Author, Blogger, Educator

Author: ElizabethPetrucelli (Page 1 of 21)

Police Work – Who Would Do The Job These Days

I want him out! Who wouldn’t want their spouse out?

Police officers talk with each other outside the apartment where suspect James Holmes lived in Aurora, Colorado July 21, 2012. A controlled explosion by a bomb squad on Saturday appears to have made it safe for police to enter the booby-trapped apartment of the man suspected in Friday’s mass shooting at a Denver-area movie theater, police said. Police were undertaking the delicate task of disabling what they described as sophisticated explosives at the Aurora, Colorado, apartment of suspect James Holmes, who officials believe booby trapped his home before killing 12 people and injuring more than 50 others at the theater early on Friday. REUTERS/Jeremy Papasso (UNITED STATES – Tags: CRIME LAW)

Police work used to be something people were proud of. Not just the families of the officers but citizens too. It used to be work you could share with others but now it must be hidden so families aren’t targeted. Police Officers are hunted now. They had been in the past so this isn’t new but it’s certainly new for our time (day and age).

Last night this came across an email. It was a private email prepping officers. Two Aurora Police Officers had warrants issued for their arrest for their performance of duties on a trespassing call. It was disturbing last night but today the news is much worse. The press conference is in an hour or so from when I wrote this.

It can always be worse and it likely will be. But there is something deeper in here when the first email came through. The implication before any of these extra details had come out, was that officers are being prosecuted for doing their job. AND, this will be the new norm.

As this story progresses, it doesn’t look that way but the shock of the last 12 plus hours is that officers need to be on the lookout as they serve their regular duties. And this is not something that officers are really prepared for. I know that doesn’t make much sense, especially to the younger population, who are social justice warriors and subscribe to defund the police (very dangerous by the way) and who have turned good into evil and evil into good.

The devil has certainly taken over here. It’s biblical. You were predicted to be this way. It’s quite dangerous and we pray that God will prevail. There is quite alot to unpack in all this but I’m trying to keep this short.

Police incidents like this seem to be very common. The news perpetuates it and they are no different than ambulance chasers. They just want clicks and likes and the next “story.” Many are without merit. This particular story hasn’t manifested enough for me to make any determination although if Haubert had been arrested previously, he should have been disqualified for hiring as a police officer.

Police officers sign up to be at risk of death. Wives worry and stress that every phone call will be THE ONE. Wives really struggle with this possibility and I will admit, it’s not something I have really worried about much. I don’t think that it’s because this is not a possibility for us. I don’t think it’s because I trust all the training my husband has, although he will tell you that when he first started I asked him to show me multiple times how fast he could draw his weapon.

I think I have just accepted this as a possibility or rather, a reality. I have planned his funeral and his eulogy. I never want to read it. I never want to see his children stand up to speak for their father. I never want any of it to happen, but I have prepared for it as best I can. What I have not prepared for, is for society to speak out against him. When I say him, I am referring to officers.

I have not prepared for the public to chastise him, to push legislation against him, to want to string him up for doing his job; a job which the public asked for and needs. A job that the federal government cannot provide although that’s the end result. Why oh why do you young people want the government to provide everything? Don’t you know they don’t really care about you?

When the State of Colorado approved legislation following the death of George Floyd, the legislation was against the police. It doesn’t protect the citizens from police officers like Chauvin. It restricted all officers, including the good ones. It has restricted their desire and ability to protect the public. A direct result of this has been an increase in crime and less people in jail. The restrictions keep coming. Evil good, good evil.

Is the ultimate goal to get rid of the police? It is happening within itself. It is becoming harder and harder to find people to do this job. It is becoming harder and harder to find GOOD, QUALITY candidates. Standards have been lowered. We’re running out of the “good” officers. It’s your fault.

Legislators are not interested in what really needs to be done. I contacted all of them last year when they were proposing the legislation on police reform. Only ONE responded and he never followed up with me. I begged them to talk with the officers, NOT management, who train officers and see the problems but these problems can’t be addressed BECAUSE of police management. Police MANAGEMENT IS THE PROBLEM!!

Hiring good employees costs money. Being unable to retain those employees costs money. Companies want a return on their investment. Well, that return on investment is coming out in law suits. Oh, but cities have funds set aside for that. Your loved one has a monetary number placed on them by MANY companies, not just cities. It’s the amount that will be paid out if the organization is somehow responsible in some way for the maiming and death of your loved one.

It’s true! It’s sick.

When I ran a hospital security program, I proposed that a large rug be removed from the hospital. It was a beautiful rug with the name of the hospital on it at the entry way of the facility. I asked for it to be removed because my responsibility was to ensure the safety of everyone that walked through those doors. That safety just didn’t mean crime but all kinds of safety, to include those who trip and fall on that rug. Many were tripping and falling on the edge of that rug.

One day, an elderly woman tripped, fell, broke her nose and hip. She was paid out. The rug would not be removed. “It’s too beautiful. We want it. We have funds to pay families for these kinds of events.”

Those are the words I was told. It’s so very disturbing. So when you want the higher ups to do something and to put these bandaid solutions on things, and you believe the government has your best interest in mind…THEY DON’T!

This happens in every company and organization; government or not.

When you want to really solve these issues and you really want to spend the money and take the risk involved, there are people who are ready. But that’s coming to a close. Those people are leaving and the corrupt will be left. I dread that day because you won’t recognize it.

Family Emergency Foster Care

At the beginning of this year, I was thrown into an emergency situation within my primary extended family (parents and my siblings). It was unexpected and out of the blue as many of these cases are and I found myself feeling lost and alone. Yet, when I posted in groups about certain needs I had, I found the situation to be common.

How could it be that there are so many people struggling through the same crises, yet it seemed so rare?

It is similar to miscarriage. We suffer through it in silence and we don’t share until someone else is in the same situation. I was so confused and disoriented and I searched for a book to help me. I had no idea when I would be freed from the obligation (so many dates were tossed about) so it was difficult to plan much of anything. So if you know someone going through this, one way to help is to bring a meal. My friend did and it was extremely helpful as we settled in.

I won’t go into the extreme details of our family crisis because what you might be enduring is likely very similar but here are a few things that helped me (entire family) and my sister get through the experience.

First, a brief synopsis. My estranged brother (estranged for roughly about 18 years), reached out. Most of the contact we had had in the last 18 years was turmoil for four years followed by 10 years of silence and another four years working through reconciliation and being kept at a distance. He reached out over the course of a few days where much was revealed and we learned his children were at an extreme risk. Someone was going to die or be killed if intervention didn’t take place. Yes, the situation was dire and he asked us (my sister and I) to intervene. He asked, we followed his instructions.

My sister and I hadn’t been talking for about six months, mostly because of a disagreement and no apology had been offered but when our brother reached out for help, we both instantly came together to help him. The disagreement disappeared as we both left our home states in a matter of hours to help our brother and his family. Over the course of six days, we learned many horrible things about the life he had been living and how distorted his own sense had become. His children were at risk and he turned both of them over to us. I took my nephew (13yrs) and my sister took my niece (10yrs).

