Breaking the Silence of First Trimester Miscarriage

So, what does this picture of the name Timmy on the door to his room have to do with acceptance? I realized several weeks ago that my house is virtually empty of anything representing Timmy. Why? Am I too busy? Is this second child syndrome? Am I afraid? I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have a wall FULL of family photos and not one of them includes Timmy and he has been in our lives for 9 months (outside the womb).

One day last week, Timmy was sitting on the floor in the upstairs hallway and he was looking at Joey’s door. Joey’s door has the name “Joey” on it in big, colorfully painted wood letters. They aren’t the original letters for his door. I made those years ago out of smaller letters but when Joey was about 4-5 years old, we made some new ones and he assisted in painting them and decorating them.

Timmy looked at Joey’s door and looked at his door. Did he notice there was nothing on his door? Did he realize that there was a difference? I am not sure, but I certainly noticed. Then, as he crawled through the hallway, he was looking at all the pictures on the family wall. Was he searching for a picture of himself? I am not sure, but I certainly noticed there wasn’t anything of him on the wall.

I have pictures of Joey as a newborn, infant, toddler, and years on up but nothing of Timmy. Well, I think the pictures of Joey stop around age 6 so it looks like I need to update some of those as well but Joey is splattered all over the house. Timmy…is nowhere to be found.

So I fixed that today by ordering some photos and putting these letters on his door. I will hang the pictures this weekend so Timmy has more of a physical presence but deep down, I wonder if I haven’t accepted him into the family. I wonder if my fear of losing him has kept me from placing reminders of him everywhere. It’s as if he died and I have no real reminders, it won’t hurt as bad…YEAH RIGHT! Silly brain for trying to cope that way.

I am glad I fixed it. As soon as I hung the letters and Timmy woke from his nap, I showed him the letters on his door. He flapped his arms by his side and laughed. Then he reached and grabbed for his letters. It was as if he knew and he was excited to have his own letters. It was as if he knew he was accepted. His mother has finally accepted that he is here, he is hers, and he is a welcome member of the family. Acceptance.

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage