Week 19

I hear it is absolutely normal for women who have had a loss before, not to really bond with the baby. I was told the response is a defense mechanism; one that is supposed to protect from the severe devastation and grief experience of another loss. I can understand that but does my mind really think that if I lost this baby, I wouldn’t experience grief again?

Each day is both a challenge and a blessing. I am excited and happy to have another day with this baby growing inside me yet it is challenging because I feel guilty that I am not bonded to this baby. It’s as if the baby isn’t really inside me; like the baby isn’t really there.

I have been feeling the tap, tap, tapping of this little one for over a month now so I know the baby is there but I feel so detached. I am excited and just want to meet this little one. If only that day would come faster. If only each day went faster so that it would be warm and I would be meeting my new baby.

We had an ultrasound last week. Not much was revealed. The baby was turned and basically sitting cross-legged with arms folded across the baby’s chest. With that, we couldn’t see the heart, spine, face, kidneys or parts of the arms that needed to be measured. What we COULD see, measured normally which was good but I felt no reassurance that my baby was okay.

The next day I nearly had a panic attack that something was drastically wrong with my baby. Was the baby stuck in the position? Was the baby choking on the placenta? After all, the placenta was in the baby’s face, smooshing the baby’s nose! Was the umbilical cord too short? Was the fluid in the brain normal? There were so many questions that I just didn’t have when I was with the doctor.

So, I emailed the doctor that performed the ultrasound and she provided the reassurance I needed but still, the back of my mind is driving me crazy! Will I ever feel safe in this pregnancy? Does this get any easier? Is this going to spread into the postpartum period? Will I always wonder?

I have no idea the answer and I work every day to put all this worry and anxiety into the Lord’s hands. It’s not like every second I am worrying, it’s more like I am not thinking about the baby. This is so different from Joey’s pregnancy. I didn’t ignore it, I was “IN” it. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

I go back to the doctor in four weeks to have the baby re-examined. Hopefully, we can see everything we need to in order for me to feel everything is normal and okay. Although I am reminded by my mother-in-law that my niece’s scans and tests were all normal yet she was still born with a genetic disorder. I pray I have the strength that my sister-in-law has in order to care for a child with a genetic disorder should my baby have one. Becky and Nick are very strong and I don’t know how they do it.

For now, I will continue to do my best to eat well for this baby, exercise for this baby (something I didn’t do with Joey’s pregnancy), pray for this baby, and work hard to love this baby from the outside in.