Elizabeth Petrucelli

Author, Blogger, Educator

Tag: pregnancy after loss

Pregnancy After Loss – Bargaining

Day 1 - miscarriageWhen you pee on that stick and see the positive, you are elated…usually. Even in pregnancy after loss, there are moments of excitement which appear immediately upon seeing the positive test but it isn’t usually long until the worry and anxiety sets in. It’s almost as if entering pregnancy after loss means restarting the stages of grief.

Bargaining!

We will do whatever we can to ensure this baby will come home. That includes delivering early either by c-section or induction. I’ve been there, begging my OB to induce just so I could bring my baby home alive.

Hiring a doula – Some women will hire a doula immediately after peeing on the stick…as if to say, “there, now the baby HAS to come home alive with me because I hired a doula.” We know this isn’t true, but absolutely feels like this can be a sure way to ensure a living baby at the end.

Testing – Some women have as much testing as possible and others refuse all testing.

Ultrasounds – Extra ultrasounds, one each week or more is another way to “bargain.” If I see the baby more often, I might be able to pick up on something that is wrong earlier and hopefully correct it.

Creams – Progesterone creams or other hormonal treatments can be another way women bargain with the universe to keep their baby.

Herbs – Special herbal remedies were definitely something I explored. I remember trying False Unicorn Root during my pregnancy with Ruby. I just KNEW I would get to keep her because I was taking it. She died only a few weeks after starting it.

Prayer – If I pray more, go to adoration more, attend church more, etc…God will give me this baby.

Heck, I would have hired a drummer to come into my home and drum on a daily basis if that would have guaranteed I would bring my baby home. But we know, nothing can guarantee that.

Sometimes it’s about rituals; appointments at the same time and on the same day of the week.  Or still others have avoidance rituals:

Never returning to the same doctor/hospital/clinic.

Not purchasing anything for the baby until they are here.

Not announcing the pregnancy until very late in pregnancy or not at all.

These are all forms of bargaining. It’s a way for us to feel a sense of control. We desperately need to feel in control. We need to feel that we can do something, anything to bring home a living baby because the opposite of that is so extremely painful we feel we won’t survive again. Another loss feels as if we would surely die.

I think deep down we know that it’s still out of our control but we really need to feel a sense of control so we do things. Things that can confuse others and sometimes even ourselves. It’s not wrong to do these things. Some of them may help but at the very least, they help us feel better and as long as we are not putting ourselves or our babies at risk, then why not?

Naivety vs. Faith in Pregnancy After Loss

Photo credit: Mike Hansen

Photo credit: Mike Hansen

I had an immense amount of faith during my pregnancy with G. When G was stillborn, I lost all that faith. I couldn’t understand why this happened and more importantly, why this happened to us. We were devote Catholics. We prayed for this baby. How could God have taken this baby? So when we became pregnant after G, I struggled with my faith. I couldn’t deal with the feeling that I had no control and attempted to control what I could (within reason). When L was born, I thought my faith might return but it didn’t come back quite like I expected. Am I changed forever? A.M.

What is the difference between naivety and faith? Did A have faith or was she living in the world of naivety which nearly every pregnant woman who hasn’t experienced loss live in? I have blogged about the loss of innocence before and this post really isn’t that different except I am using different words; Faith and Naivety.

Let’s define both.

Faith – Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Naivety – Innocence or unsophistication.

actually had both faith and naivety. Her first pregnancy was full of innocence. Innocence that bad things don’t happen to babies. Babies don’t die. Faith that babies don’t die, that her trust in God will bring her a living, breathing baby. There are both aspects here but something happens when we lose a child or experience great loss. We lose the ability to channel that faith and the innocence is complete gone.

A may struggle to have complete faith again. This is not a lack of trust in God but a lack of trust/confidence that her Divine Father will provide her a living child. Her Father will provide but what will the provision be?

A will likely never enter another pregnancy naive or with that innocence that all will turn out well.

Channeling our faith with subsequent pregnancies can be difficult but we must try. If we don’t have faith in God, if we are spiritual but not religious, if we carry no spiritual beliefs at all, then have have faith in the child within your womb. They are there, present in this moment and we must carry some faith in that living being will continue to grow and be born alive.

Faith does not equal control, nor does faith equal religion/spirituality. Even though faith is most often associated with religion/spirituality, please don’t think that this post could not relate to you or your experiences. It is a belief, a trust, and faith that we will have a living child following our pregnancy.

