Category: stillbirth (Page 1 of 3)

Miscarriage and Stillbirth – A Daily Occurrence

November 1, 2021 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

Yesterday I received a phone call from a grieving mother who had a miscarriage at about 16 weeks of pregnancy. She was calling because she had no money and didn’t want her baby to be sitting in a cold fridge at the coroner’s office. She was desperate to find a final resting place for her child.

She was desiring cremation but as she had been told, cremation at that stage would yield little to no ashes and she wanted something tangible. COVID has made it much more difficult for bereavement services and support in facilities. Many families have endured more suffering than needed and miscarriage and stillbirth rates have skyrocketed since the COVID-19 pandemic. I was blessed that this woman reached out for assistance, because I had resources for her. Free resources.

I talked with this woman about what her desires were and she settled on a resting place at Mt. Olivet. It’s free and she can still have her baby cremated if she wants or the baby could be laid to rest in a communal grave and a grave marker could be purchased. She would be able to visit her child’s grave and that was comforting to her. It’s also possible for her to receive a portion of the wood that the casket was made of. The white cross below was made from the casket that our Augustus Jude was laid to rest in.

I got the little wood box from Hobby Lobby and placed all the ultrasound pictures inside, cards from friends, flowers, and any other items that remind me of Gus. I open the box occasionally but it sits in our living room for all to see. He is a part of our lives and our children know who Gus is. Gus would be six this year. Ruby would be 11.

Catholics experiencing miscarriage and still birth should be aware that their child’s remains should be placed in a cemetery and not made into jewelry, placed in a pot, or have their ashes spread. This is one of the main reasons I am working on my next book A Catholic’s Guide to Miscarriage (expected release 2022). I really want you to believe that your child was worth something and has dignity and therefore should be treated with dignity.

The dignity of the human person is hard to come by these days. Society screams that we should all be loved and treated with love but when it comes down to true human dignity, it’s not understood. We believe that death to someone who won’t live a “normal” life (what is a normal life anyway) or who doesn’t look “right” (what is right anyway) or who won’t amount to anything is an act of mercy or charity.

The old should die because they lived their life and consume resources (yes, this is thought among many…FYI: you will be old one day). The disabled baby should be killed in the womb. When we lack respect for the differences in humans and lack understanding of the true dignity of the human person, how can anyone who has a miscarriage or stillbirth receive the care and validation they deserve for the loss of their child?

It’s what so many who experience this devastating loss seek. They want someone to know their baby lived, even if it was for a moment, one breath, or one kick in their womb. They need others to know they loved someone they didn’t get a chance to know. They need others to feel their loss and have empathy.

But it’s getting harder to receive because of the Culture of Death. The genocide that the world wants under the guise of Climate Change (aka population control/genocide). Not all my posts are political or religious even though that’s a focus these days but you must see that this is happening. I too have been told I have too many children and shouldn’t have more because the world is overpopulated. How does that make the loss of my two children any better? Yes, thank God they died because the world is overpopulated…that helps!

We lose babies every day. Someone needs love and empathy for that loss every day. When we see the dignity in EVERY human person, only then will we be able to provide the empathy the person is seeking.

Today is All Souls Day…visit the cemetery and pray. There are babies there. You’ll find them if you look. Pray for their grieving parents. Pray they meet again one day. Pray for the Holy Souls!

How to Support Miscarriage or Stillbirth – A Doula’s Guide

December 6, 2019 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

Were you just told your client’s baby has died?

I get calls from doulas often telling me they just learned their clients baby died and they are heading in to support them. This makes me so happy because in the past, doulas have abandoned these clients for many reasons. Here is a quick guide on how to support your client.

The good thing is, supporting a family through the labor of miscarriage or stillbirth is not that different then supporting them through a live birth. The physical process is relatively the same so many of the skills you have will cross over. Use that knowledge. Below are some key points to focus on when supporting pregnancy loss.

Be compassionate
- Do not bring your bias into this space. What is hard for you to see or hear does not mean the family doesn’t want to see or hold their baby.
Refer if you can’t do this
Create a sacred space
- Bring out the mama bear in you. Protect them from hurt (having a separate room so they don’t hear the heartrate monitor in the next room or babies crying).
Separate the act of saying goodbye from saying hello
- Many times staff are focused on the sadness of saying goodbye but there is also a hello. They are about to see the baby they have been longing for. Help them say hello. Focus on fingers or toes if other parts are hard to view.
Encourage
- Skin to skin
- Holding and photographs
- Footprints and hand moulds
- Bathing, diapering, and dressing
- Reading a book to baby or dancing with baby (daddy/daughter dance)
It’s okay to cry
- Crying is fine but do not cry hard. The family will stop grieving to support you. Do not take away from their grief.
Be there at discharge
- Bring a teddy bear for them to hold. Empty arms hurt. Sometimes taking them a back way is more helpful. Check the hall for cheerful families and new babies. Try not to go by the nursery.
Help them say goodbye
- Encourage a memorial service or funeral. A water ceremony might also be an option for them. Know their religious preferences and be knowledgeable about burial rites.
Follow-up
- A postpartum visit is important. Bring food when you visit. They are going through the postpartum period (even if this was a miscarriage). Check on their physical changes as well as mental changes. Do not confuse grief with postpartum depression. Review their support system and encourage meals to be brought and tasks to be completed by others.
Remember their baby
- Mark your calendar for one year from the date of loss with the baby’s name (if they had one) and send them a card. We are sometimes scared to make them think about their deceased child but they are already thinking about them. The first anniversary is very important. You are not hurting them by remembering.
Don’t forget self-care
- Many doulas leave on a high, even though you are supporting a pregnancy loss. You will likely crash. The next 3 days tend to be the most difficult. Rest and lost of self-care during this time to renew yourself and be the best person you can be for your family. Let them know you will be going through some tough moments.

