Well, I did nothing today for my bereavement journey and I broke down and cried when putting Timmy down for the night. Hormones? Long day? Being tired because I got such little sleep last night? I don’t know but maybe it’s time to talk with my therapist again. At the very least, I would like to know if this is normal or not.
I don’t feel like this all day. Something about putting Timmy to bed is triggering my emotions. Tonight, I put him to bed in the regular way. I laid him down in his crib as he looked up at me. He smiled with his little gummy smile. He had been sleepy up until I laid him down and of course, his eyes popped open and he was ready for interaction.
I rubbed his belly and told him I loved him. Then I asked him if he wanted to watch his fish light and turned that on for him. Instead of him turning and looking at the light, he continued to look up at me. Earlier in the evening, while the family was sitting on the couch, I could feel him staring at me so when he didn’t take his eyes off in the crib, I became overwhelmed with emotion. Why had he been staring at me when we were sitting on the couch?
I know I overanalyze everything but seriously, why? I had been with him all day. We played, ate, and napped together today. He was in daddy’s arms so why didn’t he want to interact with daddy who he hadn’t seen all day? Was he trying to tell me something? Not sure what it would be other than, “I want you to play with me mommy.”
It didn’t matter at this point. I couldn’t look down at him in the crib. I briefly thought about walking away but I couldn’t. I started to cry and I had to pick him up. I picked him up and pulled him in tightly. I held him in my right shoulder and just kissed his head, his face, and his neck. I kept telling him I loved him as I bounced up and down and rocked side to side. Then I told him not to leave me. I told him to stay with me. I prayed to God to give me more time with him and to not take him just yet.
Okay, this is crazy! Writing this makes me feel even crazier. Has anyone out there who had a rainbow baby had these feelings? Have you had them 3 months after your rainbow baby was born? I really hope someone answers these questions for me.
I emailed my therapist tonight requesting an appointment. I know that if it’s normal, she will tell me and if it’s not normal, she will help me process all this. So, if you have had a rainbow baby and struggled with the fear of losing baby, please contact me.