Our first-born moved out in May. This was just about one month after my husband came home from a Catholic Men’s Conference in Oklahoma City and said, “We’re moving to Oklahoma!” This was one of the saddest parts about the move (before we actually moved). To recap, when my husband said we were moving, our son said, “I’m not moving to Oklahoma with you, I’m moving to Texas.” I honestly didn’t believe it.
Our son is seriously one of the most amazing people on earth. He has always been what we deemed a “unicorn child.” He was perfect from birth. We were so blessed by him. He was the baby that slept, who ate, who you almost never had to worry about, who never said, “I hate you,” (even in his teens), who was naturally obedient, and who loves us just as much or more than we love him. Don’t get me wrong, there certainly were issues we had to manage with him like back-talking and when he decided to assert his independence, but we came out loving each other versus hating each other. That is the true blessing.
So when he said he wasn’t coming with us, I was extremely disheartened. He tried to cheer me up by saying, “It’s only natural for me to move out on my own mom. This was going to happen eventually.” To which I replied, “I have been preparing for this day from the moment you were born but it’s still hard.” I had imagined him moving out when he got married, but I also never imagined we would move. So while what he said was true, gone were the dreams I had of seeing him sit in the pews with his fiancé. This also meant the images of him getting married in our home parish were gone. For what it’s worth, our parish is extremely beautiful. It’s one of THE most beautiful FSSP parishes in the US.
When my son chose Texas, we knew what part he would need to live in so he could continue to attend the Latin Mass, but little did we know, he already had chosen the area. Blessed again, he was moving to the area where the Latin Mass is said. Some have wondered, why Texas? Well, it only made sense for him because Texas is full of paintball opportunities. Not just the “fighting in the woods and around buildings,” kind of paintball. His paintball is called Speedball. It’s a very competitive game.
It didn’t take long for him to move. Honestly, I really thought it would take longer and I would have a bit longer with him, but from the moment he decided (based on how serious he thought we were on moving ourselves), to when he actually moved, was roughly one month. In that time, he researched five different Audi dealerships and interviewed at three. One hired him on the phone on the spot but he still wanted to go interview and choose the best place on criteria he had come up with. I was impressed with his criteria and he chose not based on the highest pay but who took care of their employees best during the COVID shutdown and would offer him good benefits as well as work with his paintball schedule. He is very serious about paintball.
Luck was on his side…or rather the Holy Spirit, because he was already slated to be in Texas and while there, he would interview and find an apartment (with some help from my older sister who used to live there). He found an FSSP church just 15 minutes from his apartment and about 40 min from his new paintball home. Within a week after he returned, we packed his things and he left.
As his mother, I was devastated to lose him. His siblings were heartbroken as well; yet this wasn’t a “I hate you so I’m leaving” departure. It was full of love for him and a joy that he would be on his own. He was both excited and nervous. I think we all were. When we finally moved, he made it out to visit the new home and was welcomed with so much love and joy.
It’s been months now since he’s been on his own. He has visited a few times and his siblings always cry with joy when he arrives home. It is instantly noisy from the moment he walks in our door, until he leaves. He is doing such a great job becoming a responsible adult and we are starting to get used to daily life without him. We look forward to his visits and pray for him every day.
Now I am learning how to parent an adult son who lives outside my home. I don’t want to be too involved or too needy. I also don’t want to be uninvolved and not needed. It’s a strange balance; which according to my son, I am balancing well. He feels loved and not smothered by me yet he also feels I am available when he needs me. I guess that’s the way this is supposed to be for now. How do you parent your single adult children who live outside your home and in another state? What advice would you give? How often should they be called? Do you wait for them to call? Share here!