Separation of the two seemed drastic but the situation demanded that both children should not be with each other. Because of how dangerous the situation was and how quickly things unfolded over six days, my sister and I had no real time to prepare our homes for such an arrangement. Only in our minds had we considered bringing home another child but we weren’t actually prepared for it.

  1. Sleeping arrangements
  2. Personal items and necessities
  3. School
  4. Therapy

I knew nothing about incorporating an older child into my home. All I wanted for him was a peaceful place to rest his head that felt safe. Our family did our best to do that. My 7yr old gave up his room for his cousin. I didn’t think this would be hard for my son but it ended up being a big issue as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months.

My nephew, who did not really know us and had been told his whole life that we hated him, could not get comfortable in that room. Nothing was really his so we did our best to help make the environment more “his.” He had brought a few personal items that were meaningful to him and we could put on display. I removed some of my son’s own things and tried to make the room less baby(ish) and more teen. That seemed to help because within a few hours, he seemed more relaxed and happy.

We wanted to ensure he had his own personal things so we took him shopping. We later learned he felt uncomfortable and unworthy of this but it was a gesture we believed would be helpful and not hurtful. I could not comprehend how this was making him uncomfortable and I had to come to terms with it and validate his feelings. We had to go slow and try to meet him where he was.

I sought help from my county social services/child welfare agency and while they could not help much (because he was here from out of state), I was put in touch with a specialist who offered some good resources and really, validation for what I was going through and how hard it can be. I also contacted my pastor.

We registered him for the public school after learning he had been failing most of his subjects at his last school and the recommendation from his principal was that he needed to attend in-person school instead of online classes. This was probably the easiest of all things. The paper my brother signed turning over custody for the time was all that was needed to get him enrolled. My sister on the other hand, had a more difficult time in her state and she needed court documents so she had to go to court and be granted guardianship. So this situation will vary state to state and probably county by county.

Therapy was another obstacle. My nephew had been through some very traumatic years but the final straw was something out of a True Crime documentary. He acted like nothing was wrong and that what he endured will not affect him but it was clear that the years of abuse and neglect he endured affected his entire way of thinking. His sister was in a similar situation and all of the experts involved knew this would take a lifetime to manage.

He needed trauma therapy so I set him up with what I thought would be the best kind of therapist. They were a forensic/trauma therapist who worked with teens but they did not have a collaborative approach, meaning, if he didn’t talk, there was no progress. They did not work with the parent or me (the guardian) at probing to get him to talk and open up about his experiences.

In discussing his case with the county social worker, she recommended attachment therapy. I found a collaborative therapist who specialized in teens and had multiple ways to encourage free thinking and sharing. He was God-sent. My nephew pushed back on him often but when he decided to open up, so much was revealed.

So if you are in the same situation, here’s my advice.

  1. Be kind to yourself
  2. You don’t have to be perfect
  3. A warm bed and a warm meal is enough
  4. They are not your children so your obligation to them isn’t the same
  5. You do not have to be a mother/father to them, be an advocate and an ally
  6. Your own children should not suffer
  7. You can’t save them all (lesson from my pastor)
  8. You’ll likely be the bad-guy/enemy in the end
  9. It’s for the children and only the children
  10. Get your own therapist!

My sister and I are now the outcasts in our family. Our help was turned against us and the rest of our family somehow believes that we were trying to take the kids away. We wanted what was best for them (two healthy parents) but it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things according to our family. The experts understood and tried their best. Some things could not be done because it was unethical to open Pandora’s box with such little time. Even the therapist said that this wasn’t something I could help with.

And finally, repeat to yourself, “this is for their good, not mine.” You’ll suffer in ways you never thought possible but there will be many good fruits through that suffering. Our family became closer. My 17yr old recognized how strong I am and how much of a good mother I have been to him. He would often say there is no way he could have done this. I have been blessed with much more patience. My husband became my ally and we drew closer together through the tough moments.

I could write a whole book on the entire experience. I’m not sure anyone would want to read it. What you read here is nothing of the real experience and only some of what I learned. It was terrifying at times, traumatic, extremely heartbreaking, and sad. You really see what your family is when you have a crisis. Sometimes it reveals the good but in our case, it revealed the bad and the worst in our “extended” family. It literally tore us apart and it’s likely unrepairable. That safety I had in my parents and siblings is gone and that brings immense grief.

Pope Francis and the Latin Mass

It’s all over the news. Pope Francis has begun the journey of attempting to destroy and remove the Traditional Latin Mass. If this had come out one year ago, I may have applauded the move like I have seen many Novus Ordo participants do recently but I would have done that out of ignorance and fear. I can hear some of my friends saying, “no, you wouldn’t have been applauding it, but you might not have fought against it.”

I know better now and I call myself a Zealot for the Latin Mass. How could the Mass of the Saints be abrogated? How could the Pope, with the brush of a pen or the push of a button, make the Traditional Latin Mass stop?

He can’t!

But he’s trying!

The purpose stated in the pope’s letter is to stop the division in the Catholic Church but anyone who has eyes can see that the pope isn’t bringing unity with this motu proprio. After all, as the meme above suggests, the Catholic church is divided and it’s getting worse. With the pope allowing priests like Father James Martin to continue causing scandal and confusion; while bishops silence priests like Father James Altman who speak the Truth; the Catholic Church is sinking. His letters also contradict each other. He doesn’t want the Latin Mass celebrated BUT the Bishops can decide, BUT, if you don’t attend Novus Ordo now, you’ve lost salvation. WHAT?

I won’t go into a theological debate on Vatican II. I’m not a theologian and I have barely scratched the surface on the knowledge needed to debate much of Catholicism; however, I do know that Vatican II Protestantized the Catholic Mass and the numbers of Catholics and Priests are dwindling. Why?

Well, I believe that much of our deposit of faith has been taken from us. I had no idea what I was missing in my faith by attending the Novus Ordo. Not all Novus Ordo Masses though are missing these elements but the parish I attended for over 15 years did dramatically change, erasing nearly every portion of reverence.

No Latin. No Greek. Less bowing. Hands being held up. Parishioners participating in nearly all aspects of the Mass. Adding Altar Girls. Music filling every moment of silence. No Organ. The addition of guitars and drums. The changing of the words at the Consecration. Lay people handling the Consecrated Eucharist! Adding whatever a priest feels called to in that moment. And if it couldn’t get any worse, preaching from the pulpit that God is merciful and that hell is empty.

If hell is empty, why confess? If God is merciful, why confess? God “knows what’s in my heart!” Salvation for everyone! It doesn’t work that way and never has. We have a wrathful God. Merciful yes…but one must ask. Which means one must recognize that they have sinned against Him and that they are not worthy of His mercy but God will give it if they ask. It’s not a birthright.

When lay people handle the Eucharist, it changes the way people think about the Eucharist. If THAT person can handle the Eucharist, it must not be the actual body, blood, soul and divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ, because I know what he does on the weekends. I know how sinful he/she is.

From the beginning of the Church, lay people did not touch the Eucharist (see the Apologies of Justin Martyr or CCC 1345). Why is it okay now? The Novus Ordo (New Order of the Ages), is only 56 years old. How old is the Mass of the Ages? Centuries!

