I have been thinking about you so much lately. Right now, my belly would be ripe and we would be prepared for your arrival. Your due date is only a few days away. Joey was born a few weeks early and Timmy came on his due date so we would have either had you by now or you would be arriving any moment. It’s really hard to believe that you are gone and won’t be joining us this Christmas.
We were so excited to know you were created. God gave us your life and we are blessed for it. I carried you as long as I could, your whole intended life. You were our special creation and meant to be our last child but now that you were not meant to be born alive, we don’t know what to do. We seem a bit lost and go back and forth on whether or not we should have another child.
This is no different than the planning we went through with you and for Timmy for that matter. I know that if I were younger or my life had been different, we would have more children. In mass today, Father Ed talked about life and how we should be fruitful. I know that he wasn’t just referring to children but that is the most common definition of fruitful (be fruitful and multiply. – Genesis 1:28).
I sat between two families today who had small babies. They both had 1 year old boys and an older child. As I watched the two children within the families interact, I began to imagine you. The age difference between the children was about the different you and Timmy would have been. I would have two little ones. Two boys competing for my lap at church. I became sad.
Over the month, I had decided that another child really shouldn’t be in our future. We are approaching an age where it’s probably not fair to that child but when a mother walked down the aisle today with her newborn in her arms my heart just ached. Ached so deeply knowing that I won’t have that. I imagined holding you, carrying you in the Boba, nourishing you, sleepless nights, your crib in our room, and doing things more effectively than with Timmy.
Most of all, I would make sure we didn’t try cry-it-out with you and damage you like we did Timmy. I hurt over that and we only tried it a few times but those few times did the damage as well as keeping him in his own room when I know all he wanted was to be with us. There is so much guilt there.
But I can’t stop thinking about you and what we are missing here on earth. I know I will see you, we will see you, but it still hurts that you are not going to be here with us. We don’t get to kiss you, say hello, see your smile, or watch you grow. Instead, the last six months have been filled with “what-if’s” and “I would be’s” as we wait for your due date.
The due date that will come with nothing to show of it. The due date that seemed so far away yet is now upon us. The due date that needs to come so I can move forward; so I can know that it has come and gone and never will be again. I haven’t been stuck the last six months. I am sad every now and then but these last few days and the coming days, are filled with a deep sadness over your loss and all that we continue to lose because you died.
On Monday, December 7th, daddy and I will make the journey to your gravesite. We will release a balloon and say a prayer. We will probably leave a small toy for you but this won’t bring us what we prayed for. Visiting your grave will not bring you into our arms or make you feel my embrace. It will bring us a small feeling of peace, knowing you are with the Lord and will never experience pain, fear, or evil.
My little Augustus Jude, I love you. I love you so much and I miss you. I miss all you were going to become. I want to see you. Please come to me in my dreams. Please let me see you and know what you would have looked like. I can see Ruby but I can’t see you and I really want to .
You are my son. You are mine. ‘Till we meet…