Oklahoma Ice Storm - All That is Seen and UnseenToday is Christmas Day, 2013. I love Christmas. It is my most favorite time of the year. We welcome the birth of Jesus and celebrate with our family and friends. I wasn’t intending on writing a blog today but while searching to purchase a certificate of life or some other print for someone who just lost their baby, I ran across this blog at Still Standing Magazine.

I fully support Carly Marie. She has an amazing talent. I am struggling with the site and how to purchase the print I want but her photos are amazing and I am glad she wrote this article. I saw the responses to her post and they go both ways (thanking her and chastising her). I get why she doesn’t use the term “angel” to describe her son who was born still. I get why she doesn’t use the term “rainbow baby.” Everything she said resonates with me but there is something that also wasn’t spoken about. There is something that bothers me…the guilt I feel from time to time. Guilt sucks.

Where the heck did guilt come from? Here is my guilt and it’s actually in response to my friend who posted a response to Carly’s article. My friend posted that she doesn’t refer to her baby born following her loss as her rainbow baby. I like the term but understand that some people never receive their “rainbow.” For me, I take solace in the term. It helps me have something to “lean on.” BUT, my friend also wrote something. She stated she was “indescribably grateful to have and hold her every day.” What does this feel like? Does it mean that it’s never hard to have her daughter? Does it mean that she never gets upset with her daughter, feels frustration, feels like she can’t do this because being a parent is hard?

I know it doesn’t because I talk with her BUT, as a mother of a rainbow baby, are we supposed to feel happy and “lucky” 24/7 with our living babies? There are times when it is hard with my son. There are times where I feel great frustration, great fear, great happiness, great sadness, and feel so completely worn out I question if I can do this job. I know I can but sometimes it’s hard. And sometimes, the guilt sets in over the fact that I don’t feel “lucky” every day. That I don’t thank God every day that my son is still with me even though my daughter spends her days in heaven.

Guilt. It sucks.

Are we made to feel like we can’t have hard days because we lost a baby before? Who told us that we MUST love every moment with our rainbow babies? Where did this come from? So, as Carly Marie shares her intimate feelings and knew that they would be very controversial, I too, am sharing that guess what??? It’s hard sometimes. And there are days where I am so frustrated and angry because it was so hard. And yes, there are days where I am not so super happy that I have another baby even though I feel scared about him being taken from me. Guilt.

I feel guilty even just writing this. Carly Marie isn’t alone in her feelings. I really hope I am not alone as well. I am not sure I even spoke clearly in this. And it’s Christmas. Guilt…