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Category: pregnancy after miscarriage (Page 3 of 3)

30 Weeks Pregnant!

I can’t believe I have made it to 30 weeks of pregnancy! I have been feeling better about the pregnancy although my largest fear is that my baby will still die. I know that because of my previous loss that this will always be a thought in the back of my mind. It certainly doesn’t consume my every thought, but the moment I don’t feel this baby moving, I begin to worry. I am so glad that I have a doppler and can listen to the baby’s heartbeat every time I feel this way.

One update is that I am going to be off work beginning next week! I can no longer fight with combative patients or run to emergencies. After nearly being kicked in the belly by a patient last Monday, I realize I have no choice. My belly sticks out too far and bending over a gurney with the side rails up is next to impossible. I still have quite the range of motion everywhere but it’s time. I ran to a fire alarm today and am hurting really bad.

I have been having some pelvic pain and have been seeing a chiropractor for the Webster Technique. At first, I felt no relief but the second adjustment brought me so much relief I was feeling really good. I felt so good, that I ran to a fire alarm today. Once I was done…the pain was tremendous! I can barely move and nearly fell out of my car on the way home getting gas because I couldn’t support myself. I am glad I am seeing the chiropractor again tomorrow and I hope she can make an adjustment so that I can at least walk without pain. I also hope I can get through the day tomorrow!!!

I am definitely loving this time of my pregnancy. Joey is very excited and loves to hold my belly. He talks to my belly, puts his head on my belly, tells me how big I am getting (in a positive way) and also waits to feel the baby kick him. He can’t wait until he gets kicked in the face through my belly. Sometimes he listens to the baby and swears he can hear the baby moving inside. It’s so wonderful.

I will have some pregnancy pictures soon and Joey will be a part of them. Other than his long hair, I believe the pictures will capture these precious moments we have each day. I am so excited for him to become a big brother!

I still can’t believe I am on this journey. Some days, it’s pure excitement. Other days, pure fear! I was told this was normal and I expected it but sometimes it still takes me by surprised that I am scared to be doing this, that I might lose the baby, and of course, that I am starting all over again.

I look forward to the next 8 weeks of bonding with my baby, focusing on my body, nourishing my body, preparing for the birth, learning to relax and most of all preparing my home for this new life which we can’t wait to welcome into this world!

We are blessed by God!

Pregnancy After Miscarriage Continued

Week 19

I hear it is absolutely normal for women who have had a loss before, not to really bond with the baby. I was told the response is a defense mechanism; one that is supposed to protect from the severe devastation and grief experience of another loss. I can understand that but does my mind really think that if I lost this baby, I wouldn’t experience grief again?

Each day is both a challenge and a blessing. I am excited and happy to have another day with this baby growing inside me yet it is challenging because I feel guilty that I am not bonded to this baby. It’s as if the baby isn’t really inside me; like the baby isn’t really there.

I have been feeling the tap, tap, tapping of this little one for over a month now so I know the baby is there but I feel so detached. I am excited and just want to meet this little one. If only that day would come faster. If only each day went faster so that it would be warm and I would be meeting my new baby.

We had an ultrasound last week. Not much was revealed. The baby was turned and basically sitting cross-legged with arms folded across the baby’s chest. With that, we couldn’t see the heart, spine, face, kidneys or parts of the arms that needed to be measured. What we COULD see, measured normally which was good but I felt no reassurance that my baby was okay.

The next day I nearly had a panic attack that something was drastically wrong with my baby. Was the baby stuck in the position? Was the baby choking on the placenta? After all, the placenta was in the baby’s face, smooshing the baby’s nose! Was the umbilical cord too short? Was the fluid in the brain normal? There were so many questions that I just didn’t have when I was with the doctor.

So, I emailed the doctor that performed the ultrasound and she provided the reassurance I needed but still, the back of my mind is driving me crazy! Will I ever feel safe in this pregnancy? Does this get any easier? Is this going to spread into the postpartum period? Will I always wonder?

I have no idea the answer and I work every day to put all this worry and anxiety into the Lord’s hands. It’s not like every second I am worrying, it’s more like I am not thinking about the baby. This is so different from Joey’s pregnancy. I didn’t ignore it, I was “IN” it. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

I go back to the doctor in four weeks to have the baby re-examined. Hopefully, we can see everything we need to in order for me to feel everything is normal and okay. Although I am reminded by my mother-in-law that my niece’s scans and tests were all normal yet she was still born with a genetic disorder. I pray I have the strength that my sister-in-law has in order to care for a child with a genetic disorder should my baby have one. Becky and Nick are very strong and I don’t know how they do it.

