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Category: Infertility (Page 2 of 2)

Big Fat Negative!

From http://joysofinfertility.com/2011/the-news.phpThose on the “TTC” Journey which means “Trying to Conceive” understand the Big Fat Negative or rather, BFN. Yes. That’s where we are at in our journey…AGAIN!

It doesn’t matter how you feel as you pee on the stick and anxiously await two lines. But when only one line appears…the control line, disappointment flows.

Expected = disappointment

Unexpected = shock + disappointment

Indifferent = disappointment

Ugh! Then the questions?

Why? Is it me? Is it my husband? Is it not our time? Is it not in our plan? Did I pray hard enough? Was it because I ran in the two week wait (2ww)? Should I try again? Will it work next time? Do I need to try different meds? Should I have exploratory surgery? Do we need to try herbs? Should we try insemination (IUI) again? Etc, etc, etc.

Doubt and pain fills your body. “It’s never going to work,” gets repeated in your head over and over again. Then, you have small wrays of hopefullness. “My period is coming and we can start over again. I’ll eat better, work out more, and focus on my body more. This time…it will happen!”

WHAT?!?!

So, you start the cycle all over again, desperate for those two lines to appear on the HCG stick after the two week wait. Yes. It’s not a pregnancy test, it’s an HCG stick. Pregnancy tests are too expensive so to save money, I get these internet sticks that come with no frills.

Either way, I am not even sure I want to attempt this again. My mind is full of other questions and concerns. I am getting too old. My eggs are getting bad. Jason’s sperm is getting older. Joey is getting older (what’s the benefit to a sibling at this point anyway). I don’t want to be 38 and having my second living child. Will I have a special needs child because I am so old? Ugh! The list goes on and on but then there is a whisper…it’s God but I don’t know what he is saying because I am either not hearing it, blocking it, or not understanding it and now I hit the crossroads of bargaining with God to give me some sign on which way to go.

The one constant is adoption but Jason won’t do it so the only other option is no child or continue with fertility treatments.

Oh, the nice fertility treatments. The one’s I said long ago had no side effects. Well, this last cycle…SIDE EFFECTS. None during the follicular phase (before ovulation) but once ovulation hits..BAAM!! Pain in the ovaries, pain in the uterus, fullness in the uterus, cramps in the uterus. Those last a few days, then BAAM!! Sore @ss breasts! Not just kind of sore, but REALLY sore.

Then there is the joint pain. The common side effect of inflammation from the fertility drugs. Then, the absolute WORST part…IRRITABILITY. Four – fourteen days of pure anger, craziness, and yelling at anything and everything and you don’t know why. You just do it, because that’s what your body does. You have NO control over it. It seeps through every fiber of your being. Your kid doesn’t understand, your husband has no clue and any other person you are around just thinks your being a b*tch!

So…are we going to try again? Maybe. Maybe until Christmas? Depends on how much I am willing to spend. It depends on alot. Good thing I have a phone conversation with my reproductive endocrinologist again. Laparoscopy is my next option due to the pain near my ovary. Hey…maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe I will get rid of something that’s been bothering me for years. I might not get a baby but maybe I will be pain free?

Oh well, we’ll see. Cycle Day 1 will begin soon.

Ovulation

Ovulation was successful. I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, I would really love to have another child but starting over feels so overwhelming. The lack of sleep, long nights, and finding a baby sitter to get away but I know that’s all relative and I have so much family here that can AND would help out.

Still are we really okay with this? What if the baby has some sort of problem? I am MUCH older now so the chances of having a baby with a genetic problem is higher.

I am overanalyzing. We don’t even know if we conceived. We will know for sure in two weeks. Oh how I hope my period doesn’t come…

Trying Again?

I ordered fertility meds again. Not sure what else to say about this fact but I DID order medications. This doesn’t mean I will take them, but they are there for me to use if I so choose. It’s not as simple as just taking them though. They have to be timed perfectly.

Everything with fertility medications needs to be timed perfectly. Last time I used these there was so much involved. Let me break it down for you so you can see what infertility is like.

No ovulation means no period or chance for pregnancy so you MUST start by inducing a period. How do you induce a period? Progesterone. Natural progesterone doesn’t work for me so I MUST start with synthetic. Take these for 10 days and wait.

I am too impatient, so I always cut them in half and take them for 5 days.

Progesterone for 5 days, wait…within 2-5 days, I will start a period.

Period starts….Check temperature every morning before waking.
Day 3 after full flow, begin fertility medication. Take this medication for 5 days.
Day 12, arrive at fertility clinic for ultrasound to determine egg size.
Day 14, arrive at fertility clinic for ultrasound to determine if eggs are 16-20mm.
Have sex
Day 16 (usually), take HCG shot in belly to force eggs to ovulate.
Have sex
Day 18 – OVULATION day! (hopefully) Have sex
Have sex
Wait 2 weeks and see if you are pregnant.
REPEAT!

Sounds VERY romantic doesn’t it.

There are many other signs that lead up to ovulation and I will spare you those details BUT, I can’t afford this type of a monitored cycle so I am not doing it this way.

What can I typically spend per monitored cycle?

Fertility Meds – $10
HCG shot – $100
Ultrasound – $250 x 2 = $500
Sex – Free!
Prayers – Free!
Pregnancy Test – Well, you don’t HAVE to take one but I always do. Good thing I got a bunch on ebay for $20.

So the typical cycle is $630/month. Not too shabby compared to IVF.

Unmedicated cycle?

Fertility Meds – $10
Sex – Free
Prayers – Free!

Who knows if my body will ovulate without the HCG shot. If it doesn’t, I will expect a hospital bill for a large cyst or two on my right ovary (which is the one that typically works). We’ll see.

I’ll know in a little over a month and a half if it worked on it’s own (Assuming I induce a period and try the meds).

I have used soy, acupuncture, chiropractic, mayan abdominal massage, herbs, chinese medicine, more herbs, massage, aromatherapy (oils), caster oil wraps, ALL the above together, ALL the above together WITH fertility meds. Ugh! How tiring and expensive!!

Ovulation on it’s own should result in a pregancy within 6 months. The average woman has a 20% chance of conception each cycle. Obviously, I am not average. I have to force ovulation and that doesn’t raise my chances one bit. I completed four cycles not too long ago. A little over $2500 spent and NO baby! That only meant I had an 80% chance of success. Does this mean if I try again one more time I should get pregnant? LOL!

If I choose to take the fertility meds, I’ll blog through the journey because I know many will be interested. So, for those who are following this journey… I am on day 62 of a cycle. 1st day of progesterone is today…

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Already July? A bit on infertility.

It’s July 1st!  We are over half way through the year. Where is the time going?

I didn’t blog last week. Work had me consumed. It is getting frustrating to be getting home so late and I continue to work on a way to be home for my son. He starts school in August and I look forward to being home when he gets off the bus. He loves it…still, and I know that won’t last much longer. He is growing up so fast.

Over the next two weeks, Joey will be in Oklahoma. He flew on the plane all by himself yesterday. I always worry, despite the fact that he has made this trip many times over the last few years, even at the young age of 5! He never ceases to amaze me. He can be such an adult sometimes.

I am still teetering on whether or not to have another baby. We tried for 5 months last year and part of this year with no results. I haven’t ovulated since I stopped the fertility medications. If I just ovulated, we could try whenever we wanted but I don’t, which is sad and hard to deal with especially when friends seem to get pregnant out of the blue.

Should we or shouldn’t we? Joey is almost 9. What’s the point?

Adoption? What age? Baby? Toddler? Someone close to Joey’s age?

I have been trying to listen hard to what God is calling me to do. I believe that if I was meant to have another child, He would bless me with ovulation. That hasn’t happened…but am I supposed to take medication to help with that? Is that what he is calling me to do?

Ugh! Why can’t it just be as easy as having sex?

What would Ruby want me to do? I cried during Mass last week. A little girl walked passed me and there was something about her that made me think about all the life experiences I would be missing out on by not having a daughter. The biggest? Her wedding day. Sounds so silly but I will not experience that kind of bonding.

Sure, Joey will get married but that’s not the same. I look forward to his wedding day. He talks about getting married and having lots of kids all the time and I can’t wait to live that life with him but I won’t have that with a daughter.

Is there anyone else out there in the same situation as me? Nearly 37, one child who is older, with infertility, preferably Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)? I would love to walk this journey with someone else in my situation.

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