My cycles are very long. I used to not have cycles at all but Timmy somehow made my PCOS disappear and I became fertile six months after his birth. It took me nearly a year to decide I wanted another baby. After all, I swore Timmy would be my last.

In fact, I was so shocked that I had any desire or want for another baby that I sought the help of my therapist. Timmy was about eleven months old at the time and I just had this “urge” to have another. Apparently, this is a very normal urge especially for the stage of his life that Timmy was in.

Still, I wasn’t quite ready to make the plunge. Talks with my parents and other family members didn’t help either. We are getting old and that’s what so many people would tell us. Yes, the risks were scary. So we decided to meet with a geneticist to talk about those risks.

We learned we had a 98% chance of having a healthy, “normal” baby. That’s a pretty good chance. More than highly probable! We didn’t stop there though. Because our niece has a genetic translocation, we decided to have hubby’s DNA tested to ensure he didn’t have a translocation.

If he did, this news would be a game changer. If he didn’t, we would be taking the risk of this baby having a 2% chance of some sort of malformation/genetic disorder. My body loves to be a statistic but I had hoped this one wouldn’t come to fruition.

It took hubby several months to actually have the test completed but we tried once anyway. It was January and my body was ready. The last time my body was ready was in November; the time before that, September. Judging by how often my body was ovulating, I wouldn’t ovulate again until mid-March to early April.

If we wanted to have another baby while I was still 39, January would be our only chance. So we put everything into it and we prayed. I ovulated on January 12th but my period came before the end of the month.

I was devastated. “That was it,” I told my husband. Our dreams for another child are now gone. When we ovulate again, it will be in two months and then I will be 40 when this child is delivered. I really didn’t want that.

I began to change my mind about a child over the next few weeks. I thought about how nice it would be just to be the four of us. How great it was that Timmy was so mobile, fun, and becoming more independent. I thought about how hard it would be to have another and how long it would feel before we had some sort of freedom again. I thought about babysitting and how it’s so easy now and all the support we have because it’s really just one kid that needs babysitting.

So, after all this justification to help me grieve the loss of another child, I was extremely surprised to see signs of ovulation just two weeks following my period. I had NEVER had cycles that were “textbook normal.” Not once in my life did I ovulate regularly (before Timmy).

Over twenty-two years of infertility, medications, supplements, procedures, surgeries, shots, and thousands of dollars in treatments with only two living children to show of those effort. Timmy was a natural pregnancy though, only Joey was conceived using medication (thank God for that).

But here it was, plain as day, ovulation was impending. I was troubled by this. I didn’t know what to do or which way to go. I had just spent the last two weeks “reprogramming” my brain and family planning. I decided to leave it up to God. It’s really in His hands anyway.

Hubby and I did-the-deed (DTD in fertility talk). In two weeks, we would know. We had a spring break trip scheduled which would keep my mind off of everything and when I returned, it would be early, but I could test. And I did.

I was very excited when the test showed positive but I was also cautiously optimistic. That’s the price of pregnancy after a loss. I was at extreme peace though. The peace was so strong that I didn’t know what it meant.

I talked with hubby about this often. “I feel good. I feel at peace, but I don’t know if that peace is because on a subconscious level I feel positive we will bring this baby home, or if I am at peace because I have all the support measures in place if we don’t.”

It didn’t matter to me, I was just very happy not to be experiencing such strong anxiety this time. I chocked it up to having a healthy pregnancy with Timmy.


Day 1 - miscarriageI learned I was pregnant on a Friday morning. I was only about 10 or 11 days past ovulation but I was excited to test. I didn’t feel pregnant at all but who “feels” pregnant this early anyway.

I just wanted to know if I could get a positive test this early. I was so excited when the test actually was positive. I wanted to rush out and tell hubby right away but I also wanted to make this pregnancy announcement so special for him.

I had a massage scheduled for that morning. I had finally met a massage therapist who also does energy work and she was amazing. I didn’t want to miss this appointment. I knew that massage in early pregnancy was frowned upon but my muscles were really hurting and I needed an energy release.

I decided that after the appointment, I would go shopping for a “Big Brother” shirt for Timmy. I would put it on him when I walked in the door and let him prance around in the shirt until hubby noticed.

The massage was wonderful and didn’t last long enough (when do they ever?). Finding a shirt was a more difficult than I had anticipated. Four shops later and I finally found one the right size. I was so excited to get home I could barely contain myself.

Once in the door, Timmy was running around hubby. “This might be a bit challenging,” I thought to myself. I managed to get Timmy into the kitchen and I distracted hubby by asking some questions. I popped the shirt on Timmy and told him to go see daddy.

Timmy did as I asked but daddy didn’t even notice. Timmy came back to me shortly after. Several minutes later, hubby asked Timmy what he was wearing. “What is that you have on?” he asked.

I picked Timmy up and I said, “What, this?” And I pulled down the bottom of the shirt so the words BIG BROTHER would be revealed.

Hubby had a look of shock on his face. “Wait, what?!” he says.

I begin to smile.

He says, “You’re not serious are you? Is this a joke?”

I began to laugh, “No, it’s not a joke.”

Hubby smiled really big and says, “I don’t believe you.”

I told him I would show him the test and all three of us prance upstairs where I reveal the test to him.

He was shocked. He truly could not believe it. He was also very excited. It was only a week and a half ago that we tried to make this baby and here this baby was! Revealed to us but the Lord on a pregnancy test with two lines. It was our last-chance-to-have-a-baby-before-40, miracle. Due date? December 7, 2015. Just 19 days before my 40th birthday.

early pregnancy test

 Want to do something helpful? Donate to The Miscarriage App!

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage