I have been thinking about what to name this child. This child must have a name. I felt Ruby was a girl from the beginning. We wanted that confirmed through testing but Kaiser messed all that up and discarded Ruby’s body like trash. It is imperative this doesn’t happen again. I want to follow this…
Category: Emotions
Miscarriage Series – Day 5
Groggy, dizzy, and fatigued. That’s how I feel today. I thought I would feel better but I feel way worse. My heart rate is in the upper 30’s and 40’s. My blood pressure doesn’t register on the blood pressure monitor I have. That tells me it’s very low. I hope I don’t have to go…
Miscarriage Series – Birth Day
I have very mixed feelings today. On one hand, I am happy that the baby will be born today. I will be able to start moving forward. It feels like the last four days we have been in suspension, just waiting for this child to come. I do have second thoughts, wondering why this baby…
Miscarriage Series – Day 4
It’s Mother’s Day. I spent the night dreaming about my baby and how this baby will be born. I kept imagining this baby in a saline jar all chopped up into pieces surrounded by thick, bright red blood. I imagined taking this baby to the funeral home and feeling judged about the baby being in…
Miscarriage Series – Day 3
I wake very early on this Saturday morning. My husband is working today and his retreat from the bed wakes me. I feel I cannot sleep there without him. I toss and turn a few times to no avail. I see flashes of light coming through our bedroom windows followed by the sweet rumbling of…
Miscarriage Series – Day 2
I made breakfast, noting that I didn’t feel like continuing with my morning ritual of two glasses of water. Why would I drink two glasses straight away this morning? There is no one inside me who will benefit from this sustenance. I notice that my upper back hurts. “It’s probably my kidneys,” I think to…
Miscarriage Series – Day 1
My midwife turned to me and said, “I’m sorry Elizabeth, I no longer see a heartbeat.” We both knew what that meant. She was gentle and empathetic. It looked like this pained her too. That was comforting. I tried to comprehend what was taking place. There were no tears, not yet. Just questions and acceptance…
Miscarriage Series – Another Goodbye
As I lie on the couch, completely exhausted and numb from the days events, I feel stinging on the side of my face. The stinging runs down my face and onto my cheek. It hurts. It feels like my face is being burned deep into my skin. I reach across my face and wipe the tears…
What if doctors changed this in relation to miscarriage and stillbirth?
Many families who experience miscarriage or stillbirth want to have genetic testing done both on themselves and on the baby. They want to know “why” this horrible experience happened. When it comes to miscarriage, many women are told that they must endure three miscarriages before testing will be done. They are rarely given the option to pay for…
If I ever go looking…
I have been trying to convince myself all day that I didn’t want you. I talked to myself about all the reasons we shouldn’t have you. We’re too old. We’ll be REALLY old when you graduate from high school. We will need a bigger house. We are finally getting sleep. Timmy is almost two. We…