People demand and expect to receive the Eucharist. If a priest preaches from the pulpit that you must be worthy when presenting yourself to receive our Lord, they get offended. This isn’t a right! You must be worthy. If you believe that the Eucharist is what Catholic’s believe it is, how on earth can you present yourself unworthily? Would you really walk up to Jesus himself and demand he give himself to you or would you fall to your knees because you are in the presence of God and that alone makes you feel unworthy?

When you attend the Traditional Latin Mass, you will immediately notice that the people there believe they are in the presence of God. They are on their knees the moment they walk through the doors, they are in the confession line that fills every wall of the church, they have their missals open in prayer, they are quite and focused towards Christ, they bow or kneel when Christ on the Crucifix processes in and bow or kneel when the priest (in persona Christi) processes behind the Crucifix, they are dressed modestly, and if Christ himself entered (which he does), they would fall to their knees (which they do).

There is no muttering or complaining when the priest preaches the virtues they should be seeking. They do not say, “how dare he!” when the priest tells them the gates to heaven are narrow. Instead, they understand that their priest (Father), loves them so much, they are willing to tell them such hard things in order to save them from the fire.

Hell is hot! Don’t go there!

Father Ed Buelt

There is much silence in the Latin Mass. There is no need to fill it. The Latin Mass has built in reverence. Without the reverence needed for the Eucharist inside the Mass, why would anyone believe in the Real Presence of the Lord within the Eucharist anyway?

I’m not saying that all Novus Ordo Masses are irreverent, although the one I attended for the last six years or so became progressively irreverent. I am pointing out there is a big difference in some Novus Ordo Masses but all Traditional Latin Masses are the same.

I can go to a Novus Ordo Mass down the street and the Mass will be completely different than the Novus Ordo Mass 20 miles away, and both of those Masses will be different than the next Mass 15 miles from the second. For instance, we went to a Novus Ordo Mass when we recently traveled to Florida. People clapped during that Mass (a no-no because Mass isn’t entertainment). At another parish down the street, there are kneelers for those who want to receive the Eucharist on their knees (how one should present themselves to the Sovereign Good).

With this much latitude (given at Vatican II), no wonder there is so much confusion in the laity. But what I don’t understand is why the pope doesn’t have an understanding of the Mass, especially the Latin Mass and the meaning of it. He himself stated that “the faithful would not assist as strangers and silent spectators in the mystery of faith, but, with a full understanding of the rites and prayers, would participate in the sacred action consciously, piously, and actively,” about the Latin Mass; as if those with their heads in the Missal, praying fervently, are just “strangers and silenced spectators.”

Father preached today that we should not be focused on what we can see with our own eyes. These are the “things of this world.” It sounds like the pope is focused on being able to see the people “active” in the Mass but that is not the way. A person does not need to read the readings in order to participate actively.

A final note as there is much more to be said about the pope’s letter but my vocation is calling me (dinner for my family needs to be made). There are traditional priests in the Novus Ordo. We had several as parochial vicars at my last parish. When we had a traditional priest, who preached truth and not fluff, the parishioners flocked to his Mass. They would literally change their Sunday routine in order to hear this priest. The pews emptied at the Masses where it was preached we all go to Heaven. This is the same reason people are flooding the Latin Mass Churches. If you think the Latin Mass is dying, you’re mistaken.

Do not fall into despair brothers and sisters, for that is what the Devil wants. The Devil wants to destroy all that is good and he is running rampant these days. He is clever and makes people feel good about what they are doing but it’s part of his evil plan. Evil is good and good is evil. The Devil has distorted everything and it’s why we feel like we are living in the Twilight Zone. Do not succumb to it. The Church WILL prevail.

Tradition will restore the Church!

Lex Orandi Lex Credendi!!

Traditional Latin Mass – Part Five

I’m returning to my Traditional Latin Mass series. In my last post, I stated I succumbed to the TLM (Traditional Latin Mass). That’s not really a nice way to say we left our parish and moved to another parish. I had a friend over and we talked extensively about why those who attend the New Mass seem so against attending TLM. As you can read, I was one of those people too but I also didn’t realize what the TLM was about nor did I know was Mass really is.

Somehow, my heart and mind were opened and I was curious. I won’t say that I purposefully sought this out because I didn’t. I knew that TLM was what my parents grew up with. They went through the changes in Vatican II when they were in their teens. In talking with my mother about it, her church just switched to the “New Mass.” She said she believes they just started substituting English for Latin and that no one questioned the New Mass, it was just accepted. “No one questioned the church’s teachings.” Even her parochial school didn’t question it. They just opened up the new missals and off they went.

Did they not understand what the Mass really was? Did they not realize what was being taken from them? It makes me so sad to see that the change happened so swiftly with no one questioning it. I had dinner with Father Nix last night and he said it was a two-week transition and the Latin Mass was over.

So that got me thinking when did the Latin Mass stop?

1963 – Latin Mass Banned following the Second Vatican Council

What the heck? How could the Latin Mass be banned and why? It was the Mass of the Saints. It was the Mass that had been utilized for centuries. So when did the Latin Mass begin? The Latin Mass Missal was finalized in 1570 by Pope Pius V.

This Mass is often referred to as the Mass of St. Pius V but just because it was formalized in 1570 with the issuance of Quo Primum an apostolic constitution; which by the way also correlates with the Reformation (or rather the church revolution), does not mean that was the “birth” of the Latin Rite. I point out the correlation with the Reformation because it’s extremely common for an event like this to trigger an official statement.

It happens often in Church history where we have been doing something for centuries and then the Vatican issues an official statement on the teaching or dogma. This takes decades or even longer but that doesn’t mean this wasn’t the Tradition or Culture of the Church prior. This is actually how you should read and understand the Bible. Why did Paul issue letters to the different cities? They were doing certain things so he preached to them and by the way ADMONISHED them based on their sins.

So my point is, it’s not like in 1570 the Church all of a sudden changed the Mass to the Latin Mass and that the Second Vatican Council brought us back to the “original Mass.” For all intents and purposes, the Latin Mass WAS the “original Mass” in the Roman Rite (there are other rites as I have previously stated).

Missale Romanum was a helpful read on the changes of the Second Vatican Council and warrants further study into what was “restored” but not so much what was “added” or “new” in the Mass. Learning about this isn’t easy. It’s an overwhelming study and I have barely cracked the “book” on this or rather the many books.

Summorum Pontificum was issued by Pope Benedict XVI and there is concern that the Latin Mass will again be banned when Pope Benedict dies; however, I cannot expand much more on the Mass. It’s beyond my knowledge, understanding, and education and it’s something I am still studying but you can read more on Quo Primum here.

And finally, I’ll again point you to Justin Martyr because his Apologies not only tell you what early Christianity was like (are you willing to die for what you believe as a Christian), but also what the Mass was like…only a “President” (presiding person aka priest) distributed the Eucharist for instance.

NEW YORK TIMES – October 16, 1984
Pope John Paul II Announces Limited Use of the Traditional Latin Mass – Now what?

Which one is right? I can’t tell you. I’m still on my journey but you are either to the point of “yeah, which one is right?” or “This lady is a traditionalist nut.” I’m not the latter but I will ask you to do something. Maybe you have never done it before or you do this regularly but I urge you to find an adoration chapel; one where you can sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and then ask God.