But let’s return to A for a moment. To answer her question, she is likely changed forever. Most of us who are touched by pregnancy loss are changed forever in much the same way people are changed after losing a child of any age. We look back, we worry, we wonder, we protect, we question, we are cautious.

I experienced something similar as A. I became extremely faithful during my pregnancy with Ruby. Because I felt like I would lose Ruby at any moment, I thought that prayer could save her. I somehow believed that a lack of prayer could result in her being taken from me so I prayed more than I ever had in my life. It was my “control” and if I didn’t pray enough or the right way or even the right prayers, I was not worthy and my baby would be taken.

So when Ruby passed, I was not only devastated but found myself feeling unworthy of God’s love. I prayed, but he took her anyway. I was not “good” enough. I was His daughter who didn’t try hard enough. I wasn’t faithful enough to Him so He would allow her to stay with me and be born alive.

But that’s not what faith is about. Even if we remove the religious/spiritual aspect of faith, merely having it, does not mean that what we believe in, hope for, trust in, will happen. Does that mean we should no longer have faith? No, but it’s definitely more difficult to have faith when faith had been crushed in the past.

So how do we gain that faith back when we journeying through pregnancy after loss? How do we love again? How do we have hope again. Ah, those words.

Photo Credit: Flickr (Andreanna Moya Photographer)

Photo Credit: Flickr (Andreanna Moya Photographer)

We start small. We have to come to an understanding that we don’t have control over much of our pregnancy and how our baby develops. We embrace the things we do have control over (choosing a doctor, choosing a place for delivery, choosing a way to monitor our baby, choosing how many ultrasounds, choosing which diagnostic testing), and we bond anyway. That bonding is oh so very hard but we must try to bond anyway.

It will not hurt less if we don’t bond for we are already bonded. It’s hard to lower that wall of vulnerability, of opening our heart to such hurt if our baby dies anyway but we must try. We must try to show our baby, this new baby, all our love no matter how scared we are and how hurt we are.

I know it’s easier said than done. I have been there. I walked that journey and lost another. But I left that loss journey with better coping and more love for my child than I could have ever imagined. One of the ways I encouraged bonding was I committed to writing a note to my baby every day. I wrote whatever came to mind. I didn’t think too much about it.

I decided I would write the note to my baby on a white erase board. I then took a picture of the note on the board which ended up being our son’s memory book. This is an easy project but you must commit to it. This made me think each day about my baby and what I would want to share with them. It was perfect and if I were ever to become pregnant again, I would do this again.

There are other ways to bond, such as taking a bath, listening to music, taking a walk, getting a massage, etc but when you do these things you commit to thinking about your baby, talking to your baby (even if only in your head), sending vibes/energy to your baby, positive thoughts, etc. It’s not easy and the first few times might feel awkward and forced. This is okay. Just keep trying.

You may not ever feel normal again during pregnancy after a loss. You may not ever return to the innocence that you made it to a “safe zone” and you will bring home a living baby. You may not ever fully have the faith and trust in the pregnancy process but have faith in your child. Have faith that the child within your womb is yours and is meant to be there no matter how long or short that time is. You were chosen to carry your child. That is honorable.

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage

The Silent Battle of Infertility and Miscarriage

 

Infertility and MiscarriageI was reading a different blog recently, entitled Infertility, Miscarriage, and Hope. The author made me really think long and hard. Her blog was so honest and open. It resonated with me in so many ways. I too suffered from infertility and miscarriage. And I too, had hope and was blessed with my rainbow baby as this woman was. But the beginning of her blog and how she described infertility as lonely and isolated really struck me.

She is right. With infertility comes loneliness and isolation. With miscarriage comes loneliness and isolation. Why are both of these fraught with loneliness and isolation. These are issues where we need others to lean on, yet we are left to suffer in silence. All of us. Not only would I be suffering, but possibly the girl next to me in line at the grocery store, or the girl sitting next to me in church. We are both suffering but neither of us would know about it, because we are suffering in silence.

How horrible is that? If I knew the woman next to me was suffering, I would want to reach out to her and give her a big hug. I would want to tell her everything was okay and that I felt the same way she did. I would want to tell her that I was here for her and she could lean on me at any time. Instead, we trade glances but never realize that the emptiness in her eyes is because she lost a baby or because she hasn’t conceived a baby yet.

I have been in your shoes. I know what it’s like to suffer with infertility. To try so hard to have a baby yet every time I peed on that stick, it was negative. I know! I feel! I understand! I am sorry!

