I treasured you from the very beginning and prayed you would live but after learning about your condition, I knew God had chosen me to carry you your whole life! I was chosen for YOU, Gus. I knew your name from day one. I think I knew you wouldn’t make it but I had no idea how special you would be. So few babies with Full Triploidy survive. When they do, they don’t live very long.
But you had a purpose. Your life had meaning. You brought joy to us even through the grief. All your brothers and sister know you. We still talk about you and we have memories of you in our home.
All life has purpose, even the tiniest or smallest of babies. Even that little baby you may not want (I’ve been there), has a purpose and will bring you joy. We must give all life a chance. I would have been pressured to abort Augustus, in the same way I was pressured to abort my most recent daughter despite her being completely normal. I can’t understand why a child, who isn’t “normal,” isn’t considered precious and doesn’t deserve the same dignity as everyone else.
We must remember that all of us have a Creator who loves us and has a plan for us. It’s not predestination but we all have a plan that our God wants for us, just like our parents have a plan for us. We are free to follow it and we are also free to deviate from it. I could have easily aborted Augustus but even though he was never meant to live, his life was great! It was so short but he was so loved. He was loved his entire life, wrapped in the warmth of my womb, never knowing pain or suffering. He was MY Augustus Jude.
It’s hard to believe I would have an 11 year old right now. A girl, approaching her teen years but I know if she was born, I likely wouldn’t have my other children. I think of her often still. I think about what she would be like and the things we would be doing together. Sometimes I think about the things we have missed but I try hard not to focus on that much.
She had a purpose and she fulfilled it regardless of how tiny she was. Her life and death inspired so much in me. I wrote a book about her and her loss that has helped so many people. God can use everything for good and while I know her little life wasn’t what it was just so I could write a book, even the tiniest of babies not born can serve purpose.
I also began my bereavement ministry and supported other families through their own losses. In that process, I learned so much. I learned things that I didn’t want to know and things that were horrific that I didn’t know were actually a thing (like NICU nurses wanting to kill babies by stopping life support while their parents weren’t in the room), but I also learned so many good and amazing things like options that bring comfort and met people who really do care about miscarriage and stillbirth.
Ruby Josephine meant more than just the book, the websites and the services. She was my first daughter, a sibling desperately desired and loved, she’s present in our home in many ways, and will never be forgotten by us. Hopefully, the experience we had changed the way doctors do things when women experience pregnancy loss and I hope that her legacy continues even if I can’t provide bereavement services right now.
I just wanted to say, “Happy Birthday” Ruby. We love you!