Babies die and we don’t know why (most of the time).

I did everything right in my pregnancy so why? Why did he have to die?

Would it make more sense if I had something to blame? Spicy food, too much exercise, alcohol, smelling smoke, but alas, there is nothing. Not one thing I can pinpoint as to why he died. I didn’t do anything wrong that I can think of but there HAS to be something.

He was perfect in every way. He didn’t look like there was anything wrong with him but maybe there was? Maybe something inside him was wrong. Something we couldn’t see on the outside.

There just has to be something wrong. There needs to be an explanation. Babies just don’t die.

Was it the placenta? Did it stop working or tear?

I felt him just hours before. I left to go to the hospital because I was in labor. I knew I was in labor and I was excited even though I was scared. I knew I would be bringing home a baby to hold and love. I was excited about the sleepless nights and the laundry changes.

But now, my sleepless nights are caused by nightmares; hearing a baby crying (yet I never heard his voice), seeing his face over and over, reliving those moments of when we were told he no longer had a heartbeat. His laundry and furniture are collecting dust. Not because we chose to have him in our room with us but because we had to bury him. He will never use all that we prepared for him.

I will never see his face without noticing his black lips. I will never know what his voice sounds like or what his breath smells like. I never even saw his eyes open. I wonder what color they would have been?

I went to the hospital to have a happy day, instead, I had the worst day of my life. Why oh why did he have to die?

Written by Elizabeth Petrucelli, following the loss of Baby ____.