I also know what it’s like to lose a baby. To suffer. To do nothing but cry and writhe in a pain that we should never have to feel. A pain that is so immense and deep that nothing can take away. I know and I am sorry!

We need to break this silence, not just on miscarriage, but on infertility. We need to band together and support each other. Will you join me?

Karli will be guest blogging here tomorrow. Subscribe to this blog to see what she has to say!

 

– Breaking the silence of First Trimester Miscarriage

Bonding – FINALLY!

I spent time with you today. It was the first time I can think of this pregnancy where I REALLY spent time with you. I had an extremely busy day, preparing meals for after you are here and I was super tired. Your daddy was so nice and drew me a bath. He helped to inspect my swelling and was just as surprised as I was that my legs were quite swollen from standing 12 hours making food.

He was so loving and drew me a nice warm bath. It smelled wonderful as he added some oils to keep my skin moist. After he drew the bath, he asked if I wanted candles. It was still sunny out so I opted not to have them. He then kissed me and left the room for me to relax, alone.

I turned on my pregnancy affirmations and listened to those. I repeated many of the affirmations out loud, especially the ones that talked about you being normal, pregnancy being normal, and giving birth easily and comfortably. I also repeat out loud that this is a new birth and a new baby! I need to repeat that one the most because it helps me to have less fear about our upcoming day.

Following the affirmations, I turned on some relaxing music. As I sat in the warm bath, I looked at my large, still growing belly. I could feel you moving around inside me but as I lay my hands on my belly, I could feel your body parts. I could feel your legs, your butt, your back, your knees, and your feet…all at different times but I could feel them. I watched as you rolled and kicked around, making waves not only on my belly, but in the water we sat in together as well.

I listened to the music and just took deep breaths. I began to imagine what you would look like outside my womb. I sent you love and affection and began massaging your body. You usually move away when I touch you but this time, it was different. This time, it felt like we were actually bonding. I began to wonder if you would like massages outside the womb.

We continued to listen to the music together, all the while, I breathed deeply so you could have lots of oxygen and just massaged my belly and your body. I would sweep over my belly and stop on a body part and slowly massage down and out. I imagined you closing your eyes and soaking in the touch. It felt so good for me. I also imagined all the positive hormones surging through my blood and into you. You and I were completely connected. I didn’t want to stop, even as the bath water got cold. So, I warmed up the bath water and went for a few minutes longer.

As our bonding session came to a close, I began to feel sad. I was sad that soon, this experience will be over. Soon, I will not have you safe in my womb. My belly will become flabby instead of being hard and full of life. You will be on the outside which brings great joy but also brings a tremendous fear of all that you will be exposed to. You, in the safety of my womb will no longer exist.

I am getting more and more excited as each day passes. I am counting down each day and I know that soon, we will get to meet each other in person. Your brother is wrought with excitement and tells you every day that he can’t wait to meet you. He wants to hold you, he wants to hold you in church, he wants to carry you with him as he receives the sacrament of the Eucharist. He is excited to show you off, as if you are the most prized possession in this world. You are still inside me and yet have huge shoes to fill.

You are my son, a beloved son. We can’t wait to meet you!

 

To My Little One

I feel you move inside me all the time. You kick and roll and swipe and it is the most amazing feeling ever. Most days, I am in awe by your presence but some days, I fear you will be lost; as if you will dissipate into thin air. It’s like your soul will return to dust and you will be swept away into the Heavens leaving your lifeless body trapped inside me. I try to push those images out of my head and “think” you to move again so I know you are still there. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t.

You are now large enough for me to actually touch your body inside me. Sometimes you retract what ever limb it is that I am touching but most of the time, you touch me back. It brings such relief to feel you. Can you tell I am thinking about you today?

I often wonder what you will look like, how you will act, and if I will love you as much as I love your brother, Joey. I know that’s the wrong thing to say but I don’t know how a mother’s love can spread so evenly among her children. I know it happens, I just don’t know how. I love you tremendously and I haven’t even met you yet. I have so many wants and desires for you but I know you will be who you are and I am very excited to explore your personality.

We will meet soon, little one! Are you as anxious as I???

Why Must I Worry?

It must be because I am no longer working and have more time to chat on my forums but today, I ran across a post from a worried expectant mother and she now has me worried. Ugh! I seriously shouldn’t worry about this as there is nothing I can do. This goes back to an ultrasound I had around 19 weeks.