Be specific. “God, please open my heart. Help me to listen to you and to know you are speaking to me. Please God, reveal to me which is truth, the New Mass or the Traditional Latin Mass? I will open my heart to your Word.” Now it’s your turn to listen. I don’t know where God will lead you.

Peace be to you.

Bringing Baby Earthside & The Ridiculous Language Society Creates

I’m going to take a short break from the series of posts on the Latin Mass and turn towards my my popular post on this blog. I never in a million years would have suspected that blog post would bring so much traffic to my blog but it tells me so much about our world we live in. What Does it Mean to Bring a Baby “Earthside” and Why it’s Offensive is the most popular blog post having hundreds of thousands of visits since it was written in 2016.

I bet I would know so much more about why people are visiting that post if I turned on the comments but I turned commenting off after several months on that particular post because people just wanted to argue with me about why “earthside” is a fine term. It’s a “Mother Earth” term. I have news…there is no “thing” called Mother Earth. God created everything. Mother Earth is an idol. Ask any Pagan.

This is one of the most frustrating things about the English language besides how difficult it is to learn. I should know, I’m homeschooling my 2nd grader right now and all the “rules” he needs to learn but then don’t apply in “this” situation or “that” situation. This must be why Latin is easier to learn but also, it’s a dead language so there’s no adjusting it or changing the meaning of any of the words.

The English language not only manipulates the meaning of words but they add them…Google is a verb, not just a noun and that word didn’t exist when I was a child. It’s first known usage was in the year 2000. I actually thought it was more recent than 2000, considering I didn’t have a cell phone as I entered the new millennium.

I’ll be frank with you…LOL…that’s not a P.C. term to use so instead I will say I am going to be blunt and honest with you. I haven’t re-read my original post in order to write this one. The post is what it is and it’s still how I feel. Saying “bringing baby earthside” when announcing you’re in labor is offensive.

My two babies who died in my womb were earthside. My son is buried IN the ground so his physical body IS still earthside but his soul is not and I will meet him in eternity. Unfortunately, Ruby was destroyed with medical waste. She was likely burned up and tossed out but the physical form of her body likely touches this earth somewhere. “For dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return.” – Genesis 3:19 Douay-Rheims Version

As I write this, my spell check has red squiggly lines under earthside. Even the computer tells me this term doesn’t exist. Ah, but the “mother earthers” will continue to use it to describe some out of this world, celestial experience of bringing a baby from one’s earthly womb onto her earthly bosom. I suppose though, that her lack of faith in a supreme creator would manifest into paganism for we truly cannot reject that we have a creator be it God or some other pagan god. By the way, if we believe in pagan gods, you would also believe you are a slave to them since that would be the purpose of that god creating you.

Seriously though, you weren’t created by a pagan god. You, as well as my babies were created by God, in His image and likeness. All of us are created with a body and a soul. It’s not okay to deny this, although many do. Many also deny that Mother Earth is a pagan god. This is purely ignorant. It’s a lack of formation regarding your own personal dignity. I challenge you to become informed about where you come from.

I had to Google many things in order to write this post. Who is mother earth? I learned her name is Gaia. Who is the Supreme Creator? I learned that God is the Supreme Being. Who created humans? The first Google response told me that God created humans. Who created the Catholic Church? Google tells me that Jesus Christ founded the Catholic Church.

WOW! Google can tell me alot of things. I wonder how many people actually believe what Google says…oh wait…most everybody. So why do people have such little belief in their Creator, even when Google tells them so? I can’t answer that. Maybe one of you can?

I’m sure many of you Googled the term earthside and came upon my blog and oddly enough, Google says earthside means, “when on planet Earth.” So again, where are these babies if they are NOT earthside when they are in the womb? Is this about where their soul is? I took to Google and asked, “Where is the soul?”

Oddly, the first Google hit was from the National Institutes of Health which stated, “The soul or atman, credited with the ability to enliven the body, was located by ancient anatomists and philosophers in the lungs or heart, in the pineal gland (Descartes), and generally in the brain.” WOW! Fascinating. So if the soul is part of the human body, this would mean that even in the womb, the soul would be on earth. SHOCKING!

So why are people using the term, “I’m bringing my baby earthside” to describe going into labor and pushing the baby’s body out of their womb? Please, just call it what it is. Birth.

Birth = the start of life as a physically separate being.

Oxford dictionary

Blessed Mother

Finding a Church Home – Part Four

Prior to the pandemic, attending another church was easy. You just walked in but now many required sign-ups to go. Some super private as if you needed to be on an exclusive list. Even Easter Masses were not shared with the general public in order to push out the “C&E” Catholics (those that attend only on Christmas and Easter). How could the church do this? Why was the Archbishop allowing this? Church has always been for anyone and everyone. This was very divisive.

After feeling quite abandoned by our church, we decided to start attending the one that was close to our home. We had been driving 25 minutes to go to our parish for the last 15+ years but technically, it wasn’t our home parish. I checked the rules for the parish near our home and they had their sign up accessible online. It didn’t matter if you were registered there or if this was your first time. They were welcoming all!

Off we went. We walked in and they had holy water in their fonts and people could receive Holy Communion on the tongue. In fact, they had four kneelers present in the communion line to indicate who would receive on the tongue. The only ones who distributed Holy Communion were the priests and deacons. This felt reverent and seemed to have more of what we were looking for, except the progressive music.

We also had some friends that were on the “exclusive list” for the TLM and they were able to bring us. But before I asked for them to add us to the list, I needed to get past the prideful TLMers. I decided to reach out to a few friends who I knew had been attending TLM or had recently switched. One conversation did not go so well. The friendship almost ended. Part of that was on me and the feelings I had towards what she was sharing. That was something I needed to explore but I met with another friend who was loving and explained things really well. I felt confident I could at least go once and just see. Everyone explained I would have some “extraordinary” moment and I wouldn’t be able to go back to the Novus Ordo.

So I asked our friends to put us on the list and walk us through our first TLM as a family. I had been to a Latin Mass as a child but didn’t remember much of it so this was really a new experience for me as well. Our first TLM was on the first day of Advent, the beginning of the liturgical year. How fitting!

I want to tell you so badly about the “extraordinary” moment I had at the first TLM but nothing happened. In my experience, I felt alone and isolated. I felt farther from God than I ever had when attending Mass. I was overwhelmed with not knowing anything or any of the norms and I was distracted by an unruly child in the pew in front of me. I felt sad.

I didn’t really want to go back if that was how I was going to feel. I had finally been participating in a way I had never done before, singing, reciting, kneeling more fervently, praying more reverently, etc. Friends would tell me that those who attend the NO were so unholy, “but you’re not.” They would point out abuses and tell me that I was “a good one.” This was offensive. And then I am attending “their Mass” and I find myself questioning why they like it. They don’t do anything. There is really no participation at all…at least not externally.

