BL and AL. What do these letters mean? What are their significance? I was going through my Facebook “Memories” today and noticed I was using these terms. I know I haven’t shared what they mean yet but I know many of you will know what they mean. As I scrolled through the memories for today, I was looking at the dates. Pictures and messages I posted on March 7th since 2009 were displayed and as I studied the pictures, I wanted to know…was this “before loss” or “after loss?” BL or AL?
I have had two miscarriages now so sometimes when calculating it gets a bit more complicated but I couldn’t help wondering, was the picture I was looking at before or after? I studied my face, the faces of the others in the pictures, wondered if I was happy then or could comprehend how my life was going to change or contemplating how far I have come, where was I on the grief journey or had it started yet? I sifted through maybe 15 photos before I realized I was placing them into categories, BL and AL.
Then I wondered, how many others do this? I am sure many of you do. What is the significance for you? What do you wonder when you look back at pictures or memories? Would you stop yourself from becoming pregnant if you knew? If you could warn yourself, would you? If you could change something, what would it be?
Here is a picture I absolutely love of myself. It’s a “before loss” picture.
I had just quit my job and was about to being the police academy. I wanted short hair so I cut most of mine off. It was a happy time before my life was turned upside down. Little did I know that just nine months later, I would be mourning the loss of my second child…a daughter. If I could go back and tell myself something, would I prepare myself for the loss?
Here is a picture of me after two losses.
This is a different angle and lighting but is anything different? I am obviously older. I can tell you that in this picture, I am about four months post loss (of Gus) and I had chopped off all my hair. I hated my hair. I don’t recommend chopping off your hair within the first few days (or even weeks) after a loss.
Let me show you. Here I am with long hair.
Here I am after the hair stylist didn’t listen and cut off too much. I had explicitly told her my bang should be at my chin. They aren’t even close! This was two days after we discovered Gus was dead and he was still within my womb here.
So the moral of the story is, don’t get your hair cut so quickly after loss. But I digress.
Do you find that you say this was before loss or after loss? What feelings does that bring up for you? I know for me, I do feel sad. I wish I could tell myself what is about to happen and how to prepare. I would want to go back and share as much as I could, telling myself that I will survive. I wouldn’t take the experience back. I wouldn’t stop the loss from happening (assuming I had that kind of power).
The loss of Gus and Ruby are a part of me. They don’t define me, but they are a big part of who I am and why I do what I do. I wouldn’t be able to do it as well if I hadn’t experienced their losses. So what is it for you?
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