Bereavement Wars? What are they? This is going to be controversial and I imagine there will be backlash but this needs to be said.
This isn’t something new. I have talked about it before and have been experiencing issues off and on since I came into the bereavement field. I don’t know why we have to “fight” over who gets to help families through pregnancy loss. This is the worst time in a families life and behind the scenes people are fighting over it.
This normally would be something flattering. You know, similar to two guys fighting over a girl but this is not flattering at all. It’s downright horrible and disgusting. We already have too many pregnancy loss groups. All run by different individuals and organizations. It’s overwhelming to a newly bereaved family. Where will they find support? Is this the right group for me? Will it be a loving and comforting environment? Who governs this group?
But behind the scenes, much of it (bereavement wars) is all about the person who runs the group. Hate towards other organizations similar and not similar. Hate towards authors, bloggers, other loss mothers, etc. It seems to be about who can provide the best support but in reality, no support is being provided. It’s the hidden agenda in the persons group/organization. It’s about their personal gratification.
“Don’t call that bereavement doula because we have an awesome program at our hospital. Don’t inform a family about that resource because we already have resources available. Don’t do _____ because _____.”
Why not provide women ALL their resources and options? Why hide resources? Isn’t the purpose of the group/organization to provide support, provide healing, provide love, provide resources to further healing? It IS in my opinion. But who am I?
I am not talking about organizations and groups that have niches.
First Trimester Miscarriage
Second Trimester Loss
Fatal Diagnosis and carrying to term support
Fatal Diagnosis with termination support
Support for birth professionals
Support for hospital staff
Training for hospital staff
Pregnancy After Loss Support
Memorials and Remembrance Walks
While I know we cannot ALL fall under one group/organization because each of us wants to bring a piece of our child’s legacy into what we are doing, why are we fighting with the other groups/organizations? Maybe your organization or group doesn’t fit that family’s needs? Ah, but then you wouldn’t have helped. That’s a sad way of looking at it.
You DID help! You provided a resource. Your group/organization may not have been the one the family utilized but your organization provided a resource the family could use and they will be forever thankful for it.
My list here is not all inclusive, but I don’t ban or not include any organization, even if I have disagreed with the owner. I may talk about how awesome one group or organization is, but there are so many out there for you to use. I wish there were less. I wish there was one place all the groups/organizations out there could be listed. We need a directory. I know The Miscarriage Association (US) has a “directory” but it’s not enough.
Loss families do not need to know we are fighting behind the scenes but some do know and when they find out, it’s destructive. It reduces their ability to heal and cope. It’s not flattering to them. It’s sickening to them. So why are we at war?
Most of these groups are run by women. Women in general are so hateful to each other. The age of the internet has compounded the ease in which hate is transmitted.
But I tell you, this has got to stop.
Are you willing to come together and put your personal feelings aside for the greater good of the loss community? Are you willing to ban together, not further separate so families can feel surrounded by love? If you are, let me know! Comment here. Share this! Help others to see it’s time to come together in ALL aspects of loss to help our families in need.
Our families should not suffer anymore hurt because you didn’t want to refer or call or pass on a resource. We can’t provide everything a family needs. Remember that it’s OKAY if you can’t provide everything they need. That’s why we have other organizations to refer to. You are amazing for all that you give to the loss community. You have such a huge heart to bear your soul with them and share in your own experiences. I hope you will help us stop these bereavement wars. We are failing the community we so desperately want to heal.
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