What I didn’t realize though, with all that was going through my head, was just how much my family was experiencing. My oldest finally felt at home. My youngest was in awe and shock that Jesus was in a “castle” and how deserving and fitting it was that the Lord was being worshipped. My daughter was enthralled and finally quiet in the pew, plus, she asked to wear her veil for the first time (because most of the women wore veils). This was the norm I wanted her to see and this is what I wanted my children to know but I was empty inside. My husband also was uplifted and he felt we were finally in the right place. Shocking considering he was a Protestant convert (although most great Catholics are converts).

I reached out to a friend who was also a priest and told him how I was feeling. His response…”Give it two months.” While he is an NO priest, he’s traditional, often encouraging us to find a TLM. In fact, he just brought TLM to his own parish!

Despite the advice, we decided to go back to the church by our home. We felt that it might be the in between we needed. So we signed up again. We got seated in the front row this time and felt a bit awkward since we were still new there but we made it work. The Mass was horrific. The Missal Book for the readings was missing. No one could find it. Mass was stopped. There were several little issues but this one was huge. Right before Communion my husband leaned in and said, “I have been praying and asking if this is the right church for us and for a sign that we needed to be here and this is a sign telling us otherwise.”

He was right. Now where do we go?

I succumbed to the TLM.

What Church Do I Belong To? – Part Three

Our Traditional Latin Mass journey began in Part One with the heavy grief we were carrying from our parish. We had to officially close the doors to our parish when I emailed the religious education teacher telling her we were removing our son from his sacramental preparation classes there. He was mid-year already and he would be starting over at the new parish but this felt right.

I really wanted to leave quietly. I didn’t want to leave at all actually but if I had to, I wanted it to be quietly. Once that email was sent, it triggered a chain of events and I had to come clean. Many emails and calls began once they heard we were leaving.

We weren’t attending that church anymore.

Saying it hurts my heart. I stuck with our church through some really tough changes. Friends begged me to leave because they felt I was missing something. I felt called to stay. I prayed in front of the Blessed Sacrament off and on for years asking if it was time to leave, all the while, the message was the same…STAY.

Until the message changed…

I received a call from the Religious Education Director, whom I adore and love. It hurt to tell her that our son would receive the Sacrament of Penance at another church. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving the new community we have at our new parish but that doesn’t overshadow the very real grief I have in leaving the church that put me on a journey to really learning my faith.

I grew so much in the 16 years we were there. I went from being a mediocre Catholic that attended Mass when I felt like it to veiling and kneeling to receive the Eucharist on the tongue. I went from being scared of priests to inviting them into my home for breakfasts and dinners. I went from not participating in ministries to revamping one completely and helping to create a ministry that didn’t exist there. And then I met a very special person who planted the seed to start a women’s conference in Denver and the Catholic Women’s Conference of Denver was born.

I really grew at the parish even as things changed and I wanted to stand by it but as progressive music and guitars came in, I felt lost. Then Advent and Lent came and went with no Latin. It was the only time of the year I ever got to hear it and I missed that ancient piece in the liturgy and didn’t even realize how much I was truly missing. None of the liturgy was sung after COVID hit either which further contributed to feeling lost.

My very dear friend who helped me start the women’s conference had already left our parish for the Latin Rite. She spoke of it often and encouraged me to try it but I rejected the notion. I was a “lifer” at this church and I would die going here. I had heard of Traditional Latin Mass (TLM) and knew of one other person that was going there.

But most of those who attended TLM seemed talked poorly of those who didn’t. It was confusing and I struggled. Talks on Catholic Radio even discussed how Novus Ordo (NO) was a bad word and you are “not Catholic” if you attended the NO. It was sad to hear I wasn’t considered Catholic if I didn’t attend the Latin Mass. I certainly didn’t want to experience the isolation and shunning this priest describes.

I couldn’t understand how anyone could look down on someone who attends NO and believe TLM is the only way to go. It seemed prideful and I knew that was a sin so I didn’t want to be a part of that. I didn’t want to be sucked into what I felt was a “cult.” Soon my social media feed was full of people speaking poorly of those who attend NO.

TLM was a turn off and even though many friends were trying to tell me all that I was missing, in reality they were pushing me away. I know their comments were well meaning but they didn’t lead me to leave the NO. I knew that something wasn’t right where I was going but I didn’t know what I needed or how to fix it. Talking with my priest fell on deaf ears. I was still questioning the validity of the Mass and this wasn’t about NO or TLM. It seemed much smaller than that.

As the president of the Catholic Women’s Conference of Denver, I had many choices to make in terms of the annual conference. Many friends help me and I don’t like to say I am the president because the women who help me with the conference are just as important (if not more), than measly old me. But this was also an area where I saw some issues. Even within our own group, we had push back about being traditional.

Our spiritual director had been trying to guide us into a more traditional form of Mass and feedback received from attendees was negative towards the traditional parts he brought the conference. But I was also feeling that certain things weren’t traditional. Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and Altar Girls were areas I was struggling with for years.

My oldest son walked away from being an Altar Server because of the girls. He grew up seeing them serve. He didn’t know there was any other way. He didn’t know the tradition either but he himself felt like altar serving was a role reserved for boys only. My son explained that he felt the girls he served with were domineering. He didn’t like that so he stepped down. It was sad.

I didn’t have a daughter until three years ago. I was looking for preschools for her to attend when she turned two. Many of the schools were protestant churches. One in particular, we had to turn away from. There was a female “minister there.” I could not allow my daughter to witness this. I did not want her to think that this was something she could aspire to.

Regardless of your feelings about women pastors/ministers, respect mine please. I don’t think we (women) should be filling that role. You probably think they should. If women want to serve in a religious role, there is an opportunity for them. Unfortunately, we don’t see Sisters often enough but many opened our first schools and hospitals so you can thank a Sister (and the Catholic Church) for that.

Several hundred women attend our women’s conference annually. We always get feedback that the women want a Sister to speak or for them to be present. When we do have them at the conference, it’s truly amazing but this just shows how much women want to see Religious Sisters. We are moved when we do.

But I’ll return back to the Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion because I was struggling with having a lay person do this. It’s actually an abuse to have them do this and that is what I found to be true in my research. A priest and deacon should be the ones to distribute Holy Communion. We don’t need, nor should we have lay people to do this. What we need is patience. So what if Mass is 5-10 min longer? What’s your rush?

If I knelt down to receive the Blessed Sacrament, some would role their eyes. If I received on the tongue, some struggled to distribute it that way and of course, when COVID hit, many priests refused to distribute the Eucharist on anyone’s tongue. If you firmly believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ…are you actually worthy to be touching Him? I wouldn’t be. I’m sure we can question whether or not some of our priests or deacons are worthy but that’s not the discussion of today.

There would be no way I could convince my pastor to stop having Altar Girls and he definitely wouldn’t stop Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion. He wanted drums and guitars in the church and said as much when I challenged him on this. It’s okay. I will be obedient. He’s the pastor.

So it wasn’t just these things that pushed me away. Something was burning in my heart. I wanted to know more. I wanted to find out what the Early Christians thought and did. I wanted to know the roots of the Mass. I needed to know and understand. Biblical School really helped with that because I could see the Mass between the pages of the Bible. Book after book, the Mass was there.

Then, I found The Apologies of Justin Martyr.

What’s Wrong With My Catholic Church? – Part Two

Novus Ordo, TLM, SSPX, FSSP, Sedevacantist – What do all these mean? These are Catholic terms and terms I had not heard until my 40’s despite being born and raised Catholic. Aren’t all Catholic’s the same? Isn’t it the Universal Church? Isn’t Catholicism the progression of Judaism? Catholicism is an ancient religion that has been around for more than 2000 years? But it’s been corrupted and reformed. Yes, it’s been reformed despite so many of you thinking it’s outdated.

The Augustinian Church in Wurzburg Germany

Look how this church in Germany has been “reformed.” It’s basically been destroyed. This is not what a Catholic church should look like. I wonder what the Mass is like here?

I heard the term SSPX in 2016. I served a Catholic family who sadly lost their baby. In talking with the family, SSPX was identified as part of their faith. Most specifically, when I discussed babies going to heaven and becoming saints that pray for them, I was informed they did not believe that and they believed their baby to be in limbo (it’s a 3 part series by the way). I am familiar with limbo and this certainly brought me to books and study but for me, limbo was no source of comfort for the babies I had lost.

But this term pushed me to study more about my faith and I learned about “sects” of Catholicism: SSPX and FSSP to be exact. There are more but I’m going to talk about these two. What I learned about SSPX immediately pushed me away. I could not get on board with priests and a bishop that would not follow Rome. I knew about the Baltimore Catechism. I knew there was something big that happened with Vatican II (do you even know what it was) but I was unaware of the complexities. I would be drawn farther into learning more.

FSSP was in line with Rome but I knew little about it. At the time, SSPX had a website that had their own documents on it, their own Bible, etc. It was like a cult. I vowed to stay away from them. Then I opened up the Baltimore Catechism and read about limbo. It did not bring peace. Then I watched videos on limbo and while it opened my eyes to a broader understanding, it did not bring relief about my dead, unbaptized children.

I did not pursue any information on FSSP but this is about the time I began praying to be able to attend Biblical School. I was soon expecting a baby and I figured I would not be able to go to Biblical School as a new mother of three and the expense was also an issue. I knew though, that if God wanted this for me, He would provide the way and of course, if I prayed specifically for it, I would be granted the ability to go.

A year after my baby was born, God granted me the ability to go to Biblical School and on day one, my eyes were opened. Here is what I shared with my Year One instructor as I drove home from the first day of Biblical School.

Thank you for your class today. It was fantastic. You probably get messages often about how CBS changes people so I am sure what I am about to say isn’t new but I want to share it anyway. I have been a Catholic since birth. I attended CCD my entire childhood. I completed the sacraments but left the Church after high school. I was called back when I met my husband in the Marines, a non-Catholic who believes he met me because God was calling him home to the Church. He converted in 2003. We have only grown in our faith over the last 20 years but more recently in the last 8 years. 

I manage the Catholic Women’s Conference of Denver and I am nearly ashamed to say it because I am strong in my faith and am not a good apologetic (although I am learning). I *should* know more and I have been told that I shouldn’t manage the organization (not by our group but outsiders) because I am not “Catholic enough.” Most recently, I heard that same phrase from a priest friend of mine and that was a catalyst to signing up for CBS a few weeks ago. 

I knew I would learn about the Bible and I was excited and anxious to actually study the Bible but I did NOT expect to have such an experience on my first day. My brain is full right now processing all you shared today and I just want to know more but as I drove out of the parking lot, a profound sadness came over me. I cried. 

I cried because I didn’t realize how much of a gift the Bible was. I cried because I have never actually read the Bible because I was always trying to read it like a novel. I cried because I felt like I failed God in something so simple, reading the Truth. I know he loves me and I swear I heard him in the car say, “It’s okay child, you know now.”

The Ah-Ha moment was talked about on prayer day but I don’t even consider this an Ah-Ha moment. This was different. This was God SHOWING me the home, not calling me there. I have been living in the house but not really understanding what is in the house. The house is full of His love but not in the sense that we humans feel it or believe it to be. 

Thank you for today. Thank you so much for this opportunity! I can’t wait to read and learn more!”

I could not believe that the Bible contained so much about Catholicism!! How is it that I did not know?! I felt sad and ashamed. I felt like so much had been taken from me. I should have known and I didn’t. I would learn so much over the next three years. It’s a four year program and year three is just about over but I know so much more now. In fact, my heart hurts for so many of you. The truth is out there and so many do not know how to interpret it. If you only knew your Jewish roots, you’d be Catholic, not Protestant.

What more would I find out on this journey of grief? What was wrong at my parish? I never thought or considered I would find something wrong…

Grief over the Catholic Church – Part One

For the past year, I have been deep in grief over the Catholic church. Many people think it’s due to the abuse scandals but it’s not. Of course, those scandals hurt and cause persecution against me but my grief is much deeper. I have also seen conspiracy after conspiracy regarding priests and bishops and this causes some grief as well but what really brought grief was when churches shut down as if the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass were optional. Never in the history of the Church, has the Church shut down. Think about that, even during some of the most horrible viruses and diseases, Mass didn’t stop. Are our priests and bishops becoming too worldly that they are scared and do not understand their mission? Have they too decided that Mass is optional?

Heck, now I see priests and bishops holding the Sacraments hostage! You can’t go to Mass or Confession without receiving the COVID vaccine in some places! Even parishioners are being kicked out for not wearing masks! It’s parishioner against parishioner! Brother against Brother…sound biblical??

COVID-19 certainly pushed me over the edge. I never doubted the virus. I never believed it was a hoax and when I caught it, I was basically given a death sentence but I was already standing on the edge of “is this Mass valid?” The answer is yes, but why would I question the validity of the Mass? When the Catholic Church closed it’s doors because of the pandemic, I began to wonder. The Church had never closed doors, not ever in my lifetime. Not even through H1N1. I have read that even in times of pandemics and plagues, the doors were never closed. Overnight, literally, we were shut off from God’s Word and the Sacraments. Things that were ingrained into me that could never be taken away and that I must partake, plus, they were needed for Salvation (because I am a sinner). It’s sad to know I took the Sacraments for granted. I didn’t realize there was a possibility they could be taken away.

Good and holy priests were being threatened for offering Sacraments and all I wanted was our priest to stand up to the tyranny as well. Why weren’t all priests willing to die for their flock? It didn’t make sense to me at all and I think that’s where the feelings of abandonment came in. I had been feeling unheard and unsupported but when the doors to our parish closed so much went with it.

Before COVID-19 hit, our parish began going through a bunch of priests in a very short period of time. I questioned why our thriving parish was experiencing such turmoil and I wanted to see it through; however, priests filling in when the doors had reopened were saying odd things. I began to notice some major differences in the liturgy. One priest in particular, caused me great confusion. He would say, “Jesus, the Christ” right before the Great Amen in the Doxology. That same priest was idolizing a COVID vaccine, telling parishioners that life would never be normal without it and the way he presented it was that his faith was in humans creating a vaccine rather than our Creator!

I’m not extremely holy. I sin on a daily basis (we all do by the way, you just don’t recognize it). I’m not saying any of this because I want you to feel bad or want you to feel like you need to take the measures we did. I am being raw and open to you. Don’t put me on a pedestal as a Christian, I’m just like you. I sin.

