Those on the “TTC” Journey which means “Trying to Conceive” understand the Big Fat Negative or rather, BFN. Yes. That’s where we are at in our journey…AGAIN!
It doesn’t matter how you feel as you pee on the stick and anxiously await two lines. But when only one line appears…the control line, disappointment flows.
Expected = disappointment
Unexpected = shock + disappointment
Indifferent = disappointment
Ugh! Then the questions?
Why? Is it me? Is it my husband? Is it not our time? Is it not in our plan? Did I pray hard enough? Was it because I ran in the two week wait (2ww)? Should I try again? Will it work next time? Do I need to try different meds? Should I have exploratory surgery? Do we need to try herbs? Should we try insemination (IUI) again? Etc, etc, etc.
Doubt and pain fills your body. “It’s never going to work,” gets repeated in your head over and over again. Then, you have small wrays of hopefullness. “My period is coming and we can start over again. I’ll eat better, work out more, and focus on my body more. This time…it will happen!”
So, you start the cycle all over again, desperate for those two lines to appear on the HCG stick after the two week wait. Yes. It’s not a pregnancy test, it’s an HCG stick. Pregnancy tests are too expensive so to save money, I get these internet sticks that come with no frills.
Either way, I am not even sure I want to attempt this again. My mind is full of other questions and concerns. I am getting too old. My eggs are getting bad. Jason’s sperm is getting older. Joey is getting older (what’s the benefit to a sibling at this point anyway). I don’t want to be 38 and having my second living child. Will I have a special needs child because I am so old? Ugh! The list goes on and on but then there is a whisper…it’s God but I don’t know what he is saying because I am either not hearing it, blocking it, or not understanding it and now I hit the crossroads of bargaining with God to give me some sign on which way to go.
The one constant is adoption but Jason won’t do it so the only other option is no child or continue with fertility treatments.
Oh, the nice fertility treatments. The one’s I said long ago had no side effects. Well, this last cycle…SIDE EFFECTS. None during the follicular phase (before ovulation) but once ovulation hits..BAAM!! Pain in the ovaries, pain in the uterus, fullness in the uterus, cramps in the uterus. Those last a few days, then BAAM!! Sore @ss breasts! Not just kind of sore, but REALLY sore.
Then there is the joint pain. The common side effect of inflammation from the fertility drugs. Then, the absolute WORST part…IRRITABILITY. Four – fourteen days of pure anger, craziness, and yelling at anything and everything and you don’t know why. You just do it, because that’s what your body does. You have NO control over it. It seeps through every fiber of your being. Your kid doesn’t understand, your husband has no clue and any other person you are around just thinks your being a b*tch!
So…are we going to try again? Maybe. Maybe until Christmas? Depends on how much I am willing to spend. It depends on alot. Good thing I have a phone conversation with my reproductive endocrinologist again. Laparoscopy is my next option due to the pain near my ovary. Hey…maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe I will get rid of something that’s been bothering me for years. I might not get a baby but maybe I will be pain free?
Oh well, we’ll see. Cycle Day 1 will begin soon.