The perinatologist found a fluid pocket on my baby’s brain. She assured me it was normal and even went so-far-as to tell me that if it wasn’t there, they would be concerned. She didn’t label it as any “soft marker” or anything abnormal. I was referred to go back in 4 weeks because we were unable to see a bunch of the baby’s parts because of positioning. On that ultrasound, the fluid was still there (may have been slightly smaller) and again, the perinatologist (a different one AND his student doc) did not show any abnormal findings. His report stated baby was “normal.”

So, this girl posts today that her baby girl was diagnosed with a “choroid plexus cyst.” I wanted to look it up in hopes to find something positive in order to help her. While much of the information was positive, I noticed the pictures of this cyst look just like the fluid pocket in my baby’s brain. No one ever stated that the pocket was a choroid plexus cyst. So, naturally, I am worried, even though most of the information was positive. Well…positive in that if I was under 35, this would probably mean nothing.

But…there is no information out there that discusses this finding in a mother who is over 35. All the research states that “in the absence of other soft markers, a choroid plexus cyst alone does not signify a genetic abnormality.” Plus, much of the information is confusing. Some say the cyst means Trisomy 18, others say the cyst means Trisomy 21. Both of which are very different. What I know of Trisomy 18 is that most babies don’t survive in-utero and are stillborn or are miscarried. Survival at birth is rare and a baby with Trisomy 18 doesn’t live very long.

Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome) has a survival rate and while a diagnosis of Trisomy 21 could be worse, it’s not something anyone is prepared to hear or face. While my baby hasn’t been diagnosed as anything but “normal,” I am still worried. I didn’t do any of the genetic testing (all the numbers would be higher anyway since I am older) and I didn’t want an amniocentisis. I could still have some testing done but I only have about 7 weeks left so why worry for 7 weeks? Ugh!

I just need to leave this in God’s hands which is so hard for me sometimes. I did my best to reassure this mom that the likelihood that her baby is normal is very high but I can’t seem to reassure myself. Plus, why didn’t my perinatologist mention that this was a Choroid Plexus Cyst? Why did my doctor state this was normal when only 1% of baby’s have this cyst? Is my baby normal? Bottomline…pregnancy after miscarriage is full of worry. I don’t want to say that pregnancy after miscarriage sucks, but man…it’s hard not to say it when all you do is worry about every sign, symptom (even lack of symptom), scan, test, etc. 🙁

30 Weeks Pregnant!

I can’t believe I have made it to 30 weeks of pregnancy! I have been feeling better about the pregnancy although my largest fear is that my baby will still die. I know that because of my previous loss that this will always be a thought in the back of my mind. It certainly doesn’t consume my every thought, but the moment I don’t feel this baby moving, I begin to worry. I am so glad that I have a doppler and can listen to the baby’s heartbeat every time I feel this way.

One update is that I am going to be off work beginning next week! I can no longer fight with combative patients or run to emergencies. After nearly being kicked in the belly by a patient last Monday, I realize I have no choice. My belly sticks out too far and bending over a gurney with the side rails up is next to impossible. I still have quite the range of motion everywhere but it’s time. I ran to a fire alarm today and am hurting really bad.

I have been having some pelvic pain and have been seeing a chiropractor for the Webster Technique. At first, I felt no relief but the second adjustment brought me so much relief I was feeling really good. I felt so good, that I ran to a fire alarm today. Once I was done…the pain was tremendous! I can barely move and nearly fell out of my car on the way home getting gas because I couldn’t support myself. I am glad I am seeing the chiropractor again tomorrow and I hope she can make an adjustment so that I can at least walk without pain. I also hope I can get through the day tomorrow!!!

I am definitely loving this time of my pregnancy. Joey is very excited and loves to hold my belly. He talks to my belly, puts his head on my belly, tells me how big I am getting (in a positive way) and also waits to feel the baby kick him. He can’t wait until he gets kicked in the face through my belly. Sometimes he listens to the baby and swears he can hear the baby moving inside. It’s so wonderful.

I will have some pregnancy pictures soon and Joey will be a part of them. Other than his long hair, I believe the pictures will capture these precious moments we have each day. I am so excited for him to become a big brother!

I still can’t believe I am on this journey. Some days, it’s pure excitement. Other days, pure fear! I was told this was normal and I expected it but sometimes it still takes me by surprised that I am scared to be doing this, that I might lose the baby, and of course, that I am starting all over again.