For now, I will continue to do my best to eat well for this baby, exercise for this baby (something I didn’t do with Joey’s pregnancy), pray for this baby, and work hard to love this baby from the outside in.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

I never thought I would be in this position. I am now over 16 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. Its exciting and scary to say the least. I think I have gotten through the hard part though. I also haven’t blogged since we made the announcement so I will back up for you a bit and talk about all that has happened.

The first trimester started out very easy. No bleeding and it was like I wasn’t even pregnant. Then 7 weeks hit and I began to experience extreme nausea. They kept saying that it was such a great sign. They said that meant my pregnancy was a healthy one. I never experienced this before. My son’s pregnancy was a piece of cake so this was completely new territory to me.

Within 2 weeks I could no longer take it. I wasn’t eating much, if anything at all and I was feeling so horrible. I hadn’t vomited but the pain in my stomach and nausea was getting to be unbearable. I messaged my doctor one night asking for some anit-nausea meds but by morning, I was too sick. I went to work but had to leave early. When I got home, I went straight to bed. It was Halloween and I felt horrible because this is one of Joey’s favorite holidays. I had hoped within a few hours I would wake up and feel better but instead I was worse.

I texted hubby in the middle of trick-or-treating with Joey and told him I needed to go to urgent care. On the way out the door, some neighbors saw we were leaving and offered to take Joey for the night. They were our angels. We had no idea how long we would be gone. At urgent care, I got some good meds for the nausea but there was pain in my stomach that would not go away. They gave me meds for that but no relief. I had a fever too so they sent us to the hospital.

Nothing changed at the hospital. More of the same meds and then they sent me home. At follow-up the next day, my OB sent me for an abdominal ultrasound which showed an issue with my gall bladder and liver. Ugh! I was put on a diet of plain bread, rice, pasta, chicken. That’s it. How boring and not good for a growing baby. Eating this way didn’t bring much relief. I still wasn’t hungry. After a week or so, I began to feel a bit better and the pain in my stomach was subsiding. I resumed eating what I felt like, when I felt like it. I was always nauseated, it didn’t matter what I ate.

By week 12 I was beginning to get nervous. We were to have Thanksgiving dinner and I really wanted to eat what my mom had cooked. I managed to eat tiny bits of each dish and didn’t feel sick. I also woke up to bright red blood in my underwear. I tried not to freak out as I had no bleeding or spotting at all throughout the pregnancy so far. I called the doc, but it was Thanksgiving and I was in another state. Rest, drink water, and keep an eye on it. Luckily, it subsided by the afternoon. I assumed it came from all the traveling.

By week 13, my nausea was almost completely gone and I began to feel hungry all the time. It was nice to finally be eating but then I would over eat and feel sick. I had to manage my tummy and realize that it was much smaller from the lack of food over the last 3 months.

It’s been 3 weeks and things are going much better. I have had a few bouts of spotting which we discovered was related to vaginal exams at my OB’s office. I advised them there would be no more exams until I was pushing the baby out!

I have seen my baby 5 times and the baby is growing perfectly. I bought a doppler so I could listen any time I wanted. It’s been a great reassurance. I was able to find the baby at around 12 weeks but it always took a while to find the heartbeat. Now it’s simple to find the baby. I go in for another ultrasound in a few weeks. This is the big one. We could find out the sex, but we don’t want to. I guess we shall see what happens.

We have had virtually no testing, no genetic testing, and no other scans to look at the baby other than measuring for growth. It’s a little nerve-wracking but I knew my tests would come back skewed because I am older and I didn’t want to be the woman stuck with a false positive freaking out the entire pregnancy. Been there, done that. No thank you! So, we are living on faith that everything is fine with the baby.

I feel the baby move every day now. It’s the neatest feeling. I remember it with Joey but not ever feeling it this early. I feel the little flutters and rolls. It’s also reassuring that everything is ok.

I have had no desire to blog or journal about this pregnancy which has me worried. I know it’s probably my bodies way of protecting itself from the pain of another loss. I am definitely not as attached to this baby as the last two but feeling the baby move helps tremendously. It’s like the baby is saying, “Hey, still here mom!” I love it. I am trying hard to talk to the baby as well. I want this baby, but I am still scared. I signed up for prenatal yoga so that will also help and I get regular massages that help me relax and focus on me. I am definitely providing more self-care with this pregnancy.

Well, that’s the update. As soon as we get our scans from the 18 week ultrasound, I’ll post the pictures. The only picture I have is of a tiny baby that looks like a peanut from my 12 week scan. The next scan will look really baby-like. I can say that baby has nice arms and legs and I saw brain in the 2 hemispheres during the last ultrasound. I pray every day for this pregnancy to continue.

Big Fat Positive!