This isn’t an all encompassing list. It’s a start. You can do this. I know you are questioning yourself but you have so much in you that you can bring to this space. You know how to do this even though you don’t think you are the right person. This family needs you. Go…be there for them. You got this!

Don’t Talk About the Baby – Review

October 16, 2018 / ElizabethPetrucelli

It’s a crowdfunded movie that I financially supported. I anxiously awaited the release of the movie after several years of spreading the word about this much needed movie. My hope was that it would break the stigma and silence on pregnancy loss. I was thoroughly disappointed and completed shocked with what I saw in this movie.

It started out well (for the most part). The woman who shares about her daughter was moving. She brought me to tears with her story and I could relate on many levels with her and I was in awe over her mothers intuition. She opens the movie but her full story begins mid-way. You will see her throughout the movie. I seriously just wanted to hug her.

The first portion of the movie addresses miscarriage. Families share stories of miscarriage and I was so glad they shared about blighted ovum and chemical pregnancy, two forms of loss so often overlooked. The female doctor who speaks is very well versed and I felt she was an excellent resource and empathetic as well as compassionate to her patients.

But that beginning portion began to become concerning for me. They discuss IVF; which to the secular world is fine but as a Catholic, this really bothered me. At no time was faith brought into this and while that wasn’t the point of the movie, religion was not a topic discussed yet is a primary force in the majority of families. In fact, MANY of them wore crucifixes or crosses. These were obviously chosen individually for the interviews.

While IVF was discussed as an option, the way it was presented was almost like an advertisement. The IVF message: The best way to achieve a genetically perfect child, especially for older couples is to utilize IVF. This is my paraphrasing, not the movie but what they didn’t talk about were the losses in each of those IVF trials. The babies who are genetically imperfect that are killed (discarded) in the process. I felt the male doctor really pushed for IVF and gave very little information about the real statistics on IVF.

It lines his pocket financially but the parents lose financially, emotionally, and physically and can leave them in utter despair if they aren’t lucky enough to conceive and carry to full term. The movie did nothing to touch on the fact that IVF increases the risk of stillbirth. This movie is about stillbirth so shouldn’t that have been addressed if you are putting this out there? I suppose IVF can help with creating a genetically perfect child to reduce the risk of miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities but then the family is left with a higher risk of stillbirth. I felt like this part of the movie could have been left out. Why discuss IVF at all unless we are talking stillbirth??

IVF is not the only option for older couples or couples struggling with infertility. And before anyone begins to crucify me as ‘not understanding infertility,’ I implore you to read my blogs. I suffered with infertility for over 20 years. It took 3.5 years to conceive my son and 10 years to conceive another living child (Ruby came after 6 years of infertility treatments). I could completely relate to those who had experienced pregnancy loss and those struggling with infertility although I have living children so not all aspects were the same.

I know a movie can’t possibly cover all the pieces of loss, types of loss, and be completely inclusive especially when we bring religion into it but the inclusivity this movie attempted to achieve, deviated onto a path I cannot support. It feels sinful and had I known where this movie was about to go, I would have never supported it.

Abortion. The movie segue’s into abortion. First and foremost, abortion IS a loss. While there are women who utilize abortion as birth control and have no problem with this nor feel any loss from it, there are many women who choose abortion because they believe it’s their best option to reduce either the suffering of their child, their own suffering, or to save their own life.

The woman in the movie described her abortion as medically necessary. The doctors presented her with “your child is suffering inside of you” and your child will gasp for breath, be in pain, and suffer if he is born alive. This mother, like any mother, would never want suffering for her child. Not once though, did the doctors explain the suffering her son would experience from the medication they injected into his heart to stop it.

If this child was born alive, the doctors could have reduced his suffering by giving him medication. But honestly, gasping for air doesn’t always necessitate suffering. I watched my grandfather-in-law die and I have watched multiple babies die. While gasping is uncomfortable for us to watch, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is suffering. But I digress.

I felt this mother was presented with little choice but to follow the doctors recommendation to abort. No where did they offer her comfort care for her very loved child. No where did they offer her support to carry him to term. No where did they offer her any choice but to end her son’s life because he “had no brain function outside her body.” THIS, is where the movie could have helped the medical community and parents enduring fatal diagnosis. Instead of helping a family through that fatal diagnosis, they want to end the life early. Why did they have to normalize abortion instead of carrying to term? Maybe the movie addressed it? I stopped the movie at this point (I did watch the rest the next day).

I feel sick that I supported this movie financially and I was blindsided by it. Had I known they would include such a story, I wouldn’t have opened my check book.

