On vacation, I continue to have these random thoughts of you being dead. I hate these thoughts. I don’t feel like there is any reason to be having these thoughts but they enter my mind at odd times and I can’t stop them.
For instance, while changing your diaper and putting your nightgown on, I looked at your feet and they looked very white. You were under the light of the camper on the bed that makes up the kitchen table and I saw your little white feet. I touched them over and over to see if they would turn pink, but they didn’t. I moved you several times, pulled your feet up into the light, but they still remained the same white color.
Then, I twisted you up and turned you sideways on the bench and sure enough, your feet looked normal. I felt instant relief but then I got scared that you might die. Is this even normal? Should I have these feeling about you? Did I have these feelings about Joey? I will have to check Joey’s journal to see if I did. Are these feelings because I lost Ruby? Maybe it’s time to revisit my therapy?
I picked you up and pulled you into my right shoulder. I held you close and hugged you tightly with both my arms. Of course, you let out a big belch and I had to laugh. I brought the side of your head into my face and lips. I smelled your skin and let your hair rub against my cheek. I soaked in your spirit in those moments, telling you I loved you so much and asking you not to leave. I gave you many kisses on the side of your head, cheek, and lips.
I have had similar thoughts before. Sometimes my thoughts will go so far as to see you in a coffin in a little suit. It is so scary. These are horrible random thoughts.
Why? Are you leaving? Am I having a premonition of sorts? I could not bear for you to leave. I ask God nightly to keep you here with us, safe and sound. Why do I have these thoughts?
Timmy, you are a blessing. Every day I have with you is a blessing, even though it is hard sometimes. I love you so much my Timmy, Tim, Tim.