The anticipated blog is finally here! Yes. We are officially expecting! It’s been announced at many places and I feel pretty confident but it’s still early and I have had a loss so naturally, there is some anxiety over this pregnancy. I will say the anxiety is nothing like the anxiety I had during my pregnancy with Ruby. I would consider my anxiety level…NORMAL for someone who has had a loss.

I am both elated and nervous, more elated than anything. It’s been such a long journey to get here. This was such an unexpected surprise and I pray every day that this baby continues to grow strong, healthy, and to full-term!

How did we get here? Well, as many of you read, I opted for exploratory surgery in August. I was quite nervous and wasn’t sure if anything would be found. Nothing significant was found at all but I secretly felt like the surgeon may have “tickled” my ovaries enough to work. Recovery from the air bubble was difficult but otherwise my recovery was uneventful. The surgeon removed a bit of scar tissue from a mesh implant I had to repair a hernia when I was a teenager. Unbelievably, that took away the pain I had had for over seven years!

Then, about three weeks ago, I was talking with my husband and told him that it looked like I might be ovulating. After charting my fertility signs for years, I was pretty sure although I have been wrong in the past. With PCOS, your body can trick you into thinking it’s working. It had been four weeks since my last period so I was pretty shocked to see the signs of ovulation so late. Normally, my body remains dormant. We decided to take on the opportunity and did was “normal” people do in order to get pregnant. Yup. Sex!! It happened to be Joey’s birthday as well.

Even though I wasn’t sure that I was ovulating, I remained on the bed…post coitus, like anyone going through infertility treatments would. I joked with Jason about doing headstands and other silly things in order for the “deposit” to make its way to the correct location for the best outcome. Of course, we were laughing about it with no expectation that we would actually be successful. After all, we had tried for many months utilizing many methods (mostly in the doctor’s office) and we were never successful.

Needless to say, I felt the desire to test on the morning of The Walk to Remember. I thought it might be of some significance finding out I was pregnant on the same morning I was honoring the loss of Ruby. I had started charting my temperature following the signs of ovulation and confirmed that I ovulated based on my elevated temperatures. The morning of the walk, I counted back the days. I speculated I was approximately 12 days past ovulation. I have never had a positive pregnancy test that early before but I expected a negative anyway.

It was about 6:15am on a Saturday morning and I removed one of two, cheap pregnancy tests I bought on the internet. I grabbed a little pee cup I had and did my deed into the cup. As I finished up, I dipped the test into the little cup filled with yellow liquid. One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand and I removed the stick and set it on the wood stool that was somehow trapped in my bathroom.

I watched the liquid flow across the test and began to observe the control line turning dark. “Ugh! That figures! Another negative test.” I picked up the stick and held the stick in my right hand and proceeded to wait the full three minutes. “Just in case,” I thought. As I flushed the toilet I thought my eyes were deceiving me. “What?! Is that a second line appearing on the test?” My heartbeat began to beat fast. I stood up and began to pace in the bathroom, staring at the test, waiting to see how dark the line got. It had only been two minutes at minimum.

I began to scratch my head. How can this be? Is this an evaporation line? It can’t be an evaporation line, the test is still wet. It’s too early for this to be positive. I am only 12 days past ovulation…I think. It slowly started to sink in that the test I was holding was positive and I thought to myself, “I want to surprise Jason but I can’t hold this in. I have to tell him.”

So, instead of planning some elaborate scheme to tell him, I walked into his bathroom with the little stick in my hand. Jason was in the shower. I said, “Jay?” and waited for his reply. “Yeah?” he said. I replied, “This pregnancy test says I am pregnant.” He bolted out from behind the shower curtain and screamed, “Which one?!!!” I said, “The one that’s in my hand.” He said, “Are you serious?” I said, “it looks like it.”

He grabbed me and gave me a big hug. I could see how excited he was. I knew he wanted to pull me into the shower but I didn’t want to get wet. I am not sure why, as I still needed to shower myself but for some reason I told him not to pull me into the shower. He was jumping up and down like a little girl, all excited and quite frankly, that’s what my body was doing inside as well. I was totally excited! Shocked, but excited.

We had too much to do that morning. There was no telling anyone, we needed to get Joey up and ready, my stuff packed in the car and begin the 45 minute drive to the park while stopping for breakfast along the way. We talked about stopping at Walgreens for another test but I soon realized we wouldn’t have time. I didn’t feel nervous or anxious like last time, I was just excited. This was a new feeling. Well, not new, but just like when I was pregnant with Joey.

Later that night, I had stopped to get another test and double checked. I knew that if the test came back positive that late in the day, it was a sure thing. Sure enough, when I dipped the stick and watched the liquid move up the stick, both lines appeared instantly. There was no doubt. Two lines meant…PREGNANT!

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