Here are my thoughts after finishing the movie.

I realized this morning that by writing what I have, I am alienating the grief of those who chose to abort their baby. I needed to sit with that statement for a while because alienation is not ever something I would want for those families. I think they feel it enough from the community despite the acceptance of abortion. I am upset that the woman in the video was manipulated by medical staff into thinking that her only option was abortion. I listed other options above. Difficult options. It’s not easy to carry a baby inside you that you know will die inside or at birth but I believe that’s what we should promote. Why?

Because I have had so many mothers who chose abortion for their terminally ill babies who carry immense guilt that they chose the date of death instead of allowing the inevitable process. Many regret the time they lost by choosing abortion. They struggled on choosing the date of the abortion because they didn’t want to become more attached but they didn’t realize how attached they already were. Does every woman or family fall into this? No, but hearing the stories of those who do is gut-wrenching.

I did not want to support a film that would normalize abortion. I am ashamed and this is my public confession. I didn’t know that Ann Zamudio would bring the normalization of abortion into the film “Don’t Talk About the Baby,” and I can tell you that there are more people upset by this than are coming out to say so. But as a Catholic, I can’t keep quiet about it because I don’t want to bring scandal. I didn’t know and I wouldn’t have supported it if I did.

I know many will not agree with me and that’s okay. You are also entitled to your opinion. I won’t berate you, don’t berate me. This is not my judgment against you. I have not stated anything about judgment. This is my opinion. If you are struggling with the words I wrote here, I ask you to explore why. I won’t open comments on this post either because this is very controversial but if you want to engage in open, non-hateful dialogue, you can contact me through the page.

I finished the movie this morning hoping that it would get better, but it didn’t. One of the professionals, kept saying “fetus.” STOP it already. The movie wasn’t called “Don’t Talk About the Fetus.” It made me sick every time she tried to dehumanize the baby by calling it a fetus. I lost all respect for her.

I think the movie is important. It helps shed the light on the stigma of pregnancy loss. It shares the shame associated with it and the silence as well as why there is silence. There are some good resources shared as well and the bereavement doula featured has excellent ideas. Boy, do I wish those ideas would come to fruition all over! She was spot on but I am sure I felt that way because those are the same things I have been screaming for the past 8 years.

Boy, 8 years. That hit me writing that. Ruby would be 8 next month. I can’t believe it.

While I disagree with some of what was presented in this movie, it’s not enough for me to say I wouldn’t recommend it. What I DO want people to know is that the directors placed abortion in here and not all loss mothers can or will relate to that specific topic. In addition, I know many have and will find it offensive. Proceed with caution when watching “Don’t Talk About the Baby.”

As a side note, I thought “Return to Zero” was much better.

Use of a Fetal Doppler in Pregnancy

October 10, 2017 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional. Please consult with your doctor or midwife if you have any questions regarding this information and opinion on the use of a fetal Doppler in pregnancy.

I want to address this fear-mongering article from Bustle. In the article, This New Pregnancy Trend Among Millennial Women Could Seriously Harm Unborn Babies, the author makes some “serious” claims. First, I want to pick apart the title. “New Pregnancy Trend,” “Millennial Women,” “Seriously Harm Unborn Babies.”

This is not a new pregnancy trend. Unless “in the last 15 years” is considered a new trend. When I was pregnant with my now 14-year old, home monitoring devices were around. Back then, it wasn’t easy to find a fetal Doppler to use at home, but I had a home monitoring device called Bebe Sounds Prenatal Listener. I could listen to my baby’s heart, record it, and also play music to my baby. It came with headphones and an adapter for my mp3 player or Walkman. We have really come a long way in the last 15 years!

I remember thinking it was odd that no gel was needed to hear my baby’s heartbeat but once I was far enough along, I could certainly hear him in there moving and the little thump of his heart. It probably was far into my third trimester before we could hear anything. Fast forward 10 years.

I had experienced one miscarriage before I became pregnant in 2013. I knew how easy it was to rent a home fetal Doppler and I wanted one. I didn’t want to rent one so I bought one on eBay ;the Sonoline B. Guess what, Walmart now sells them and they are cheaper than the one I bought on eBay five years ago.

This is hardly a “new pregnancy trend.”

The next claim in the title is that this is by millennial women. I am NOT a millennial and many pregnant women in my age group (35-45) are not millennial either and they use fetal Dopplers. In fact, many of my millennial friends would never and have not used a fetal Doppler. I dislike the authors use of a generation.

Just plainly say “women.” Does this mean that only millennial women are so ignorant they could not figure out how to use a fetal Doppler?

And finally, the author’s fear-mongering statement, “Seriously Harm Unborn Babies.” Wow! That’s a catchy title and unfortunately, it’s click-bait. In the article, there wasn’t a single bit of information proving that using a fetal Doppler causes “serious” harm. Yes. I purposely removed the word, “Could” from my picking apart because I guess ANYTHING “could” cause harm. This article was meant to scare women from using the fetal Doppler.

This Pop Sugar article calls it a new “fun” trend, so not fear-mongering. It’s also almost a cut and paste of the Bustle article. For me, it certainly wasn’t fun although there may be women who use a fetal Doppler for “fun.”

Do I recommend women use a fetal Doppler in pregnancy? NO

Why? I don’t think every woman needs or should have one.

But to scare women from using one is a disservice. Elizabeth Hutton, CEO of Kicks Count UK, even has a petition to ban the private sale of Dopplers. I love Kicks Count and I utilize their brochures, cards, and documentation in my childbirth classes. It’s important to assess your baby’s fetal movements and this can be a very bonding experience for the parents. I don’t agree with banning a tool, where if a mother is trained properly, she has a tool which can help her immensely.

Let’s talk about training, because in the article This New Pregnancy Trend Among Millennial Women Could Seriously Harm Unborn Babies, the author claims that women are untrained and speculates that no woman can or should be trained. Instead, the article warns women not to use this tool because it can cause stress which is harmful for a baby (due to not finding a heartbeat) and it can cause reassurance when there is actually something wrong (because the mere finding of a heartbeat does not signify health of baby).

If the author is mistakenly referring to ultrasound Doppler or even fetal heart monitoring on a strip, then yes, there is more training that takes place, but not years of training as the article states: “Midwives and doctors train for many years to interpret what they hear through a doppler.” I took a weekend class on reading and assessing fetal heart tones as a labor doula.

If stress is going to be cited as harmful for the mother and baby, raised blood pressure for mother and premature birth (which is a stretch to say the least), what about the mother who has chronic anxiety in her pregnancy because she is a loss mother and is in a constant state of worry over the health of her baby?

If a mother couldn’t find the heartbeat on her home fetal Doppler, she would have acute stress and need to see her OBGYN or midwife for reassurance (this is a good thing). Once the mother receives reassurance that the baby is okay, her stress would diminish. Many pregnancy after a loss mothers are under chronic stress. Chronic stress would more likely lead to raised blood pressure and potentially, prematurity. If a woman had a tool which could potentially reduce that chronic stress, wouldn’t we want that available to her? Now you are saying that doctors should then prescribe a home fetal Doppler. I will agree with you there.

The final concern is that a mother may “think” she hears the heartbeat when it’s actually placental flow, her own heartbeat, or hears the fetal heartbeat but there could still be something wrong and she is reassured when she shouldn’t be. This is the biggest concern for me and I have experienced this first-hand (although my baby was fine).

This is where a little bit of training would be beneficial on the use of home fetal Dopplers. In addition, doctors and midwives who know their patients are using them, should have serious discussion about fetal Doppler use and when to be seen. I can’t tell you how many times I was told, “If you feel like there is something wrong, or your baby has reduced movements, come in.” Let’s not forget that there are plenty of You Tube videos out there to show women how to use a fetal Doppler.

I would have been in the doctors office every day, all day.

It’s really not feasible or realistic for women enduring pregnancy after a loss. And with my insurance, after hours requires a visit to the ER as no urgent care is available for pregnancy so once 5-o’clock hits, it’s ER time or suck it up until morning (which can be fatal for a baby).

How about training women how to use the fetal Doppler. I know I have said this before. Instead of avoiding the conversation because you don’t want the mother to use the fetal Doppler and if you talk about it you will encourage her, have that difficult conversation and help her to know when something isn’t right and she needs to seek care.

It didn’t take much training for me to learn what I was hearing; my baby’s heartbeat (fast or about 130 beats per minute in my last pregnancy and 165 in my second living pregnancy), placenta (more of a whooshy sound with heartbeat), and what was my heartbeat (much slower or around 60 beats per minute). I was always sure I heard the heartbeat but just because I heard it, didn’t mean everything was okay.

We can teach women that just because they hear the heartbeat doesn’t mean everything is okay and that they should also seek care if there is a concern such as reduced fetal movement or their intuition tells them there is something wrong. I surveyed labor and delivery nurses, who work in different parts of the country, on how much training they received on the use of the fetal Doppler. It ranged from “on-the-job” training to “I don’t remember being trained in nursing school,” and “we had training in nursing school and on rotation.” Nurses did have a competency to complete each year while on labor and delivery.

The article implies that women are not trainable, nor should be trained on how to distinguish their baby’s heartbeat from their own or the placenta. I disagree and believe that fetal Doppler’s can be a very effective tool at lowering chronic stress in pregnancy after a loss or in any woman who is experiencing chronic stress in pregnancy related to the unknown of the health of their baby. Women should be directed to visit their care providers with questions on fetal health, with reduced movements (COUNT THOSE KICKS!) and if their intuition tells them something is wrong.

If we can combine the use of a fetal Doppler with the instructions women are already given in pregnancy on when to see their care provider, the use of a fetal Doppler can be helpful for the woman.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional. Please consult with your doctor or midwife if you have any questions regarding this information and/or concerns about your baby’s health.

They lost a child for goodness sake!

May 10, 2016 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

It isn’t called a miscarriage, it’s called a stillbirth. They lost a child for goodness sake.

Miscarriage vs. Stillbirth

This is a very interesting statement and it implies that a woman experiencing a miscarriage, did not lose a child. If she didn’t lose a child, what DID she lose?

For me, the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I believed I was pregnant with a baby. Some do not believe this and that may be the right choice for them but if anyone called my baby an embryo or fetus, that was offensive to me. Because of this, when my baby died, I felt I had lost a child. There was so much our family lost when both Ruby and Gus died.

I recently attended a workgroup in Houston, Texas where we discussed how to effectively manage miscarriage in the emergency department. This is an area I am working hard to change because many women are sent away from the emergency department with little to no support or options.

While at the workshop, important leaders within the medical community met with leaders in perinatal loss which included members of PLIDA. We talked for four hours about what we can do to best assist families through miscarriage and we came up with some great ideas, but I left sad. The reason was because one major thing needed to change or none of what was presented would change either. That was the language that was used.

Spontaneous abortion/miscarriage, products of conception, embryo/fetus, baby/child, etc. While these words were used, I watch the faces of the medical professionals when someone referred to their “products of conception” as a baby. They cringed. And one woman called her baby a fetus but when a doctor heard the gestation of the baby, she became upset that fetus was used because the term embryo should have been used instead.

Even though we discussed language was a big factor in how miscarriage should be managed within an emergency department, if the medical professionals don’t want to change their language to what the family is using, our efforts will be fruitless. This will certainly be a challenge.

So let’s talk about the comments in the thread of the picture above. This was in response to a woman whose baby had passed away near term. I remember the story and the person is a celebrity. The news reported the loss as a miscarriage; however, the term was incorrect and in fact, the baby was near full-term which is a stillbirth.

But that first comment is one of the stigma’s surrounding miscarriage and can make women confused about whether or not they have a right to grieve. If society does not accept that a miscarried embryo/fetus is not a child/baby, then what it is and is it acceptable for a woman to grieve that loss?

The thoughts and prayers are certainly wonderful but the responses above are really trying to compare miscarriage and stillbirth. Comparing loss serves no one.

Surviving the Holidays After Pregnancy Loss

December 24, 2015 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

It’s the holidays. Notoriously a happy and gleeful time of year yet can be the most painful time of year, especially following pregnancy loss. If you have experienced a loss this year, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that this will be your first Christmas without your baby. I don’t know your pain, but I do know my pain and it hurts. I would be holding a new baby this Christmas but instead, I hold him in my heart. Here are some tips to help you through these holidays.

It’s okay to say NO.

If you don’t feel like spending time with friends and family, it’s okay to say no. Be gentle with your dismissal of their offer, “Thank you for inviting us but we won’t be able to attend,” is an easy way of declining. You don’t have to give the reason. If you feel like sharing, go ahead but don’t feel obligated. Know your limits and don’t push yourself.

You don’t have to “fake” it.”

There is this feeling of guilt we have if we bring sadness and despair to holiday parties and gatherings. You don’t have to “fake” a smile. It’s okay to be authentic and be the person you are in this moment. I remember one Mother’s Day just sitting on the couch away from the entire family. I knew I couldn’t say anything nice and I couldn’t participate in all the festivities so instead, I just sat away from everyone. I gave my hubby permission to indulge and have fun and I didn’t resent him for it. I just decided that I couldn’t fake it so this is where I felt the best.

Remember your little one.

Purchase an ornament and decorate it, buy a gift, make something, participate in an Angel Tree/Wreath. Even if your little one isn’t here, there are many things you can do to remember them or donate in remembrance. We have ornaments for both our babies and every year we pick a child who is the same age as our Ruby would be and purchase gifts for them from the Angel Wreath at our church. This year was particularly fun as Ruby would have been 5. The 5 year old girl we picked wanted a red party dress.

I didn’t realize how much fun I could have picking out that dress. At first, I was kind of sad, but as I searched through the many red dresses available my heart filled with love over how happy the little girl was going to be when she opened her present revealing the red dress. There were many to choose from but I ultimately chose this one.

Know someone will say the wrong thing.

“Be happy with what you have.”

“When are you going to try again?”

“It’s God’s way of saying it’s not meant to be.”

“There must have been something wrong with the baby so you are better off.”

These comments can be very hurtful although the sender usually is trying to give bring comfort in these words.

Choose your battles.

There will always be someone who just “won’t get it.” It’s up to you if you want to “educate” them or walk away. This goes along with the above, the person likely isn’t trying to cause you pain or to be insensitive but the comments or lack there of, can still be infuriating.

Someone will likely ignore you, the situation, and/or be silent.

This can be just as painful as hearing insensitive comments. I have been told often that someone, a family member, relative, or friend, said nothing. Wouldn’t it be nice if they said, “Remembering your little one(s) with you today.” It can be as simple as that and it is so comforting to hear someone recognize your little one.

Don’t feel guilty or shameful for feeling happy.

It’s okay to enjoy yourself. The holiday season is a time where we see relatives we haven’t seen often enough and it’s okay to smile, laugh, and have some fun. This does not mean you don’t love your baby or have forgotten them.

Find comfort.

Support groups, therapists, counselors, mentors, friends, online and in person groups, can be a wonderful source of comfort as you navigate the holidays. Clergy, priests, pastors, and church services can also be a way to seek comfort. If you feel you are depressed, please seek the support of a licensed therapist to help you.

Stop Silencing Us

December 3, 2015 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

Many of you saw it, the CNN news cast about Nicholas’ School Project where he shared his family, all of the members of his family, which included his brother Noah who was born still. A teacher at the school, Old Brooklyn Elementary and Middle School, refused to accept Nicholas’ project, stating it contained inappropriate content and that he needed to resubmit his family pictures. Many of us are appalled and outraged. And we have a right to be. The teacher is basically saying that Noah, is inappropriate, that a picture of him is appalling and that the other kids being exposed to his picture, will see that death exists.

Apparently, the school wants to hide the fact that death exists.

In a world full of violence, murder, and school shootings, what is this school teaching their children? In my son’s elementary school, they learned about lock down. They learned how to hide during an active shooter. Is this school teaching their kids what to do in the event they experience this type of violence? If so, what are they telling the kids the reason for the drill is? I remember having bomb drills in elementary school, hiding under desks and sheltering in the classroom. Tornado and fire drills are a part of every school protocol, but what does this mean? Are we discounting death?

I am not off topic here, I am making a point. Death exists. Evil exists. To shelter children from it, only makes it more scary. To shelter children, makes them unaware. To shelter children, hurts the children who are the unfortunate ones who have had to experience it.

Nicholas is carrying grief. He loves his brother and sharing him helps him. It helps him to cope and process his loss. It helps him feel good when his parents are crying and grieving. Sharing a picture of his stillborn brother, HELPS HIM.

Noah is not something to be disgusted by. He is not something to be afraid of. Noah is reality. The reality that 1 in 160 babies are born still every year in the US. The children who would see Noah’s picture, will most likely see him for who he is. A baby. Only the teacher brought in the death. Only the teacher and the principal brought the fear of death into the situation.

This was an opportunity for questions, for awareness, for supporting a hurting student. As a parent, I would not be offended at all by this but the sad reality is, we know that parents are offended and they may be upset. But Nicholas was never given a chance. Instead, his voice was silenced. Instead, he was told to “hide” his brother. To “change the picture.” That is family didn’t fit societal norm. He was asked to show people a “fake family.” If both of his parents were women or men, would he have been asked to change the picture?

This silencing has got to stop. Joey was silenced. Many of you have heard him share about his loss of Ruby. Many of you saw him cry over his sister who was born not alive in the first trimester. Miscarriage and stillbirth is real and it is frequent. I can’t be silent over this. I won’t be silent.

Below is a letter I wrote to the principal. The one who “supported her teachers decision.” I urge you to write to her as well. Please try to be civil. It’s okay to be angry. I know I am. I hope we can help her see the error in what was done and help validate Nicholas’ feelings.

Good Morning Ms. Kaiser,

I saw the video on CNN this morning about the school project where Nicholas shared his brother Noah who was stillborn. As a bereaved mother, educator, and perinatal loss specialist, I found it offensive that your teacher refused to accept Nicholas’ project and that you stood by their actions. According to your media statement, you felt the photo was inappropriate.

What about the photo was inappropriate? Nicholas held his deceased brother, he loves his brother, he has seen his parents grieve over his brother, and he himself carries grief. To tell him that the picture is inappropriate is to discount his feelings and confuse him. This is one of your students and is a student that is hurting and needs your support.

Teachers have a profound impact on the children they educate. It is important that Nicholas receive compassion and acceptance for his very real feelings and validate his very real grief. A teacher did something very similar to my son in 2010. He was 6 years old when his sister died and we experienced a miscarriage. The teacher was separating children by number of siblings and when my son went into the group with 1 sibling, the teacher asked him to leave that group and return to the only child group. The reason, “because his sister wasn’t living, she didn’t exist.”

Because of this experience, my son speaks out publicly about how hurt he was by his teacher and the secondary victimization he felt because of her actions. He feels society should be accepting of young children’s response to grief and the way they process the death of a sibling. Children are the silent grievers when it comes to miscarriage and stillbirth.

Ma’am, you are continuing to spread the stigma that miscarriage and stillbirth isn’t common, isn’t worthy of grief, that families shouldn’t share their experiences, and that children should suppress their feelings about their loss. 1 in 4 women will miscarry, it’s highly likely that you have had this experience. 1 in 160 babies are born still. This is more common than Down Syndrome diagnoses which so many women are worried about in their pregnancies.

I highly encourage you to learn more about miscarriage and stillbirth. There are thousands of non-profits and organizations that support families through these experiences. It is so extremely common and it is also highly likely that other children within your school have had the same experiences yet Nicholas could have been the first child to express his grief in this way.

I have seen your name smeared all over social media and the backlashing from the loss community. I hope you will come out and share that Nicholas will receive full credit for his project and allow him to display his work. Please stop shaming families who have experienced the loss of their child. Please welcome them and the pictures of their families (including pictures of their deceased baby).

You can help break the silence. You can be a solution and an advocate. You can help support Nicholas as he grieves and remembers his brother. You can help educate your children that death is real. Noah did not die from violence. He was not murdered. He was born silently. Please reconsider your statement.

It is our duty as parents and educators to help our children through their grief. We stand with you Cassandra Hess.