I’m a third year student in Catholic Biblical School but the school doesn’t specifically teach anything about the new Mass or the “old.” Instead, your eyes are opened to what the Bible actually says and you see the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass jump out from the pages in both the Old Testament and the New. From there, I must have received graces from God to want to learn more about the Mass because I began to study it. Why was our visiting priest saying, “Jesus, the Christ,” when no other priest placed “the” in that prayer. For those who don’t think changing one word makes a difference, it does. One word change can nullify a Sacrament. “I” baptize thee is valid. “We” baptize thee is not. So was the Mass this priest was celebrating valid?

I would find myself on a journey to find out. I began researching and the research would take me on a journey that would lead me away from the parish I loved. It would lead me away from the only parish my children knew and received their sacraments in. It would lead me away from the parish school which helped my oldest son fall in love with his Catholic faith and strive to serve God. This would not be an easy journey and it’s not over yet.

I know this series won’t be about miscarriage or stillbirth but I encourage you to follow me on my journey. It’s one of hope!

IVF and Infertility – One Catholic’s Thoughts

Most people don’t know my procreative history. Many just assume we contracepted after having our first and then as our marriage progressed, pulled the pill or condom (figuratively speaking) and decided to have more children later in life. First, it’s really know one’s business but I do get the random looks and “judgment,” when I mention the spacing of my children. In fact, my husband even had someone assume his first child was from a separate marriage and the two youngest were from his current marriage. This made my physically sick to my stomach.

If you have followed my blog; you would know about my fertility history so if you are reading for the first time, welcome. I am pretty complex and my blog spans many years so you will see growth and changes in me especially in regards to my Catholic faith. What I am about to share is not judgment; although my statements will upset many. The truth is sometimes very hard to hear sometimes. These messages come from a place of love though. I want you to be in God’s grace. To be anywhere else is to not live.

I am a Catholic and I do not believe in IVF. I also suffered through 22 years of infertility (onset of menses through age 37). I procreate, I do not reproduce. Let me explain. Humans procreate, only animals reproduce.

I do not judge a person who uses IVF, that’s up to God but a person who uses IVF, regardless of why they are using it, is participating in an intrinsically evil act. I know at this point, many people are boiling over with anger against what I have written. I just said that IVF is intrinsically evil.

Creating new life is not usually associated with evil but it can be; if we do not surrender to God’s Will for us. IVF kills multiple embryos (babies) in order to get just a few “good” babies. IVF contributes to other evils such as “perfect babies” by utilizing techniques you are told will help increase your chances of having a non-disabled, good DNA, smart child. These techniques are also cooperation in evil under the guise of good. It’s part of the Great Reset (which is no longer a conspiracy theory because it’s out in the open now). So many who use IVF are tricked into utilizing these techniques. Why do we have such a lack of faith? Why do we think we can create a more perfect person than our Creator? It’s the fruit in the garden and the Devil has led you there.

IVF is one of many evils and God allows evil. This is one of the major confusions about faith in God. We are on Earth and we reject God because bad things happen but we must remember, this isn’t Heaven. Bad things happen here but if we are graced with Heaven, no bad things will happen.

Ultimately, the people who choose IVF will have to face God’s judgment over their lack of trust. Do you know what happened to people in the Old Testament for their lack of trust in God? Well, Moses got angry and hit a rock instead of speaking to it and God punished him by never allowing him into the promised land. All he did was hit a rock! Moses did some very amazing things yet despite all he endured for God, he lacked trust and was exiled from the promised land.

Look what happened to Abram and Sarai! God told Abram that he would have descendants. Many of them “descendants as the dust of earth; so that if one can count the dust of the earth, your descendants also can be counted.” (Gen 13:16) And Abram complained that he was childless so God made a covenant with him. “Look toward heaven and number the stars, if you are able to number them. So shall your descendants be.” (Gen 15:5) Did you know it was daylight when Abram was told to “number the stars?”

And then what happens? We’re not sure how much time had passed (maybe decades) but still childless, Abram loses his trust and faith that God will provide and takes matters into his own hands when Sarai suggests Hagar is the solution to their childlessness. Hagar represents IVF here (my words, not anothers). Hagar represents the lack of trust and a child is conceived without ever asking God if this is the path they should take to have a child. God allowed it, despite the evils of adultery. Four years after this sin, God establishes a new covenant (circumcision).

I know it hurts to hear that a person who chooses IVF lacks trust in God. It hurts me when I am told I lack trust in God because I had genetic testing during my pregnancy. There are many things that hurt but ultimately, the hurt is coming from within me because it’s true. Because I DO need to have a deeper faith and trust in God.

I didn’t choose for my children to be 10 and 14 years apart. God chose that for me. I wanted my first baby at age 23 but that’s not what God wanted for me. I endured intense suffering personally, professionally, and within my marriage. I told my husband numerous times during our infertility journey to divorce me and go find a wife that could give him the children he deserves and desires. I almost lost my job because I was so extremely hormonal, filled with medicines to force my body to ovulate and obsessed (1 step closer to possession by the devil) to have a baby. I demanded it! I was “good” and God better give me the child I deserve!

I sought fertility treatments from family practice doctors, Obstetricians, Infertility Specialists, Reproductive Endocrinologists, Chiropractors, Acupuncturists, Massage Therapists, Mayan Abdominal Massage practitioners, naturopaths, Chinese Herbalists, and other non-traditional/Eastern medicine practitioners.

Oddly enough, what you don’t see in that list and most people wouldn’t even notice, is I did not seek God. I did not seek an anointing of the sick. I didn’t even go to my priest for prayers or guidance. Sure, I prayed, “God please bless us with a baby,” but I didn’t say any specific prayers, seek intercession from the many saints who could have helped me endure the suffering, or even spend time in adoration/strict prayer for my healing.

Instead, I sought help from the secular world. So, I had little “faith” in God.

Sure, my faith wasn’t as strong as it is now. My knowledge of my faith was not even close to what it is now. I wasn’t practicing my faith either with as much zeal as I do now. I can say that I was “Catholic” only by name but not really Catholic. I wasn’t living (nor trying) to live my faith. I was a Catholic hypocrite.

It takes an immense amount of trust to live as God has asked us to but oh … the rewards that come from it.

Elizabeth Petrucelli

Suffering is NOT easy. We went through three and a half years of trying to have a baby before we conceived our first. Yes, we sinned. Some priests wrongly told us we did not sin but we did. We used IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) in order to conceive. We do not know if it was the IUI that actually brought us to conception or the “baby dancing” but we know that on our 5th try with the IUI, we conceived.

You see, with IUI, you still have sex. So we were still trying despite being “inseminated.” Where was the sin? We removed my husbands semen through illicit means, placed it in a tube, washed it, and then injected it through my cervix into the uterus to give the sperm a better chance of survival. Yes, a priest actually said it wasn’t a sin to masturbate into a cup and inseminate me. Sorry to be so blunt but this priest was wrong. It WAS a sin even though the “act” still occurred and conception occurred within my body versus outside the body like IVF.

