I can still hear it. The music I used to listen to that reminded me of you. I downloaded it to my iPod and would plug in my ear phones to become lost in imagining your face, your smell, your smile. Held, by Natalie Grant.

I have blogged about that song a few times. It still brings comfort to me. I would listen to it over and over again. I had to put it on repeat. I would weep to that song. I lost you. I love you.

I was programming my mind to think of you when I would hear that song much like I programmed my mind to relax with certain songs during my recent labor and birth. Having Timmy doesn’t replace you. He reminds me of what I lost with you but most importantly, your loss has scarred me. I had been scared to love.

I know that’s dumb. I love him but I never want to go through that kind of pain again. Your memorial walk is coming up. It’s next week. I can’t wait to release balloons again. I really hope someone finds your balloon this year. I still miss you and love you my dear daughter.