Brought Together – October 15th

October 25, 2015 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

On October 15, 2015, families from across the front range and Wyoming, were brought together to honor and remember their babies and children who are no longer living. In celebration of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Dragonflies For Ruby held a Candlelight Vigil and Remembrance Event in Castle Rock, Colorado in conjunction with Rock A My Baby Family Enrichment Center. Photographer Ashley Henry was present to capture all the candles and special moments of the evening.

This year, the event had grown so much, volunteers were needed to help with all the preparations and cost of the event. I cannot thank those volunteers enough for helping. We wrote names on each of the tags and placed those tags carefully on the candles. The candles were laid out lovingly by more volunteers which took several hours to place.

There were several unexpected happenings that evening. First, it was how everyone who attended was brought together and loved on by all there. It didn’t matter how early the loss, what type of loss, or how old their child was; the families here understood and loved. People they didn’t even know or had ever met, were embraced and surrounded by with loving arms.

As the event coordinator, it gets easy to become lost in all the preparations. It is also difficult to remember your own children when you are holding up those who have come to attend. There were no silent moments for me to remember my own children who had gone too soon, but I didn’t even realize it until later. It was wonderful to have the support of my family there to help remember and light their candles.

In the past, I have always had a large candle at the top of the heart. It was Ruby’s candle. This year, I did not bring it. I wanted all babies and children to have similar sized candles. I didn’t want Ruby’s to be any bigger as if she meant more than any other baby or child. When Ashley (the photographer) could not find her candle and I explained why, she mentioned that Ruby is who started this whole event and the organization. I had never thought of it that way and I was so glad that Ashley was able to remind me. It was then, that I missed having her candle there but her place was still at the top of the heart.

All our children mattered that evening and it was evident in the faces and hearts of those who attended. Donations poured in like never before. All my prayers for how I was going to afford the event were answered. I had enough to share with Ashley and support her and I hope next year, we will have some funding to support others who help with the event.

We did some different things this year that I hope to keep as a tradition. First was the large candle with all the babies and children’s names on them. I was so happy to have found a way to keep those who we remembered and had remembered at past events, present with us. It was easy enough to make so I will do this again next year.

We also added some LED balloons. We wrote names on the balloons. Everyone seemed to really love this addition. I will be sure to have the balloons next year blown up with helium that has additive in it so they float longer. Even though I had them filled at 5pm, a few were already struggling at 8pm.

I really liked the idea of reading the names as the candles were placed. It helped the event move more smoothly. I know that next year we will be in a different location but I think we will still be able to incorporate this. I also hope that next year we have another person to read some of the names. I had four pages of names this year compared to one over the last two years.

I was so honored to read each name; some were harder than others. I will close this post with the message I sent to all those who attended the event.

I want to take a moment and share my thoughts with you about the event. I apologize it has taken me this long to share with you. The morning after the event, I flew to Oklahoma to help my mother who had surgery. She has horses and she is unable to tend to them for a few months. I did not anticipate that they would have little access to the internet so that has delayed what I wanted to share.

I cannot thank you all enough for coming out and sharing your babies and children. I did not realize how important this event really was to so many of you. I know that sounds weird, as I am a bereaved parent as well and I have found events like this healing but as the organizer, I think I get a bit lost in all the planning that takes place for the event.

Needless to say, I was blown away by all of your responses at the event and on this page. Without you sharing, we would not have been able to honor all our babies and children. As we move throughout our daily lives, it becomes more and more difficult to incorporate our children who are no longer with us. Events like this help us take a moment to remember. We may hurt, we may cry, but we are remembering.

We know that society tells us we need to move on, to forget. We cannot forget and we do not move on. We love. Each step we take is one of survival because we hurt and long to hold someone we cannot. We can however, hold them in our hearts and share them with others.

All of us at the event understood that. We came together. We knew what the pain feels like and it didn’t matter when we lost our baby or child, we all held each other that evening.

While I hope this event grows, I do hope to maintain that love and support we had for each other that Thursday night. This is being human and it was so heartwarming to see all of us come together in such a way. Thank you all for that.

Each year, we will expand and if you want to help with the event, I would love to have you. I also want to thank you ALL for your generous donations. My heart is so full. You all have helped to sustain Dragonflies For Ruby, the event, and the support which can be provided to families enduring loss.

We had families from up and down the front range attend as well as a family from Wyoming. I cannot believe they came down here for this event and I hope to help them get an event started in Wyoming next year!!

So, as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month comes to an end, know that your babies and children are loved, missed, and remembered. You can light a candle each morning or evening to keep them present in your home or purchase a special candle holder. There are many ways you can keep your children’s memories alive within your home. I am honored to have the candle with all our babies and children’s names on it.

If you need anything, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. You will certainly get an email next year about the event. Thank you again and I hope to see ALL of you next year!

Honoring Your Baby

October 13, 2015 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

Ethan Nicholas Bishop

Honoring a very tiny baby may seem like overkill but it’s important to do something in honor of your baby. Honoring your baby can really help with coping and feelings of closure. Although not all ways may give you “closure” you may still feel a sense of peace when you honor your baby.