Infertility hurts though. It’s suffering and no one likes to suffer. We do everything we can these days to prevent any sort of suffering. We have dumbed down our population because we are doing everything we can to stop the suffering. Even the minor suffering. It’s like no one has the skills anymore to hold off on eating for a few hours because they might “suffer” or rather, allow ourselves to be uncomfortable for a short time.

FYI: It’s okay to be uncomfortable and it’s okay to suffer, even if it’s hard. Yes, it’s sucks. We have all experienced some form of suffering. Through suffering, great good can come. It affords others the opportunity to help as well. Did I enjoy the three and a half years of the trials I went through in order to have my first? Absolutely not! Did I think, “this suffering will lead to others helping and provide me with graces later?” Absolutely not!

After we had our first, we spent six years trying for another. We went heavy into every alternative therapy there was. With our first, we only went to an OB, an infertility specialist, and then finally a reproductive endocrinologist. All the alternative stuff was done during the next six years in addition to the regular treatments.

It would have been easy to choose IVF. We could have started a “Go Fund Me” or participated in contests to “win” an IVF treatment but we didn’t. I seemed to have tried everything on my own, again, not turning to my faith or my priests. I prayed but not deeply. I didn’t turn to God. I suffered without the Saints. I tried longer than most do before putting it into human hands and forcing a baby.

I know, that’s a hurtful statement. But we aren’t guaranteed a child. We cannot demand God give us one.

After six years, we stopped treatments. I was tired and we accepted that God gave us one blessing. I moved on to something else in my life and just as I had truly accepted our only child and all the judgment that had come with him (how can you be pro-life/Catholic and only have one child?), I peed on a stick and it was positive. I was pregnant!

If you read my book All That is Seen and Unseen; A Journey Through a First Trimester Miscarriage, you would know that story. You would know that I was pissed off that I was pregnant. I was angry. This child that I should have been so grateful for was a source of anger in my life. While it was short-lived, it was still there and I was certainly shameful for having those feelings.

Ruby died.

That was her name. She didn’t survive and her loss changed my life forever. I became an advocate for pregnancy loss. Losses in the first trimester meant nothing to society but the grief is real and is now much more accepted.

That was in 2010 and it was a catalyst to try to have another baby. It would take two more years to conceive. I gave myself a “drop-dead” date for stopping. December 31st, 2012. If we weren’t pregnant by then, we would stop all treatments and again, accept that we would only have one living child.

My last ditch effort was a laparoscopy. Again, still not turning to my faith; which is inherently fruitful, I asked my reproductive endocrinologist to take a look inside, to make sure that we hadn’t missed something. By now, my husbands sperm count was lower than it ever had been. Again, seeking information through illicit means. See, I am a sinner. But we didn’t have the knowledge to know there were licit ways to gather the same information. We knew it was wrong but we did it anyway (mortal sin) because we didn’t know there was another way.

I digress.

My insides were fine. The medication I was using would allow me to ovulate so after I recovered from the surgery, I could move forward. To our surprise, I ovulated on my own on our first child’s ninth birthday, just two weeks post surgery and we conceived.

Born nearly 10 years apart, we would have a second living child. If we wanted another before my 40th birthday, we would need to conceive pretty quickly. How silly to put a date on it, as if having a baby in my 40’s was awful. My grandparents did it. But the secular world had a hold on me. The doctors would say I was old, friends and family would say, “aren’t you worried you will have a child with Down Syndrome or some other ‘problem’,” and friends our age were sending their kids off to college not bringing new kids into their home.

It was a struggle to shake those thoughts and feelings and place my faith in God but we did. We turned to prayer and pastoral support. We began to volunteer in the Church, put our son in catholic school, never missed Mass (even on Holy Days), prayed more rosaries, and prepared couples for marriage. I was ready to dive into treatments but I began to ovulate regularly six months after our second living was born. That was odd and a blessing but I was also deep in postpartum depression. So we waited.

After months of therapy, all was good and I was ready to try again and we conceived easily. Augustus Jude died though and after his death, we were “done.” I say that as if I was in control. I wasn’t. Nor are you. God is.

I began to have regular cycles again and NFP had become a struggle. We had never had to avoid pregnancy in our entire married life. I know I blogged about this numerous times. So here we were, in our 40’s learning how to control our “urges, something that should have been mastered in our “mature” age.

I know I blogged about what came next, or rather who came next so I won’t bore you with the repeat story but another baby was on the way. God’s design, God’s plan. Not mine. In fact, I had just contemplated abortion should I become pregnant this late in life; another societal/secular influence on me based on me wanting to be in control, not God.

But God loved me anyway and he softened my heart. Would I have done it? I don’t know. I am ashamed to admit that I considered it. I am ashamed to admit that I wished her (Baby Girl) away. But that’s as far as it goes because this girl is the greatest blessing of my life. Sure, all my kids are blessings but she was my fiat. I HAD to submit to His will.

Let me tell you something, I am no saint. I am a sinner. I fail all the time at trusting God. Sharing this with you is NOT casting judgment. I will be judged for not placing my faith and trust in him. I will be judged for “demanding” a child.

I don’t have an answer to your suffering. You may never look back after you have demanded a child and regret it or wonder what would have happened if you had just waited. Waiting is hard. It is not easy to give in to the suffering and acceptance. People do it though. It’s possible.

We are all sinners. God knows that. But have you asked for forgiveness for your faithlessness, for your lack of trust in Him? I don’t know if you have sat in that confessional and said, “Lord, I beg your forgiveness for taking your power of creation into my hands and not trusting in your plans for me by using treatments that go against your design.” It’s hard to say that.

I remember going into the confessional and saying, “Lord, forgive me for not being open to life by using a condom and resisting your plans for us.” Sounds silly, but it was HARD! I sin, just like you. I will be judged, just like you. I will have to suffer the reparations, just like you. Where do we make reparations? In purgatory.

I am not better than you for not choosing IVF. I know your suffering on an intimate level. I didn’t choose IVF because we knew it wasn’t for us . On a deep level, we knew it was wrong. That’s why so many who use it get defensive. They too, know it was wrong. Sure, a beautiful and amazing child came from it. God allowed that child but the means to bring that child here was wrong. The means we used to conceive our first was wrong. I have confessed it but I still feel some shame even though God has forgiven me.

And imagine for a moment what that child will grow up to believe. A child bought and paid for, exploited from conception. “I feel that donor conception is a trade in human beings and very few people consider the effects it has on a child.” – From a child

There are so many biblical women who struggled with infertility and so many couples who took their childlessness into their own hands and forced a child anyway (through a concubine or maidservant). That never went well for them nor the child. Curses abound. Bad things happened but we don’t equate those bad things to the sin, at least I didn’t until I began to study scripture. God doesn’t punish like that anymore. His mercy endures forever and we should be focused on his mercy.

Jesus died on the cross for you so that you could find eternal life in him through reconciliation. He wants us to say sorry for the wrong, not “oh well, everyone else is doing it,” or “I have been good so I deserve a baby.”

And by the way, it’s a sin to lead others to sin. If you’ve had IVF and you say, “well, I did it,” that’s scandal. Others will see it and think, “well, she’s Catholic and did it so I guess it’s okay.” Scandal. Sin.

Sin leads to death.

We must try not to sin and lead others into sin.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

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