Things I noticed today:

I slept all night without having to go to the bathroom.

My bloat is starting to go away (it just leaves my fat so I need to work on that now).

I no longer have round ligament pain.

My milk supply has completely returned to normal.

I feel much better today both physically and emotionally.

There is blood today. There wasn’t any yesterday.

I still have a long way to go. I am still weepy over the fact that we will not be adding to our family. I am still sad thinking I have four children but only two living. I am still ornery and don’t care who I offend right now (which sucks big time). I want to move forward much faster but I know I can’t.

Hubby took the day off today but I feel guilty now that my blood pressure is back up. I am not sure if we will actually spend time together or separately. It’s cloudy and I want to get out of my house. I am tired of laying on my couch and watching TV.

I managed to make myself some breakfast and eat it. Grief doesn’t take my appetite away. It makes it worse for me. If I could get a chocolate IV right now, that would help tremendously. I blog a little this morning and try to catch up on some emails and texts from worried friends. Then, I relax on the couch with the family.

Timmy slept 14 hours today. I had to check on him twice and I was so worried he was dead. He has never slept that long before, ever. It was so hard to go into his room to check. I was so relieved when both times he was just sleeping. After relaxing a bit the sun came out and both hubby and I decided we should do some yard work.

As soon as I entered the garage though, I began to cry. There it was. The stroller. THE STROLLER! The one I bought for this baby. I bought the stroller when I was about six weeks pregnant. I knew it was early but I know it’s super expensive and I knew that if the baby died, I would be able to sell it easily. So, that’s what I did. I threw it up on Facebook.


Baby Jogger City Select Double Inline Stroller

I was in love with this stroller from the moment I learned about it. I searched far and wide for a great double stroller. This would fit all my needs once the baby came. I found it at the Just Between Friends Event in Douglas County. When I dropped off my own stroller to sell, I saw this one for sale. I was so happy I signed up to volunteer because that meant I would get an early pass which allowed me to shop before the sale opened to the public.

As a consignor, I also got extra tickets. I went with a friend to this event. I told her I had two items on my list that I HAD to get. Luckily, she needed one of the same items so she went there and I ran to the stroller room. I was so happy when the stroller was still there. I immediately purchased it. The cost was high but not as high as if I bought it new. It’s a $600 stroller. I got it for more than half that.

I was giddy but I also had buyer’s remorse, which is common for me. I hate to spend money, especially on myself. I got it loaded in the truck and told hubby how excited I was and followed it up with, “I feel bad for buying it.” He was excited that I spent the money.

When he saw the stroller at home, it made this baby so real to him. Reality set in. We would have two kids in a stroller. Excitement all around!

So, when I saw this in the garage and needed to move it so I could mow the lawn, I just bawled. My baby, the baby that would grow up in this stroller, be pushed around all over the Cherry Creek trail with big brother, was gone. Those dreams, vanished! I will have to build new dreams.

I snapped a picture and quickly threw it up on Facebook. Almost instantly, I was getting private messages of people that wanted it. It was THAT desirable.

I also put it on my personal Facebook page and friends were telling me not to sell it. It was almost as if they were begging me not to. As much as I don’t want to sell it, I need to sell it. It’s such a painful reminder. We will probably still sell our home and move and I don’t even know how to fold it up. One friend sent me a video on that and told me to take off the extra seat and store that. Then just use it as a single stroller. I am not sure if I could nor if I would have a need for it. I have a jogging stroller for Timmy that I love to use. I guess I could try it first since I know how expensive these strollers are and if I keep it, I wouldn’t have to buy another one if we decide to try again and actually get a living baby from this.

Hubby sounds like he really wants to try again. I know I have been thinking about it too but then I think about how old we will be when this child would become an adult and that just scares me. I want to see this child’s babies and I am not sure we would. I know Timmy is only two years younger right now but those two years can be significant later.

Then there is the curiosity…will I develop Asherman’s Syndrome again? Will my fertility return? Did this miscarriage mess up my fertility? Only time will tell but I know one thing; I am leaving this up to God. I can’t take on this burden. He will lead us.

Tonight is the first night I have really struggled. I am deep within my grief losing will to go on. I know this is just a stage of my grief and I won’t sit in this despair long but it sure hurts. Nothing anyone has said or done has brought relief. I sit curled in the fetal position on my bed, filling the blankets with tears. I just want this to be over. I never want to love like this again.

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage