vanilla Bean Buttermilk Cupcakes with Nutella Buttercream Frosting from Krissy’s Creations. TOTALLY worth it but extremely fattenting so be careful. You will just want to eat the mix!

Joey’s birthday was fabulous! I can’t believe this is the last of the single digit years for my son. He is such a joy and is growing into a great little man. We had a family party for him on Friday and a friend party for him on Saturday. The friend party was a Nerf Gun party and we set up an obstacle course with shooting stations and a prize for the best shooter. For the family party, we took Joey out for Sashimi (the rest of us had Hibachi) and then had dessert at our house. It was really nice and Joey made out with the cash!!

I got a surprise phone call from Greenwood Village Police Department. They want me to come in and interview for a police officer position that I tested for at the beginning of the year. What an opportunity! This is the department I dreamed of working at and was also the department that crushed me out of the academy. Of course, if I had gotten the position there that December, I wouldn’t have this blog or book and Ruby Josephing wouldn’t have existed. That’s strange to think about.

There are many reasons why I would JUMP at the chance to work for this department but as you have read, I have moved on from police work. There are so many reasons why. I didn’t turn down the interview but I think I missed the opportunity. Work has been CRAZY busy this week and even though I could have called back by 7pm each night this week, I worked late each night this week. I didn’t make it home until after 7:30 on Thursday! Ugh! I very much enjoyed the investigations I have been involved in at work. There are a few and they are quite complex!

Now I am focusing on my preparations for the Walk. I am trying to decide if I should purchase a booth for the event. This would be a tremendous opportunity to sell my book but I want to participate in the walk as well. I may try to find some friends or family that might be willing to man my booth while I walk. If anyone out there is interested, it’s September 29th from 8-12. If you can help, please let me know!

I will close with some thoughts from church today. Each Sunday I see beautiful families with their young children. Some sit in the pews, others are up moving around because their little ones are restless. I too would have a restless one. She would be a toddling around and reading board books in mass. She would probably babble and talk through the entire mass. If she would have been anything like Joey, she would probably talk in 3-4 word sentences despite being almost two. I miss her and wish she was here. While I feel so blessed by the gift of my amazing son, I feel like I am missing a child. I feel an emptiness…

Something big!

September 4, 2012 /

While on convalescent leave, I took some time to ponder the last few years of my life and how different my dreams have become compared to what I thought they would be. Have you ever thought to yourself…how did I get here? Have you ever wondered about the things you stated to God in order to “test” him or force something to happen? Is that even possible?

Well, years ago when I was struggling on my journey to becoming a police officer, I made a threat. I guess it was a threat to God. I don’t like looking at it that way, but I suppose that’s what you could call it. I was talking with Jason about all the mountains I had been climbing during that time. There were so many obstacles that I felt like were being put in my way so that I wouldn’t become a police officer.

Even though I could see all the obstacles and started to feel like it wasn’t in my path, I couldn’t handle not being a police officer. It was all I could see. It was the ONLY thing I knew and wanted to become. I don’t know why, I just felt this drive inside. I am sure it was to fill some sort of void but I did everything I could to become a police officer and I knew I would get there.

As I was having the conversation with Jason and feeling down about continuing my pursuit, I told him, “It’s going to take something big to stop me!” I had asked God for signs and told him to help me determine the path I was supposed to be on and for a good year, I felt like things were moving in the right direction and I was following the path God made for me.

Then all sorts of obstacles were beginning to pile up. Injuries, money woes, job issues, other job opportunities, etc. I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t make it as a police officer so that kept driving me further to become one. Each obstacle brought sadness and questioning but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I never do.

When I made that comment to Jason, I basically said, “He is going to have to throw me for a huge loop in order to stop me from pursuing this dream.” There, that’s the threat. God…show me in the strongest way possible that becoming a police officer is in my path or get me off this path and reveal my new path!

It sounds silly now, but basically, I needed a slap in the face from God. Something that would show me one way or another that I am supposed to be a police officer. Then…years later, the loop happened. Her name was Ruby Josephine.

Ruby changed my life in so many ways. While the slap was hard, fast and painful, the revelation of my new path has been quite subtle. Probably because it is so confusing and there is so much to muddle through. I am still muddling. I would like to write full-time and continue to publish books but I am scared to take that leap. Plus, I like my job but it doesn’t allow me the opportunity to write. I am just too tired after work and all the responsibilities of being a wife and mother are there each and every night. Maybe now that the camping season is coming to a close, I can focus more on writing but I am also going to school.

Either way, I came to the realization a few days ago, that I made a threat with God and He revealed that my path was NOT being a police officer full-time. I did it part-time, had a great time, and really enjoyed living the dual life for two years but it’s time to move on.

My resignation is now official and I am so happy to be focusing on new aspects of my life. Even though I resigned in May, it has taken this long for everything to fall into place. Has anyone, who is out there reading this, been able to see such a revelation…in a similar way?

Searching

August 8, 2012 /

I was talking with a good friend recently about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have several passions; helping people (mostly women), writing, and spending time with my family. For 12 years, I was so focused on police work. I couldn’t wait to achieve that dream and work as a police officer. It was the epitome of helping people. I could help people in many different ways.

I used to blog on MySpace years ago about how being a doula and a police officer were similar. I loved being a doula. I was helping women through one of the most amazing moments in their lives. I loved it but I got burnt out. I was taking on too many clients and I really should have focused more on a smaller client load. Ah…lesson learned. But I wanted to be a police officer so once my son was old enough, I moved into that field and achieved my dream. Then…Ruby happened.

WOW!

She certainly threw me into a perpetual spin of…now what? I slowly lost my desire to help people as a police officer. After nearly two years on the street, I hung up my badge and here I am…circling…what do I do now.

Knowing I won’t move forward with the company I am at now without my completed degree, I have returned to school and changed my major to something I will now enjoy. Psychology. I am more than halfway done and this will hopefully open some new doors for me.

So…I continue to circle. What do I do now? It’s difficult for me to just sit and wait for that next thing to appear. I have been told it might not appear dramatically and it could take some time before I understand and I might not ever know. Then there is the off chance that I KNOW what I should be doing and I am rejecting it for one reason or another. For instance, I know what my passions are, but they don’t make money right now and as much as I don’t really need to work…we are accustomed to a certain lifestyle right now I am not willing to give up.

So, what’s the verdict. I am still searching. Along the way, I hope to become closer to God through prayer and devotion and someday, I will be led back on the path to what I am meant to do. At least I know one thing…I am here to serve others. 🙂

 

Ovulation

August 2, 2012 /

Ovulation was successful. I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, I would really love to have another child but starting over feels so overwhelming. The lack of sleep, long nights, and finding a baby sitter to get away but I know that’s all relative and I have so much family here that can AND would help out.

Still are we really okay with this? What if the baby has some sort of problem? I am MUCH older now so the chances of having a baby with a genetic problem is higher.

I am overanalyzing. We don’t even know if we conceived. We will know for sure in two weeks. Oh how I hope my period doesn’t come…

Don’t Be Sad For Me Poem

July 15, 2012 /

This was a poem I submitted for publication in an online magazine. It was not chosen for publication so I am sharing it here. This was something I wrote following a friend stating she was sad for me because I was not working full-time as a police officer.

Don’t be sad for me, because I am going to be okay,
I lost my baby two years ago but my life has changed in a beautiful way.
I had dreams and aspirations to be a police officer for many, many years,
But now I find myself wanting to stay home with my family which has released so many fears.

I never thought I would find myself here, in this special club,
Of those who’ve lost a precious child, someone they dearly loved.
No one seeks to enter this club but so many often do,
For many different reasons but most of us with no clue.

No clues are found nor did life-saving measures take place,
And those who don’t even know us will see the grief across our face.
No words can truly comfort us from the pain we severely feel,
And all they seem to say to help is that only time will heal.

I think of my daughter every day but the tears no longer flow,
And through my loss I wrote a book to help other women grow.
I hope and pray that women will find the peace they need,
To get through the deep, deep sadness and the never-ending grief.

I can’t take this pain away, though I will surely try,
To help you through the most difficult time you will ever experience in your life.
You will make it through these days but you’ll spend a lot of time in bed,
Especially when the world tells you the life you’re grieving was better off dead.

No one could prepare me for what I would feel or how much I would cry,
Even though I read many books on miscarriage and stillbirth before my baby died.
You see, I was a doula, who helped women through their births,
And I studied long and hard about pregnancy, labor, and birth.

But I only experienced an infant loss one time in my career,
And I never in the world thought that I would be living on this frontier.
I have so many life experiences that have brought me where I am today,
And now I can help women in a very different way.

So as you stop and think about where your life is going,
And you feel the tears will never, ever stop flowing.
There are hidden blessings behind those tears you will someday grow to know,
And some will be revealed to you through this devastating low.

Because you see, for years I dreamed to become a police officer,
But as my days approached to work as one, I found myself with another offer.
To focus on my family and be a better wife and mother,
And though it’s different from the career I wanted, that career now makes me shudder.

So don’t be sad for me because my road has taken a different turn,
I am very happy where I am because I have simply learned.
That our lives change dramatically when we lose a child,
And eventually we’ll find our bearings and learn our life was restyled.

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