Four years ago today, we saw our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Well, my feelings have been confirmed. You have passed away inside me. It’s really weird knowing that your body is still there but you are no longer alive. I don’t know what I can give to you. I wish that I could help you.

When I arrived at the clinic, they asked me to fill out a bunch of papers. I told the receptionist that I believed you to be gone and she said that she would see if I needed to complete the papers. When she came back, she said that I could complete them after the appointment. The nurse got me in quickly. Your brother was really sick. He was throwing up in the car and had a bowl in the office. I asked the nurse if I should have daddy and him stay in the waiting room. She took my blood pressure and vitals and said she would put me in a room and then have them come in.

As we were getting ready to go to a room, the patient that had an appointment before me had just shown up…late. The nurse said she was just going to put me in a room and have the NP come in so she could do the ultrasound quickly and let me know.

She put me in a room, had me change and brought daddy and your brother in. We all sat there, waiting. The NP came in and she asked me some questions. I was very emotional. I just KNEW you were gone. I explained to her my feelings and what had been happening. She did a cervical exam and stated that my cervix was VERY red. I told her that I believed the suppositories were causing that. I told her I wanted to switch to oral. She didn’t believe that a Dr. prescribed oral progesterone for me so we talked about that a little and then she finished the exam.

She set up the ultrasound and put in the transducer. There you were…You were bigger this time then you were the last ultrasound. It was hard to believe that you had died. I could tell right away there was no heart beat. The NP tried and tried to find one. She even turned on the audio. I said, “There’s no heart beat is there?” I turned away from the screen. I was getting dizzy. I couldn’t bare to see you anymore. I knew you were gone.

After a few minutes of silence, the NP said, “No, I’m sorry. There is no heart beat.” She looked around a little more and then we finished up.

Your brother was vomiting again and I felt like I was going to throw up. I asked daddy and your brother to leave so I could discuss options. They left and I was crying a lot and talking with the NP. The NP gave me all my options. She left and then brought daddy in so we could talk about the options. I could see that daddy was very upset. That was hard. I hate to see him cry.

He didn’t want to make a decision right then so I decided we would wait until tomorrow. When the NP came back in, I told her I hadn’t made a decision yet. I then asked about genetic testing. She said they don’t normally do it. I asked if I could have it done. She said she would ask and left. She came back and told me they could do it and we talked a little about that.

Of course, I got the…”this isn’t your fault,” “it’s a genetic problem,” speech. Ugh! I didn’t want to hear that. I know all about that. She doesn’t need to know why I want the testing. My goal is to ensure that it was chromosomal and not because of a lack of hormones. Part of me believes I didn’t make the right hormones and that’s why you died.

I may never know. I have to catch you in a container as you come out and then rush you to the lab where they will ship you off to Texas for testing. Wow! Not even born into this world and you already get to make a flight.

I hope I can catch you. I know it will be hard. If I choose to have surgery, I wouldn’t have to worry about that. I guess I will see how I feel tomorrow.

I’m sorry you are gone little one. I love you and I will miss feeling you grow inside of me. Be an angel my dear!

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage