Last July I was assisting with an event at my church, when a friend mentioned in passing that she had heard it was easy for demons to possess people. I knew this of course, but I listened to what she had to say. People become possessed through little ways and they don’t even have to ask a demon to possess them, yet many do.
I am not a theologian so I am merely sharing a conversation and my own thoughts. Please do not take this as theologically correct, it’s not.
My friend then said, “What if we asked God to possess us?” Who better than to have God himself possess our body and soul? It made some sense in the moment and while I have offered myself to God and asked Him to help me to only do His Will, I had never asked God to possess me. So in that moment, I did. What would happen in the coming months was astonishing.
NFP and Abstinence
Rewind to 2017, after the birth of our daughter, we began utilizing NFP and abstinence. This was after much discernment and discussion with our priests. My older age and two near death medical experiences, seemed like a serious reason to use NFP and abstinence. After about three years, we slowly began to ask God to do His Will for us with our fertility.
We decided that our periods of abstinence had become a huge burden on our married life and it was time to stop. God would drive the forces that brought us together. Once we did this, the fears of my death or of a disabled child disappeared. The chance of conception at my age is very low but it’s not zero. We knew it was still possible as I was ovulating every 14 days. If you don’t know my fertility history, I was infertile for 22 years. It wasn’t until I was 38 that my body decided to ovulate regularly.
Imagine having never practiced NFP or experiencing regular menstrual cycles until you were almost 40 years old! My cycles only became more and more regular as I aged. I went from 40-60 day cycles between 38-40 to clockwork 28 day cycles by age 44. This certainly made predicting ovulation easy. If I wanted to conceive, I should have been easily able to time intercourse with ovulation for the best chances.
We weren’t trying to conceive and at this point, we just wanted to “go with the flow” and come together when we felt the desire. So we did. Some months this would happen during ovulation, some months it didn’t. Some months we didn’t come together at all but we both knew that God was in control of this area of our lives and we were content.
Chance of Conception
When a woman is under 30, she has about a 20-25% chance of conceiving during each ovulatory cycle. I didn’t have an ovulatory cycle when I was under 30 so it was nearly impossible to become pregnant; however, I had eggs so I was able to stimulate them with medication and forced ovulation; which is eventually how I became pregnant at age 28.
A woman aged 30-35 has about a 20% chance of conceiving with each ovulatory cycle. I ovulated a few times between ages 30-35 and I conceived once but that ended in a miscarriage. Between the ages of 35-40, a woman has about a 15% chance or less of conceiving each ovulatory cycle. I began cycling at age 38 but I had also just had a baby and was breastfeeding. My baby was provided with breastmilk until he was 27 months and while breastfeeding isn’t an ovulation suppressor, I did not become pregnant until I stopped.
I was 40 when I conceived again but that also ended in a miscarriage. I conceived again within a year but the statistics at conceiving per ovulatory cycle at age 40 are only 5% or less. So I conceived twice before I was 41 and delivered at age 42. Then I went through three years of mostly abstinence. Two near death experiences, postpartum depression, breastfeeding until about 27 months, and fear that I would die from another pregnancy and leave behind a husband to raise three children.
Submission to Possible Death
When we gave everything over to God, I submitted to the possibility that I could die and my husband submitted to the possibility that he would be left raising young children and an infant (possibly disabled). We never considered he might have to take care of a disabled wife but that was also a possibility. We just surrendered to Him.
Friends my age weren’t getting pregnant, though one finally did recently and gave birth to a healthy baby. Then I started to do period math. I considered that many women my age were probably not regular enough in their cycles. Some weren’t tracking their cycles at all but I did. There were many cycles we came together during the fertile phase and it was happening more frequently. Statistically, would we become pregnant?
That’s assuming the hubby’s swimmers are healthy and he’s also aged so how many cycles would it take? Assuming both egg and sperm are healthy and everything aligns correctly each cycle, it would probably take a year or longer of consistency. But then it happened.
The line on the pregnancy test was so faint but a line was certainly there. It was hard to see but I know that a line is a line and I went to explore this further. I requested a blood test and a progesterone test. Both tests confirmed I was pregnant but my progesterone was low (which has always been an issue in every pregnancy). I wrote about this pregnancy here. Was this a direct result of me asking God to possess me?
Not My Will, But Yours
Ever since my first pregnancy loss in 2010, pregnancy came with anxiety. Through my bereavement ministry, I learned more about miscarriage and stillbirth; which didn’t help my anxiety at all. If you have been following me, you would understand my Catholic faith and personal relationship with God has grown significantly so with this pregnancy, I offered everything to God.
I completely submitted to God’s will. I’m sure many of you are asking what this actually means. Submission means not worrying about it. It means to offer any anxiety that emerges. This means to accept any outcome. Any outcome for me was a pregnancy that ended early (miscarriage) or a pregnancy that continued with complications, or no complications. Disability for the baby or no disability. This also included death for me or no death and postpartum depression.
The submission to God’s Will meant that my husband also had to face anxiety that I could die or that the baby might die. He had to submit to the possibility that he could be raising his other children along with a disabled baby without his wife. Of course, the possibility that all would be fine was also something to accept and that we would be old parents and possibly never see this child get married and have children.
Honestly, we had no idea what we were accepting but we submitted to every possibility we humans could think of.
Prayers
Submission to God’s Will meant prayers.
“Lord, help my will to conform with Your Will.”
“Lord, I place this anxiety at the foot of Your Cross to do with as you wish. Please take it from me so it doesn’t lead me to sin.”
“Lord, I don’t want to worry about this any more, please take this from me.”
“Thy Will be Done.”
There were many prayers we would say as well as rosaries. I went to Mass more often and received the Eucharist more often, confessed more often, but mostly, I had to stop myself from worrying. I literally had to stop myself from thinking about it or rather, over thinking about it. This is not easy to do but with God’s grace, it’s possible because I did it. I allowed God to work in my life.
If you are struggling, continue to turn towards God. Accept any small moment where you are relieved from worry and anxiety and thank God. Thank God for every breath you take if there is nothing you feel thankful for but it’s important to find something to be thankful for and offer to God. Many of my friends are suffering right now and as much as I wish I could take away that suffering, it’s not for me. There is nothing I can do but pray and offer up for them. I pray they will submit to His Will because it has been freeing for me.