I look forward to the next 8 weeks of bonding with my baby, focusing on my body, nourishing my body, preparing for the birth, learning to relax and most of all preparing my home for this new life which we can’t wait to welcome into this world!

We are blessed by God!

Pregnancy Viability

bellyWell, I have made it past the 24 week mark. I prayed and prayed to make it that far but does it really mean things are safer? I ask this question all the time. I am actually 27 weeks 3 days now. I feel my baby all day long which is great but I still have the fear that something bad will happen.

My feelings were validated the other night at prenatal yoga. One of my classmates has had a loss before and we were all talking about our fears for the week. The first was…it is finally becoming real. Weird huh? Considering we are both over 27 weeks. The belly is big, it’s getting harder to do things, lots of movement, etc. Anyhow, she also mentioned that in addition to it feeling real, she is also waiting for that ball to drop.

I know exactly how she feels. I too wonder if something bad will happen. It’s only natural to feel this way after a loss. I have had to stay away from many of my loss boards because of this. It’s easy to read stories about early losses but then there are the losses that are much later in the pregnancy and it just makes me worry that I will experience a late loss as well. A cord accident, uterine infection, premature labor. Ugh! The fear never seems to end.

While there is much fear, there is a growing excitement as well. This is so real. The baby’s room has a crib and dresser in it. It’s painted. We are decorating it which is so much fun. Joey is super excited, often grabbing my belly, rubbing it, talking to his sibling, and telling me that “it’s getting HUGE!” I also love that he says I don’t look fat. He is such a great kid!

I tell Jason daily that I can’t believe we are at this point and that I can’t believe we are doing this again. It is such a wonderful journey and I feel like I am taking better care of myself this pregnancy as well as soaking up every bit of it. I know that once I get to the last month or so, I will probably wish it were over but as of right now, each day is blessing. Each day my baby grows stronger, I grow stronger, and we both nourish each other. There is definitely a bond now. One that I thought was missing for months.

I love this baby and I can’t wait to meet him. 🙂

Pregnancy After Miscarriage Continued

Week 19

I hear it is absolutely normal for women who have had a loss before, not to really bond with the baby. I was told the response is a defense mechanism; one that is supposed to protect from the severe devastation and grief experience of another loss. I can understand that but does my mind really think that if I lost this baby, I wouldn’t experience grief again?

Each day is both a challenge and a blessing. I am excited and happy to have another day with this baby growing inside me yet it is challenging because I feel guilty that I am not bonded to this baby. It’s as if the baby isn’t really inside me; like the baby isn’t really there.

I have been feeling the tap, tap, tapping of this little one for over a month now so I know the baby is there but I feel so detached. I am excited and just want to meet this little one. If only that day would come faster. If only each day went faster so that it would be warm and I would be meeting my new baby.

We had an ultrasound last week. Not much was revealed. The baby was turned and basically sitting cross-legged with arms folded across the baby’s chest. With that, we couldn’t see the heart, spine, face, kidneys or parts of the arms that needed to be measured. What we COULD see, measured normally which was good but I felt no reassurance that my baby was okay.

The next day I nearly had a panic attack that something was drastically wrong with my baby. Was the baby stuck in the position? Was the baby choking on the placenta? After all, the placenta was in the baby’s face, smooshing the baby’s nose! Was the umbilical cord too short? Was the fluid in the brain normal? There were so many questions that I just didn’t have when I was with the doctor.

So, I emailed the doctor that performed the ultrasound and she provided the reassurance I needed but still, the back of my mind is driving me crazy! Will I ever feel safe in this pregnancy? Does this get any easier? Is this going to spread into the postpartum period? Will I always wonder?

I have no idea the answer and I work every day to put all this worry and anxiety into the Lord’s hands. It’s not like every second I am worrying, it’s more like I am not thinking about the baby. This is so different from Joey’s pregnancy. I didn’t ignore it, I was “IN” it. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

I go back to the doctor in four weeks to have the baby re-examined. Hopefully, we can see everything we need to in order for me to feel everything is normal and okay. Although I am reminded by my mother-in-law that my niece’s scans and tests were all normal yet she was still born with a genetic disorder. I pray I have the strength that my sister-in-law has in order to care for a child with a genetic disorder should my baby have one. Becky and Nick are very strong and I don’t know how they do it.

For now, I will continue to do my best to eat well for this baby, exercise for this baby (something I didn’t do with Joey’s pregnancy), pray for this baby, and work hard to love this baby from the outside in.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

I never thought I would be in this position. I am now over 16 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. Its exciting and scary to say the least. I think I have gotten through the hard part though. I also haven’t blogged since we made the announcement so I will back up for you a bit and talk about all that has happened.