Honoring your baby can be very simple or as elaborate as you would like. Here are some ideas:

Naming Your Baby

Some women feel called to name their baby. You may feel push back from friends and family or you may receive positive support when you talk about naming your baby. If you feel called to name your baby, take some time in the quiet to feel out the best name for your baby. If you had a baby very early, you may not know the sex of your baby. This does not mean you cannot name your baby. You don’t even have to pick a gender neutral name, you can still name your baby what you felt your baby was or had picked for your baby.

Listen to your intuition. Many times, it is correct. If you pray, you may also pray and ask for God’s guidance on what your baby’s name is. There is no right or wrong name or way to do this. Names can be simple or elaborate. Some examples are: Baby Apple, Baby Bean, Asher, Neveah, Baby _______ (fill in your last name), or as we named our babies, Ruby Josephine and Augustus Jude.

Baby Book

With a miscarriage, it may be more difficult to have tangible items for a book; however, there are items which can create a wonderful keepsake. Items which can be included in a baby book might be:

Picture of positive pregnancy test
Lab results
Ultrasound photos
Notes or journal writings to baby or about baby
Poems
Pictures of announcement
Sympathy cards

It is important to do what feels right for you. If you feel like including something in your book but feel you may be judged by others, it is okay to listen to your heart and place those items in your book. This is ultimately your book and one you may return to when you want to remember.

Memory Box

A memory box can be a great way to keep all your mementos together. Even for very tiny babies, you may have items that can be stored for remembering the experience. Items may include:

Positive Pregnancy Test
Lab Results
Ultrasound Photos
Hospital band (from D&C or other pregnancy related admission)
Personal journal
Pictures drawn by your or your living children
Work from therapy
Birth or Death Announcement
Sympathy Cards

If your baby passed at a later gestation, you could also include:

Pictures from labor and birth
Lock of hair
Handprints and/or footprints
Hospital blanket and/ or ID bands
Going home outfit that was intended for baby
Pictures from baby shower or gender reveal

Tattoos

Many are called to commemorate their baby through a tattoo, either with their baby’s name or some other symbol like a butterfly, tiny footprints, angel wings, or the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon. Some examples might be:

In memory of Hunter Grace

In Memory of Mayflower, Poppy, Pickle, Jennyfur Angel, Maybird, Willow, Lovebug, Joy, Rayne, Twinkle, Bluebell, Baby Bean, Glory Michelle, Sweet Baby, Sunshine

Ethan Nicholas Bishop

Stephanie Joanna

Funeral or Memorial Service

Regardless of what you choose to do with the physical form of your baby’s body, you can still hold a funeral or memorial service. A memorial can be appropriate and very healing. You may send out invitations or call your friends and family inviting them to the service or event. This can be held at a church, in a garden, or even at your home. You may have flowers, a table displaying your baby’s name, pictures of your baby or pregnancy/ultrasound pictures, as well as other items with which you remember your baby by.

At the service you can read prayers, poems or notes that remind you of your baby or were written for your baby. Invite others to share by allowing them to come forward and talk. The service doesn’t have to look like anything specific so trust what feels right for you.

A commendation ceremony is also a wonderful ceremony. It is typically a Catholic ceremony where the baby is commended back to Christ. This can be coupled with a naming ceremony.

Other ideas

Release balloons, plant something (flowers, tree, bush), attend a butterfly release or memorial walk, purchase a special candle and light it when you think about your baby, purchase a special item which reminds you of your baby, make a blanket/hat/or other item which you can hold.

The possibilities truly are endless. Since there is no right or wrong way to remember your baby, you can be as creative or as elaborate as you would like. Celebrate your baby’s life, no matter how short it was.

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage

Viral Rainbow Babies Photo

October 8, 2015 / ElizabethPetrucelli / 0 Comments

So many of us have seen this set of photos. The Huffington Post wrote an article about these photos entitled Viral ‘Rainbow Babies’ Photo Post Brings Emotional Topic To Light. In that article, author Caroline Bologna shares that Chastity Boatman posted this set of photos on her blog in order “…for women to help support and heal one another. For women to know that they’re not alone in their struggles…”

It is a beautiful photo and I love that it depicts “rainbow babies” which are babies born after a pregnancy loss but…and here’s my butt…it really scares me.

Here’s why.

If people want to emulate this and create their own rainbow babies pictures what if a baby doesn’t make it? Stillbirth occurs in 1 and 160 pregnancies. Women participating in this kind of a photo shoot may experience a loss and then what? What will replace the woman and her intended baby in the subsequent photo?

I don’t want to be a negative nelly. I love this photo. I think it’s awesome, although the original photographers did not intend for these photos to depict the “rainbow babies” we have defined here. It certainly depicts all we hope in our pregnancies after a loss. It has been shared all over Facebook in many of the loss community groups. I was overjoyed to see it and thought it was an amazing concept that would bring awareness but…

I held my breath. I became fearful. I wondered if others would try this and where it might lead.

So what would a photographer put in the place of a mother experiencing a pregnancy loss between photo shoots? Would the mother still participate? Would the photographer have “fill-in’s” that would be photoshopped into the original if there was a stillbirth or infant death in between photo shoots? Would they incorporate another image or some other way to represent the mother and her lost child?

I hope we don’t find out. I am sure there will be photographers that will emulate this. I think it’s a wonderful concept and a great tribute to pregnancy after a loss. It just scares me that a baby won’t make it.