I spent time with you today. It was the first time I can think of this pregnancy where I REALLY spent time with you. I had an extremely busy day, preparing meals for after you are here and I was super tired. Your daddy was so nice and drew me a bath. He helped to inspect my swelling and was just as surprised as I was that my legs were quite swollen from standing 12 hours making food.
He was so loving and drew me a nice warm bath. It smelled wonderful as he added some oils to keep my skin moist. After he drew the bath, he asked if I wanted candles. It was still sunny out so I opted not to have them. He then kissed me and left the room for me to relax, alone.
I turned on my pregnancy affirmations and listened to those. I repeated many of the affirmations out loud, especially the ones that talked about you being normal, pregnancy being normal, and giving birth easily and comfortably. I also repeat out loud that this is a new birth and a new baby! I need to repeat that one the most because it helps me to have less fear about our upcoming day.
Following the affirmations, I turned on some relaxing music. As I sat in the warm bath, I looked at my large, still growing belly. I could feel you moving around inside me but as I lay my hands on my belly, I could feel your body parts. I could feel your legs, your butt, your back, your knees, and your feet…all at different times but I could feel them. I watched as you rolled and kicked around, making waves not only on my belly, but in the water we sat in together as well.
I listened to the music and just took deep breaths. I began to imagine what you would look like outside my womb. I sent you love and affection and began massaging your body. You usually move away when I touch you but this time, it was different. This time, it felt like we were actually bonding. I began to wonder if you would like massages outside the womb.
We continued to listen to the music together, all the while, I breathed deeply so you could have lots of oxygen and just massaged my belly and your body. I would sweep over my belly and stop on a body part and slowly massage down and out. I imagined you closing your eyes and soaking in the touch. It felt so good for me. I also imagined all the positive hormones surging through my blood and into you. You and I were completely connected. I didn’t want to stop, even as the bath water got cold. So, I warmed up the bath water and went for a few minutes longer.
As our bonding session came to a close, I began to feel sad. I was sad that soon, this experience will be over. Soon, I will not have you safe in my womb. My belly will become flabby instead of being hard and full of life. You will be on the outside which brings great joy but also brings a tremendous fear of all that you will be exposed to. You, in the safety of my womb will no longer exist.
I am getting more and more excited as each day passes. I am counting down each day and I know that soon, we will get to meet each other in person. Your brother is wrought with excitement and tells you every day that he can’t wait to meet you. He wants to hold you, he wants to hold you in church, he wants to carry you with him as he receives the sacrament of the Eucharist. He is excited to show you off, as if you are the most prized possession in this world. You are still inside me and yet have huge shoes to fill.
You are my son, a beloved son. We can’t wait to meet you!