The first trimester started out very easy. No bleeding and it was like I wasn’t even pregnant. Then 7 weeks hit and I began to experience extreme nausea. They kept saying that it was such a great sign. They said that meant my pregnancy was a healthy one. I never experienced this before. My son’s pregnancy was a piece of cake so this was completely new territory to me.

Within 2 weeks I could no longer take it. I wasn’t eating much, if anything at all and I was feeling so horrible. I hadn’t vomited but the pain in my stomach and nausea was getting to be unbearable. I messaged my doctor one night asking for some anit-nausea meds but by morning, I was too sick. I went to work but had to leave early. When I got home, I went straight to bed. It was Halloween and I felt horrible because this is one of Joey’s favorite holidays. I had hoped within a few hours I would wake up and feel better but instead I was worse.

I texted hubby in the middle of trick-or-treating with Joey and told him I needed to go to urgent care. On the way out the door, some neighbors saw we were leaving and offered to take Joey for the night. They were our angels. We had no idea how long we would be gone. At urgent care, I got some good meds for the nausea but there was pain in my stomach that would not go away. They gave me meds for that but no relief. I had a fever too so they sent us to the hospital.

Nothing changed at the hospital. More of the same meds and then they sent me home. At follow-up the next day, my OB sent me for an abdominal ultrasound which showed an issue with my gall bladder and liver. Ugh! I was put on a diet of plain bread, rice, pasta, chicken. That’s it. How boring and not good for a growing baby. Eating this way didn’t bring much relief. I still wasn’t hungry. After a week or so, I began to feel a bit better and the pain in my stomach was subsiding. I resumed eating what I felt like, when I felt like it. I was always nauseated, it didn’t matter what I ate.

By week 12 I was beginning to get nervous. We were to have Thanksgiving dinner and I really wanted to eat what my mom had cooked. I managed to eat tiny bits of each dish and didn’t feel sick. I also woke up to bright red blood in my underwear. I tried not to freak out as I had no bleeding or spotting at all throughout the pregnancy so far. I called the doc, but it was Thanksgiving and I was in another state. Rest, drink water, and keep an eye on it. Luckily, it subsided by the afternoon. I assumed it came from all the traveling.

By week 13, my nausea was almost completely gone and I began to feel hungry all the time. It was nice to finally be eating but then I would over eat and feel sick. I had to manage my tummy and realize that it was much smaller from the lack of food over the last 3 months.

It’s been 3 weeks and things are going much better. I have had a few bouts of spotting which we discovered was related to vaginal exams at my OB’s office. I advised them there would be no more exams until I was pushing the baby out!

I have seen my baby 5 times and the baby is growing perfectly. I bought a doppler so I could listen any time I wanted. It’s been a great reassurance. I was able to find the baby at around 12 weeks but it always took a while to find the heartbeat. Now it’s simple to find the baby. I go in for another ultrasound in a few weeks. This is the big one. We could find out the sex, but we don’t want to. I guess we shall see what happens.

We have had virtually no testing, no genetic testing, and no other scans to look at the baby other than measuring for growth. It’s a little nerve-wracking but I knew my tests would come back skewed because I am older and I didn’t want to be the woman stuck with a false positive freaking out the entire pregnancy. Been there, done that. No thank you! So, we are living on faith that everything is fine with the baby.

I feel the baby move every day now. It’s the neatest feeling. I remember it with Joey but not ever feeling it this early. I feel the little flutters and rolls. It’s also reassuring that everything is ok.

I have had no desire to blog or journal about this pregnancy which has me worried. I know it’s probably my bodies way of protecting itself from the pain of another loss. I am definitely not as attached to this baby as the last two but feeling the baby move helps tremendously. It’s like the baby is saying, “Hey, still here mom!” I love it. I am trying hard to talk to the baby as well. I want this baby, but I am still scared. I signed up for prenatal yoga so that will also help and I get regular massages that help me relax and focus on me. I am definitely providing more self-care with this pregnancy.

Well, that’s the update. As soon as we get our scans from the 18 week ultrasound, I’ll post the pictures. The only picture I have is of a tiny baby that looks like a peanut from my 12 week scan. The next scan will look really baby-like. I can say that baby has nice arms and legs and I saw brain in the 2 hemispheres during the last ultrasound. I pray every day for this pregnancy to continue.

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